Older mothers/fathers would like a bit of advice please (hope correct forum)

[tobias123]

Hello there I am wanting a little advice really. I am in a new relationship that is very serious and will very soon be moving in and living together. My partner is 49 and myself 36. I have three children 16,14 and 7 and he has a son aged 8. His wife died when his son was 3 and has brought his son up on his own.

I am little unsure if I am bit or old or if 'we are bit old and are being selfish wanting a child together. e ave talked it through and both agree we can cope both mntally and finacially. I am litle unsure to what my eldest childen will think but think will come round afther a while.

The question is do you think we are okay to have a child at 37/50 or is it a litle too old. I am interested in opinions people have. Thanks in advance.

Well, you already know what being a parent is all about, so it sounds like you both have the distinct advantage of experience in child-raising. Furthermore you have added maturity that a little more life experience gives you.

Although I had my ds in my late 20s, my mother had me at 34 and my sister at 36 and she is one keen and active grandmother today.

I have friends whose fathers were older when they became parents (if that is more of a concern for you) and there are some advantages - again, experience being a big one and also the fact that time and money are often more available for the child. On the other hand at least 2 such friends have had to lose a parent in their 20's which was difficult (but could happen to anyone, it is just statistically more likely the older you get) but that was really only more sad because the fathers in question were such wonderful parents.

So, in short, I do not think that age should be such a big concern. Of course, with a mixed family and with older children, other concerns may need to be addressed, but if you really want and are committed to having a child, I think that these can be overcome with honesty, communication and understanding of all your children's concerns and opinions (even if they seem negative to you).

Sorry to be so long, but best of luck to you both, whatever you decide.

Well in the context of this forum you're not really that old!

In addition to family dynamics I think that it is wise to discuss and face up to the increased risks of some degree of infertility and a small but increased risk of genetic abmormality in a successful pg. Whilst I don't think that either of these risks should deter you, I think that it is very useful to have discussed the possibilities prior to conception. Re infertility, how far might you want to go? It is unlikely that you would receive much free treatment given that you both have children already, though some treatment (eg Clomid) is often included as part of the fully-funded investigations. You are more likely to be pushed for invasive assistance earlier due to age, and that brings money and emotional stresses.

Likewise with genetic abnormalities: as an older mother you are going to be offered more tests - would you want them or not? If you have them what are you likely to do with the information?

Now of course it is probable that you would face either scenario. But both can have big consequences on a new relationship and existing family commitments, so whilst neither should put you off the idea of a child together it is worth exploring whether you have similar attitudes and values in the event that either happened.

AAAgh should read "of course it is probable that you would not face either scenario"

I have just had my 2nd at 37 and Dh is 55, so no I don't think it's selfish. Ok, so the likelyhood of DH living until DS gets married and has granchildren is in question, but it's possible. Live for the day. You will be around for years I hope. Statistically until your children are adults at least.

Rather well said, UCM.

Was 36 with first DH 43, and will be trying again next year at 38, DH 45, My brother is 50 and has 4 year old no derfinitely not too old and yuou are not first time parents.

I had my 1st child at 37 & dh was 50, just like you! No, I really don't think you're too old. We had another child in 2003! Dh has 2 dds from a previous marriage who are now in their late 20s. They're like aunts as well as sisters. It's great!

YOu are not too old.

Four months ago I had dd3 - I was 38 will be 39 soon.

DH is 45.

What matters is what works for your family and how your dh and you feel about having a baby.

We've just had a little surprise in the form of the most gorgeous baby born this millenium (OK, maybe I'm a bit biased). DS is almost 10, DD nearly 8, but they've both loved having a baby brother, and it's been the happiest and most exciting time for us all. I'm 38 and DH is 44....I've had the same concerns as you, but ultimately we've decided that he's come into a loving, stable family with older siblings to keep us young in our outlook! More and more people are having babies later in life, and I think it's becoming less and less of an issue. Hey - look at Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt - no-one suggests they are too old

Go for it - and enjoy!

You are not old! Blimey, 36 is young these days. I had my children at 38 & 41, and dh was 44 & 47. He's 50 this year and dd is two. We look and act perfectly normally - and I'm by no means the oldest mother at the school gates.

Hello,

I don't think that's old at all. My husband and I are 42/54 and I'm expecting my first! Everyone's situation is different and life brings its opportunities in its own particular way. A friend of mine married a second time and has had one child at the age of 42 and is now expecting another. (She already has 4 children from her former marriage.)

Good luck!

when dd was born, i was 37, dh 48. he had a 14 yr old son, me none. Dss loves his little sister. If you think your current families wil cope, go for it!

I am 36 and so is Dh, we are having our first. Not very old these days and despite some people saying I would fing pg harder I have felt absolutely fantastic (well, the second trimester anyway, first trimester was a bit of a mission but I think that can be true at any time!)

Can't say what it will be like with a newborn yet but I look after 20 under-2's every day for my job and I seem to cope all right.

My dad was 43 when I was born and died last year when I was 35; although I'm obviously sad he won't know my kid(s) he was such a great dad that I'm just happy he had me at whatever age! Same for my mum, who is a very youthful 71.