OP I am so sorry to hear you are suffering.
What @IdaBWells said is really good. There is no right or wrong way to feel in response to your situation.
I will share my own experience, as I think that might be one way to help.
I had two abortions during an abusive relationship many years ago. I felt sure I needed to proceed with the terminations, as I knew that having children with this man would tie me to him forever, which honestly made me feel suicidal.
I'm older and wiser now, and can see that this person was actively trying to impregnate me as a control mechanism; he'd hide my birth control and generally control my movements, relationships etc.
I found the strength, with support of friends, to proceed with the terminations anyway. It was the right thing to do. I experienced awful emotional abuse from my partner because of it. Looking back, I probably could have technically raised kids on my own, but I just could NOT face it at the time. Initially I felt relieved, especially once I got out of the relationship. But then...
About 18 months later, I ended up with absolutely terrible PTSD from the whole experience. Ironically, I actually wound up with suicidal ideations as a result of the abortions. The guilt and loneliness in what I was feeling tore me apart. Worst couple of years of my life and it honestly nearly ended my life. I was very geographically and socially isolated during that period, which ramped up my anxieties and intrusive thoughts about the situation a million per cent. Just terrible.
For me - in desperation I went to a Rachel's Vineyard weekend retreat. It literally saved my life. It was incredible. It is run by Catholics but is totally non-judgemental; the focus is on helping you to forgive yourself. There was a trained psychotherapist there, so it all felt very legit.
The intensive individual and group therapy helped me to understand how the situation came about; how I needed to work on my self-esteem in order to never, ever end up in an abusive relationship again; and to help me understand that I was a good person in a shit situation, who made decisions that were right for me at the time.
I'll wager there were deeper problems in your relationship that led you to that decision. Some good counseling (through Rachel's Vineyard or other therapies) will help you identify these issues. This will help you understand why you made the choice you did, and to forgive yourself for it and move on.
I'm not religious at all, but their approach in addressing the deep spiritual issues the abortions brought up in me, was just what I needed. I actually ended up remaining friendly with one of the old Catholic lady volunteers who assisted me that weekend, holding my hand and letting me cry. I recall howling like an absolute banshee throughout that weekend.
The only other time I've heard myself make the noise was when my father died unexpected. I mention this, because even us agnostic/aetheist types may still require more spiritual approaches to complex issues like this - which cut across our sense of morality, sexuality, etc. I felt enormous grief and regret, even though rationally I felt I'd done the right thing. It's really deep stuff that is confusing to handle on our own.
I wish you all the best OP. Bear in mind, many, many women have made the same choices as you, for thousands of years. You're not alone. Get help, because you can definitely move past this. 