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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Abortion regret

40 replies

PMI96 · 28/07/2019 12:55

Hi,

I’ve not used this before but feel I have no one to talk to. I’ve recently had a medical abortion and I have never regretted anything more in my life. I made a last minute choice to terminate the pregnancy after going back and forth for weeks. My partner was also unsure, he was telling me it was probably best to try another time as we are not where we want to be in our lives right now, then he would change his mind to wanting to keep the baby, then go back and forth too.. I know what I’ve done has upset him... I just wish I listened to my heart instead of my head and other people’s opinions. I know that I might get judged for this post and that usually people have a sense of relief after an abortion but I’m heartbroken and feeling so empty. I want to get pregnant again. Would love to know if anyone else has been in this situation?

OP posts:
COVERUS · 30/07/2019 19:09

maybe its time to move and and find a partner who will understand you more?

june2007 · 30/07/2019 19:23

Your both dealing with loss and there may well be blame going on to. Perhaps just text and phone for a bit. Maywell be that damage is done.

COVERUS · 30/07/2019 20:00

did your partner call you to see how u doing ? and how long is this going on since he left you?

PMI96 · 31/07/2019 03:22

@COVERUS
Me and my partner met up today and talked things through. He’s opened up to me about how he feels and we both regret what’s happened. He apologised for not being there when I needed him, and said he just feels upset about it, which I totally understand as I do too. He was checking up on me making sure I was okay the days he wasn’t here, but now I’ve seen him it’s made me feel a little bit better as he wasn’t hostile towards me or anything, just emotional. Hopefully we can move forward and when we’re ready, try again.

OP posts:
COVERUS · 31/07/2019 03:34

thats sounds lovely..how about you buy some icecream and sit together to enjoy it with him?

COVERUS · 13/08/2019 21:24

checking up how u feel?

DerbyshireGirly · 14/08/2019 08:38

OP you have nothing to feel ashamed of, it can be a very hard thing to process but over time it will get easier and one day you'll just look back on it at something that had to happen. I've had to make this decision in the past and have no regrets now. Your time will come x

TYRW · 16/09/2020 19:39

Abortion Regret-
I had an abortion about 3 months ago and I’m I regret it too much. I feel I let others push me into it and I feel such a sense of loss and regret. I can’t sleep and don’t know what to do. Can anyone help?

itsabouttime8 · 16/09/2020 19:53

@TYRW Sorry you feel this way Flowers I’ve been there so I know the pain regret can cause.

We all make the best decision for us at the time but I do think sometimes fear, hormones and feeling pressured to make a decision ‘in time’ can cause us to rush into something we might later regret. The first few months after an abortion can be the hardest as hormones are still unsettled and everything is still very raw so give yourself time. Have you considered counselling?

FireflyGirl · 16/09/2020 19:53

@TYRW I'm sorry you are going through this.

This is an old thread, and you would probably be better starting your own. There is a section of MN called 'Pregnancy choices' and it may be that you will get more advice there - there will be people who have been through/are going through the same things as you.

Marie Stopes also offer a counselling service which you may find useful.

I hope you get the support you need Flowers

YANKEEMONK · 22/01/2021 20:44

Feeling ambiguous about being pregnant can be a normal response even for a baby that is very much wanted. There is a grieving process to all the real and perceived losses that may occur with life and relationships. Don't feel bad about having those thoughts. They are normal.Smile

eeek88 · 24/01/2021 23:58

You poor thing, this sounds very upsetting.

I had an abortion about 10 years ago when I was about 22, and not in any position to bring up a child. The father wanted to keep it but was supportive of my decision, in fairness to him. I felt a strong hormonal/physical urge to have the baby but in my head knew it was a bad idea. The clincher was that I couldn’t bear to admit who the father was... bad start to co-parenting when you’d rather die of shame than admit to shagging a certain person...

Hindsight tells me it was absolutely the right thing to do. He’d have been a terrible parent to my child, as he has been to his only other child. The relationship didn’t last thank god, nor should or could it have. I was too young and would have missed out on so many opportunities and adventures - not to mention my wonderful partner of 5 years who I am now expecting a child with.

But nevertheless I found the whole experience deeply traumatic at the time and had a strong urge to get pregnant again immediately afterwards. Strangely enough there was a stark turning point the week the baby would have been due when suddenly the hormones subsided and I finally felt at peace with my very sensible decision. Don’t make any hasty decisions, it will get better and I think you wouldn’t have made this decision if you hadn’t know deep down that it was the right one.

Also what kind of man buggers off leaving his partner to deal with a trauma like this alone?

Chookie89 · 25/01/2021 05:48

OP I am so sorry to hear you are suffering.

What @IdaBWells said is really good. There is no right or wrong way to feel in response to your situation.

I will share my own experience, as I think that might be one way to help.

I had two abortions during an abusive relationship many years ago. I felt sure I needed to proceed with the terminations, as I knew that having children with this man would tie me to him forever, which honestly made me feel suicidal.

I'm older and wiser now, and can see that this person was actively trying to impregnate me as a control mechanism; he'd hide my birth control and generally control my movements, relationships etc.

I found the strength, with support of friends, to proceed with the terminations anyway. It was the right thing to do. I experienced awful emotional abuse from my partner because of it. Looking back, I probably could have technically raised kids on my own, but I just could NOT face it at the time. Initially I felt relieved, especially once I got out of the relationship. But then...

About 18 months later, I ended up with absolutely terrible PTSD from the whole experience. Ironically, I actually wound up with suicidal ideations as a result of the abortions. The guilt and loneliness in what I was feeling tore me apart. Worst couple of years of my life and it honestly nearly ended my life. I was very geographically and socially isolated during that period, which ramped up my anxieties and intrusive thoughts about the situation a million per cent. Just terrible.

For me - in desperation I went to a Rachel's Vineyard weekend retreat. It literally saved my life. It was incredible. It is run by Catholics but is totally non-judgemental; the focus is on helping you to forgive yourself. There was a trained psychotherapist there, so it all felt very legit.

The intensive individual and group therapy helped me to understand how the situation came about; how I needed to work on my self-esteem in order to never, ever end up in an abusive relationship again; and to help me understand that I was a good person in a shit situation, who made decisions that were right for me at the time.

I'll wager there were deeper problems in your relationship that led you to that decision. Some good counseling (through Rachel's Vineyard or other therapies) will help you identify these issues. This will help you understand why you made the choice you did, and to forgive yourself for it and move on.

I'm not religious at all, but their approach in addressing the deep spiritual issues the abortions brought up in me, was just what I needed. I actually ended up remaining friendly with one of the old Catholic lady volunteers who assisted me that weekend, holding my hand and letting me cry. I recall howling like an absolute banshee throughout that weekend.

The only other time I've heard myself make the noise was when my father died unexpected. I mention this, because even us agnostic/aetheist types may still require more spiritual approaches to complex issues like this - which cut across our sense of morality, sexuality, etc. I felt enormous grief and regret, even though rationally I felt I'd done the right thing. It's really deep stuff that is confusing to handle on our own.

I wish you all the best OP. Bear in mind, many, many women have made the same choices as you, for thousands of years. You're not alone. Get help, because you can definitely move past this. Flowers

Jelly1987 · 19/03/2021 21:04

Hi I've never used this before but you're post means so much to me it's very similar to the situation I am in now. I found out I was pregnant myself and my partner didn't know what to do we didn't feel it was the right time for us but we kept changing our minds going back and fourth. Last week I had the medical abortion now I regret it so much I'm constantly crying and getting upset over everything. I really wish I hadn't donne it now. Xx

SWen9 · 23/10/2021 19:57

I recently had an abortion without telling my husband, I feel so angry about myself and I feel I need my baby...my husband stays far and I had a 9 month old baby I felt so overwhelmed and I regret my decision but I cant share about my regrets with him because I fear he will feel betrayed and not forgive me,I feel like the worst mother ever!help me

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