Complicated but could do with some advice...

[Baffy]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but really feeling like I need some support and advice at the moment and not sure where to turn...

3 years ago (almost to the day) we made the heartbreaking decision to have a termination at 23+ weeks due to a very serious brain abnormality that was detected on the 20 week scan. I still actually can't quite believe that it all happened - it's almost like I look back on that time and it wasn't me.

DH has been fantastic and one of the things that got me through at that time was looking at our fantastic children and looking towards our future with them.

Fast forward 6 months and we had a good long chat and decided that we wanted to try again. Even though I will always be sad about our baby boy and this would never take that away, I was so excited about the prospect of a child with DH. (Our dc are from previous relationships on both sides.) Tried for the best part of a year and nothing happened

Then life got a bit crazy! Redundancy threat at work, my youngest and my step-son were both poorly, and life was hectic. So we decided to stop trying 'for now' and just focus on work, life and the children.

Which brings me to now. We are now 3 years down the line and I have not long turned 41. Our youngest (who is my step son) is 9, and we are both working hard and have some potentially fantastic career opportunities coming up over the next couple of years. Plus I'm not getting any younger.

Logic is telling me that I need to now put this all behind me, accept that we won't ever have a baby between us, and focus on what we do have, making the most of life, and looking forward.

But my heart is telling me I still want to try one more time. In fact I keep actually bursting into tears when I think about it all.
(I wasn't even this bad at the time everything happened!)

Don't know what I'm looking for here really other than to get it all out. Maybe advice on where I may be able to get some support or counselling from someone who understands?

Or some advice on how to choose between head and heart?

Thanks if you got this far!

Grief counselling is for all kinds of loss. I found it a bit helpful for miscarriages and infertility. Sounds like a tough situation. I'm sorry you've had to go through this.

Thanks for the response. Have been a bit worried about generic counselling as I wasn't sure where to start but I'll google grief counselling and see what comes up

Thanks again for responding

Tommy’s has a support group for women who have been through similar. There may be women with experience of grief counselling following the tragic decision making. www.tommys.org/unknown/termination-medical-reasons-and-togetherforchange

Bless you for having to go through it, cannot imagine. Good luck with the future.

In case you’re soliciting opinion (feel free to ignore me!), I would go with baby now, career later. You can have a really charmed life the way things are now, but unless you commit to trying for a baby, you could always wonder what if....and that’s a burden once your fertile years are behind you.

I guess I never advocated in this way before because I was a career woman who thought I didn’t want kids. I met my DH and he had children, I decided that it is what I want...we have had a journey... I’m 25w and 37yo and I feel like it’s the ONLY decision that has ever mattered. Not everyone will agree. I’m ‘one of them’ sigh, roll eyes!! 😂

Ah thank you so much devilishlygood that's really good advice.

And yes, I am interested in people's opinions, it all helps. My close family and friends are great, but I can't help feeling like they don't really understand. Lots of "but look what a lovely life and family you've got... Why would you want to mess that up going back to the baby and toddler years?!"

It's really good to hear from people who have had similar struggles or made similar decisions. So thank you!

And congratulations on your pregnancy btw!

Unless they've been in the same boat, they can't understand though. Not really. Neither decision (to have or not have a baby) is wrong. It's just whether you want to or not. A large gap can be both easier and more difficult. No, you're not as young as you were before, but you're likely wiser and calmer than you were before. So there are pluses and minuses.

and remember, whichever decision you make, it is the right decision.

HypatiaCade thanks very much. Really refreshing to hear the positives about trying again rather than the constant negatives which seems to be the easier route for most people.

(I also think they worry for me and worry about the risks of something going wrong again. Which I do understand. But apparently I am at no more risk of a similar issue than any other 41 year old...)

Thanks again

Not sure if my story will help but maybe a little.

I have a prolactinoma which is a brain tumour of types and was told I was practically infertile without taking medication. I was single at the time so I threw myself into my career ( I'm now an operations manager) but in the back of my head there was this nagging ache for a baby which I eventually gave up on at as I was getting older.

Fast forward to last year , I met my now husband he has a 19 year old and I have an 18 year old. 1 month into our relationship we found out we were expecting our DD. The shock was consuming I was meant to be infertile. Everyone though we had lost our minds, why on earth would we go back to nappies when we had our careers and our children were adults.

But It's the best decision we ever made, it's not for everyone but was right for us. We believe she's our little miracle and we have been blessed with another on the way all without any fertility treatment that the doctors said I would need. Although I do think I'm mad having 1 so close together lol.

I guess my point is you have to do what is right for you, not other people whatever you choose is the right decision xx

Think of yourself 3 years down the line. Are you going to look back and desperately wish you’d tried for another with your partner?
You both have promotions in the pipeline. How much happier will those promotions make you all? More money? More hours? More time together? Less time together?
If I could wave a magic wand right now and offer you either more money or a baby, what would you chose?

Hi op I'm so very sorry to hear what happened to you and I can't offer any advice about that. But 3 years ago I was 41 and desperately would have loved to have another child . Circumstances were against me and it never happened but the feeling passed. Some ladies on here have often said that it's a natural biological response to feel this way as you come towards the end of your fertile years. May be that is true.
I know your reasons are different but it does pass. I look back now and think omg a toddler at 44 would kill me lol

Thank you all - so helpful hearing other stories and points of view. I really appreciate it.

csmw that's amazing! So glad it worked out and you have your miracle - I do think sometimes things are meant to be. It's made me feel that I think that's why I'd like to just give it one more try. Maybe another 6-12 months. And if it doesn't happen then it's not meant to be...
But I get the impression people think I'm mad for even considering it.

Ozziewozzie - the money is tempting because it can give us all a lovely life and nice holidays. But I am fine with how things are and I think I would choose a baby right now over everything.
Really good questions - thank you.

Dontforget - haha a toddler at 44 is definitely something to think about! I would have to try and enlist the help of the older dc I think!
It is good to know that the feeling does pass though. I would hate to look back in a few years time and feel resentful. Or forever wish we would have tried one more time.

Hi OP.

My heart breaks for you - I cannot imagine what you must have been going through at the time. Sending you a big virtual hug.

If I were in your situation, I would definitely look into some form of therapy/counselling first of all. I had CBT for a while for a multitude of things that were going off in my life, and you have no idea how much talking to a professional who is completely neutral helped me deal with what I was going through at the time. Maybe include your husband in that too as you may find it beneficial to discuss it openly with a professional... just a thought and therapy certainly isn't for everyone but it is something to consider.

However...

Have you spoken about this with your husband? what are his thoughts on trying for a baby again? with career opportunities on the horizon, is having a baby something you both want more than the promotion (assuming it is promotion)?

I would also be taking my age into consideration. At 41 there is a significant decline in the quality of a women's eggs, I'm not sure I would want to risk it BUT then again, I'm saying this as someone who has never been through what you have and that obviously changes people's thought process...

Also I would think about when the baby is a toddler... you will be 43/44.

I don't really know what to suggest - it is such a difficult situation because no one has the right answer really.. it is something that only you and your husband will decide.

I hope that you manage to come to a mutual decision and whichever you decide to do, you are both happy

Marty93 thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I shall look into CBT for sure.

I wasn't sure if counselling would help or not really but from the responses on here I think I should give it a try.

Yes, it is potential promotions for me and DH. We have talked a lot, and he thinks the risks of trying again at 41, combined with how busy our lives are in general, is quite worrying. His preference would be not to try, to go for the promotions, and to look forward.

But he also completely understands that I may feel differently and has said he'll 100% support me if I want to try.

I guess that just adds to the guilt though - it literally would be just for me if we went ahead and tried again...