Is my OH just shocked / anxious or is he going to resent me?

[nicannie]

Ladies, please give me some honest opinions here. Sorry if this is long, wanted to include all the details but keep it as short as possible.

I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant, we found out really early at only 3/4 weeks as I tested the day before my due period as I was feeling just awful and different, like I just knew something was going on. For the last two years, I have been on no birth control, this was due to severe mood swings and doctors thinking the pill wasn't good for my mental state as it made me paranoid and almost depressed. Anyways, fast forward, my period was non existent, they thought I might have PCOS and I was being tested across 6 months or so for ovulation. We were slightly panicked it would never happen for us to have children, it took his parents 10 years to conceive and this kept playing on our minds. OH is 31, I'm 24. I've always wanted to start thinking about kids around the 25 mark anyways. We are in a great situation, house, job, our own business, money etc etc.

When I got my BFP, we were both in shock, so we took a week to have a serious think about things and how things will change for us if we go ahead with this pregnancy. In the end, I knew I couldn't have an abortion, I don't think I'd be able to go through with it. After a week of chatting stuff through OH told me he didn't think it was our time, and that he thinks the best idea was termination. I was so hurt he has suggested this, but I kept quiet. The following day, I decided to tell him I didn't think I could have a termination and that even the thought of it was really hurtful, he then told me that he said it off the cuff and he doesn't actually agree with abortions and that if I wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy he was 'sure things would work out' but equally if I decided to terminate he would be by my side.

I'm worried that when this baby arrives he is going to struggle to have a connection, he can barely speak about it, not that I've tried to get him to speak about it, he's a man of few words anyway. I also worry that he will blame me, and say it was all my choice when in reality, he has actually told me that he doesn't agree with termination and even said 'it would make us or break us' having an abortion. But added, it might make or break us when baby arrives.

I know babies are life changing, we do have a really strong relationship with lots going for us. I just worry that when baby arrives, he resents me for this as it wasn't exactly planned. Am I being ridiculous? Regardless of what he does or feels, I have made my mind up and I'm going through with this pregnancy before anyone asks, that isn't in doubt. I'm just more worried about how he may feel about me and his DC at the end of it all.

If he doesn’t “think it was our time” then why didn’t he take more responsibility for contraception?

I think he has panicked. When I was off the pill for the first however long, we used other methods. When the doctors suggested I could go back on the pill, we seen how long it took my body to readjust and made the decision that due to the issues I was having, we would stay off contraceptive, knowing that if I were to fall pregnant then we would be appreciative and if I didn't we would continue to do the various tests the doctors were offering. Baring in mind by this point I've been off my contraceptive for 2 years and hadn't fallen pregnant, we genuinely thought that it wasn't going to happen for us. Hence the massive shock when it happened. Which I think may have made him say that.

Lots of people are shocked at first. Your DH is now saying he supports this pregnancy. Do you have any reason to doubt him?

A friend of mine seriously thought of abortion when she'd discovered she was pregnant with her first. She wanted DC with her long term DP who she loved. She was just to surprised it happened she reacted with shock. She decided to go ahead once she'd got over the shock and had no problems bonding.

An abstract idea of a baby is very very different to a real baby. What your DH said when he initially learnt about the pregnancy, and bonding with his actual real child are two very different things.

Unless you have other reasons to doubt him, please put those comments behind you and get on with enjoying planning for the future together.

Also, please ignore posted who want to come on here and have a go at you or him about contraception. Very tiresome and extremely unhelpful!

I don't know why they do it. Is it about feeling superior or something? I've never understood it.

He was just panicking (not unusual) and will be fine when the baby arrives.

Then he should of used a condom.

@wigglybluelines do shut up

WomanLikeMeLM

Err. No thanks. Hit a nerve, did I?

Please explain, what is the point of your post? He can't very well go back and put one on now, can he?

I dont understand if u were planning on having babies why he would want u to have a abortion now.
I think when u go for scans etc your husband will change his mind maybe he just needed time to get his head around it.

We agreed to try for a baby and, after 18 months of no contraception, started to doubt it would happen.

Then one month it just did. DP freaked out. He hardly spoke for 2 days - it was horrendous. MIL has since told me she's amazed I didn't leave him in the first couple of weeks after finding out. He was convinced it would ruin us, he wouldn't be able to cope etc etc. He's an only child with a small family so had no idea how to look after a baby.

Fast forward 11 months we have the most beautiful baby girl and he worships the ground she walks on.

He's just panicking OP. And good on you for knowing what you want!
Congratulations

Ahh I didn't want to cause any aggro here. I'm almost considering deleting this post to save any as it's not what I want.

@wigglybluelines - thank you for your response, I think that's what I needed to hear. As even I sat in the doctor at my first app crying saying I had considered abortion and so had he and now he is with me in not going ahead with it. She said this was ALL completely normal. I told her it came as a shock and even she as the doctor didn't mention contraceptive so I really won't be listening or responding to those sorts of comments as it's not really what we need. I have NO reasons not to trust him, he is a very loyal man, big on family and always been respectful to me and our relationship. I have no reason to doubt him. I just hate that I feel I can't yet be excited about our news so to speak.

Thanks to you as well @Rachelover40 - I think your right!

nicannie I think what worries my most about your OP is the obvious lack of communication between you and your OH.

My DH finds it very, very difficult to talk about anything involving feelings (and especially my feelings). For the first 5 or so years we were together we just didn't talk about anything deep and it wasn't a problem on the surface, I just went along with it. But once the cracks started to show (when I did need to talk to him about stuff involving feelings) it quickly started to go wrong. I realised how much I'd been suppressing my own feelings to keep the peace. And now I need him to be able to talk to me about more than surface things, that sometimes we do need to be able to talk about our relationship, or his relationship with the DC, it's apparent he actually can't do it. Our marriage is breaking down as a result.

I may be projecting massively. But before it becomes a problem, please do assert yourself if you need your OH to talk to you about things and find a way to communicate with each other if you can.

Can you tell him your worries?

Thanks so much @newmomof1 - your story sounds EXTREMELY similar to ours. So glad it wasn't just my OH who panicked when we first found out. He isn't panicking right now or acting strange, he just hasn't spoken or mentioned anything which I guess is fine, we have time I'm only 6 weeks! I think once we tell his mother, she will react the same way as yours if she knew his first panics! Glad I'm not alone. Thank you

No -one can predict how they or anyone else will feel or behave in the future. Let it go.

You want your baby. That is enough. The father with either go along with it or not. The same would be true if he’d demanded you have a child now, exhulted in the conception and celebrated the pregnancy. Men can walk away at any time, and some do. If that happens, it won’t be because you didn’t terminate. You could choose childlessness and still find, later, that you and he part.

Think about what is good for you, personally. For your health, for your happiness. Then do that. It isn’t selfish. It’s the way to make sense of life.

But as I say, I may be projecting massively. I don't want to worry you unduly!

Human beings are complicated creatures!

@wigglybluelines - I'm sorry that's what has happened and to hear it's breaking down. We went our first 3 years of relationship the same as you, no communication and it was hard to get anything from him. We had a bit of a wobble as a result 2 years ago, and we actually thought we might of broke up. Since then he has been a lot more open and honest about the way we feel, if there are issues we resolve them. But, it's just this one thing it has been difficult the last 2-3 weeks. I have spoken to him about how things will change when baby arrives, we have spoken about my work and maternity time etc, so I guess in a way he has spoken about it, just not in great length. Hopefully all in good time, he will..

@barryfromclareisfit totally understand what your saying. I spoke to my two best friends when this all first came about and they said the exact same as you did. If he decides to walk away after the baby is here, then that would be his choice. But equally, we could go a few years down the line without a child and he could still walk away. As you say, men do leave. Unfortunately people do split up, it's the way of life I guess

Honestly, I think your partner will be fine once baby arrives. My other half & I planned our first but he was petrified throughout my pregnancy that he wouldn’t bond or be a good dad, that he couldn’t imagine how he’d be with a child. I remember him having a major panic after finding out she was girl that he’d never feel comfortable wiping her clean on a nappy change!

Safe to say he is the most fantastic dad. Our daughter idolises him & he would do anything for her. He’s been as hands on as me with raising her & as such, she’s just as bonded to him as me. Sometimes I think even more so!

There’s no right time to have a baby.. perhaps a better time in some circumstances but never a right time. If it happens by accident but you both want to have the baby, it’ll work itself out one way or another

@Bol87 thanks so much for your positive vibes. We have a niece (5) and nephew (1) who my OH adores, he has been great in their upbringing. He also has a few friends who have young children and again, he is really good around kids. I guess I should stop worrying and just wait for him to get a bit more excited along with me, maybe when we tell the parents etc it will sink in more as well - as it almost doesn't feel real yet.

I think I agree with you in the fact it's never the right time (I think that's how you worded it, either way, I agree lol)