I think need some reassurance.
I am at 24 weeks, and feel no connection to the baby.
I am closer to 40 than not, so I was pretty surprised to find out that I was pregnant. We were not actively trying, it was more of a mix up than anything, but we had planned to start thinking about children next year. Our relationship is completely stable and we want this child.
Initially I was very happy, and felt very connected. Because of my age I was worried about a miscarriage and spent a lot of time talking to ‘it’ telling ‘it’ to hang on in there. But then we went to the doctor at about 10 weeks to confirm the pregnancy. She was very blunt about the risks because of my age, not just for miscarriage but also for chromosonal abnormalities. She also pretty much told me off for having got pregnant at all because my last couple of smear tests had shown abnormal cells. According to her, I should have had a colposcopy before thinking of becoming pregnant because of the risk of developing cancer. She shipped me straight off to the hospital for a biopsy, and told us that we would need to have an abortion if it was cancer.
I’m not happy with her bedside manner, or that we had never discussed a colposcopy, or that she never said anything about the abnormal cells and getting pregnant. But luckily, the biopsy was clear, and the baby seems to be completely fine. I am having regular checks with a doctor I am happy with to keep an eye on the abnormal cells, and we have both made it to 24 weeks. But all this together meant I spent a lot of time crying in the shower and now I have no connection to the baby at all.
In my head I accepted that we might have to get an abortion, or that I would just miscarry. Telling people I was pregnant was a nightmare: they were all thrilled, and all I could think about was having to face them again when I lost it. I think I completely accepted that I would lose the pregnancy and I actively dismantled the positive feelings that I had had, and have been actively trying not to get attached to the baby.
I told myself that once we got to 12 weeks, because that is when the risk of miscarriage starts to lessen, it’d be better, and I would start to feel more connected again. And it didn’t happen. So, I thought, OK, at 24 weeks, when the baby is actually viable and could survive if anything went wrong, then I can start to imagine it really happening and hopefully start feeling something again.
And it hasn’t happened. I am happy to say that my anxiety and worry have significantly reduced in the past few weeks. I am not constantly terrified of something going wrong anymore, but I still don’t feel anything positive about the pregnancy and the baby. I can remember how happy I was before we went to the doctor, but I don’t feel it at all.
Is this going to get better?
Now that I am worrying less about losing the pregnancy, I am worrying that this lack of connection to the baby means I am priming myself for post-natal depression.