Bereavement during pregnancy

[sambelina1985]

Has anyone suffered a loss during pregnancy? I am 12 weeks pregnant and I lost my mum unexpectedly last week. I am an only child and this is my first baby so my mum was super excited at becoming a Nanna for the first time. A grandchild is all my mum ever wanted since I was 22! I am now 33. I cant seem to get over the fact that the person who should be with me at my side right now through pregnancy and when then the baby is born wont be there for me or meet her grandchild. I am also no longer excited about the pregnancy and feel numb inside about the baby which is making me feel guilty and worrying my partner. I just dont know what to do or how to cope with the loss of my mum.

@sambelina1985 I'm so so sorry for the loss of your Mum. I suffered three "smaller" losses right before/at the beginning of my pregnancy and I was just overwhelmed by grief. My beloved dog was killed in a horrific accident, right in front of me, a recent boss died of cancer, and my previous summer's intern killed herself.

I think those deaths and morning sickness that never went away contributed to my antenatal depression. I ended up seeking help and spending my pregnant seeing a psychologist once a week. It helped no end.

I'm sorry not to have a more positive answer for you. I wouldn't wish the collision of grief and pregnancy hormones on my worst enemy.

Oh Im really sorry to hear that.

Please dont feel guilty for feeling a particular way, ever. Feelings arent rational and they cant be controlled. You might be feeling numb right now but that could well change.

I think that because of the timing you should try to proactively deal with this. Can you get some counselling? Read some books? Something which is really working for me atm is listening to Griefcast which is comedians talking about their own experiences of grief. I find it tremendously helpful and strangely uplifting.

Do you have anyone who can step into the secondary support role?

Above all please dont feel the need to feel a certain way, do what works for you. There is no right way to grieve.

And dont make any big decisions in the next year. Grief can really bugger up your rational thinking.

@allfurcoatnoknickers
Thanks for your reply and what a terrible time you went through as well. I hope things are better now? My partner wants me to see a councillor, however I find it hard admitting I need help and opening up to a stranger face to face but if I continue how I am I know it's going to get worse.

@sambelina1985 Thank you. Things are better now - my baby is 5 weeks old, and I got signed off by the psychologist yesterday. Fortunately no sign of PND.

Please seriously consider seeing a councilor. I was mortified and guilty that my pregnancy didn't somehow "cancel out" my grief and felt awful that I wasn't happy. She really helped me sort out my feelings and helped me realize that I didn't need to feel guilty for being so sad. It took me weeks to properly open up, but once I did, it was so helpful.

My mum lost her dad when she was pregnant with me. I know it broke her, but she also very much felt like she wanted to embrace becoming a mum because she needed a family around, even if she was the mum herself.

People deal with their grief differently as I'm sure you know. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Do tell your midwife as well as you may need a little extra support.

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

My mum died before I had dc but we lost my fil when 6 months pg with dc1. It hit dh hard, as he knew how much his dad would have enjoyed being grandad.

Slightly different but we found out that dc1 was on the way, and also found out that DH was terminally ill in a very short space of time. He passed away when they were months old.

I lost my grandmother when I was 15 weeks pregnant. She and I were very close - she delivered me as a baby (she was a midwife). I had only just told her I was expecting when she was diagnosed with a brain tumour and had a massive stroke. We stayed with her in hospital until the end which was very traumatic for all of us.

I tried to brush it all under the carpet and didn’t take any time off work or take the time to grieve, which (along with other things) led to my midwife referring me to my GP to discuss treatment. In the end I didn’t go for counselling etc but it’s worth chatting with your doctor to see what they can offer. Some GP surgeries have grief counsellors which can be really helpful. I think it’s worth taking time for yourself, being really kind to yourself and not making yourself go back to things quicker than you need.

@sambelina1985 I lost my grandmother and aunty whilst I was pregnant. I was about 10 weeks when grandmother passed away and about 7 months when aunty passed away.

Allow yourself to go through your grieving process. Don't be harsh on yourself and feel like you have to put a brave face on because you're pregnant. Let yourself heal x

How awful for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You say it was only a week ago, it's still so raw. I haven't experienced the loss of my mum yet, and an much older than you, but my dad died when I was 22, before I had my boys, who are now grown up. I am still sad that he never met them.
It's normal and fine for you to feel what you're feeling. Be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry, sambelina. How very sad for you. Your loss will take you a while to process but when you have your baby, your focus will change.

It didn't happen to me but I know someone whose father died while she was pregnant. She knew he'd been taken ill but didn't expect him to die. I remember her telling me how she was doing something in her front garden and saw her mother and sister walking towards her house, she knew something was amiss but when they got to the front gate and saw their faces, she realised what had happened. She was absolutely devastated. However having her child did help.

I don't think anything we can say will alleviate your grief at the moment. I hope you have a supportive partner.

for you and I hope all goes well with your baby.

Thank you everyone for your kind messages and helpful advice. I really appreciate the time you have all taken to reply x

My sister killed herself when I was 27 weeks pregnant. I can’t imagine how tough it must be to lose your mum whilst pregnant. Definitely tell your midwife and just lean on any support you have around you.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

So sorry to hear about your lovely mum, please do tell your midwife and gp.
There is support out there, please do ask if you need it.
It also goes without saying that your DP should have a gentle word with his parents about dealing with everything as sensitively as possible.
One of my grandmothers died when one of mine was very young, not the same I know, but it really comforts me that a little bit of their dna is in all my children xx

I concur re the midwife and the GP.
There is nothing wrong with your reaction.
But it’s also a very vulnerable time for you and you need support for yourself

Can I ask if your dad is still around and are you supporting him too?

Feel free to pm me op. I lost my mum two weeks before my baby arrived, and am also an only child and was very close to her. It was utterly horrendous and I can remember thinking (and saying) that I just couldn't possibly give birth without my mum on this earth. But once things start you're not really thinking about anything else. And honestly, it was actually really helpful to have the baby to focus on for the first year. A baby is all encompassing so you don't get much time to grieve... perhaps you could get a course of counselling in before baby arrives?