I’m pregnant and I’m not really coping

[Allbetternow29]

Hello, I’m 14 weeks pregnant (this is my first pregnancy). I’m 29 and am finding the emotional side of pregnancy really difficult to cope with. I was raped 15 years ago and it absolutely wrecked my life and since then I have had 3 major breakdowns and have had bouts of severe depression. I have spent my late teens and twenties being looked after and I really haven’t had much life experience (I work part time but have struggled to do anything else). I got married last year and my husband is so lovely and I can really talk to him about anything, but I want him to be my husband and not my therapist (if that makes sense) so whilst I tell him how I’m feeling I don’t go into too much detail. I feel really ill prepared to be a parent, I know this is selfish but I still really want a life of my own. I have not been on holiday since I was 16 and I’ve had no hobbies or interests since my teens. I’ve spent so much of my life being so deeply disturbed and unhappy that I don’t know if I will be able to raise a child healthily. I have quite extreme nightmares and still have intense crying episodes where I will cry for at least 3 hours constantly and I don’t know how a baby can possibly fit into this. To be honest I’m not really sure why I’m posting this, I think I just need to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening x

Sorry to read this, you've had such a hard time. Its really brave of you to open up about how youre feeling.
It sounds like you might benefit from some professional support. Have you had counselling before and if so how did you find it? It might be worth speaking to your midwife about how youre feeling, she can put you in touch with local support options.
In the meantime, you speak in your post about wanting to find hobbies etc, have you thought about what you'd like to try? Maybe there could be something you could enjoy alongside your pregnancy and motherhood.
Thinking of you

I don’t know if this is a helpful thing to say or not, but when my dd hit 3 yrs old and started her 30 free hours at nursery, i really began to feel like i was getting “me” back (time, hobbies, ability to travel more than half an hour away) so even if it IS as bad as you fear, that bit is not forever and knowing that might make it more bearable?

That said, you sound like you’re coping well with a horrific thing in your past and the very fact that you’re wondering about the impact of your past on your baby’s future means you are more self-aware and likely to do it well than most. I echo pp that a therapist would be a great idea if finances will stretch - we are social creatures and having an outlet to talk about these feelings can only help, both before and after birth.

Did you want to be pregnant?

Hi, it’s very brave of you to reach out. There maybe a specialist perinatal mental health team that is attached to the hospital you are booked into. If this is not suitable for your circumstances there may also be a local CAMHS team that consider maternal mental health/emotional needs as criteria for accessing support. There may also be adult counselling that you can access via your GP. This is all via the NHS. As you are pregnant you should be a priority for this kind of support. I would take the next brave step and speak to your midwife or GP about accessing support. Take care and hope everything works out for you

@QueenofPain it was quite a shock and wasn’t planned at all. My husband is so happy. He keeps talking about how special this is and all the things we will do when the baby arrives. Now that I am pregnant I do want this baby but I just don’t know how I’ll cope. I still cry about what happened everyday.

@Ridethewaves I’m having EDMR therapy and also group therapy at the moment (I’ve been in therapy for almost 10 years now). My gp feels it’s important to try and carry these on through my pregnancy and after the baby is born. It isn’t helping dramatically at the moment but I do get that my hormones will be all over the place at the moment. I would like to get a hobby but am not even sure where I would start in looking for one. This sounds really sad but there’s not really much I enjoy doing. I can’t concentrate on things for long periods without getting upset.

💐

@RubaiyatOfAnyone No that definitely is a helpful thing to say, thank you! I am going to go back to work as soon as possible after I have the baby I think. I don't think it will be good for me to just be with the baby on my own for long periods.