i feel like im going mad

[mad4girls]

im 21 wks pregnanat with number 3 planned with my partner of 3 yrs i have 2 dd's from previous relationships of 7 and 5.

im not sure if im going mad or my partner is bveing a twat but all we seem to do lately is argue, argue because hes at work argue because hes at a friends, argue about money and whos paying what, its beggining to feel like hell on earth living here, im obsessed with thinking hes having an affair because he never wants to spend anytime with me or the kids(not that he did alot before) but now he seems to make up any old excuse for not doing something with us thats been planned for ago, a good example is today we rowed about a trip we have booked to skegness next sunday which hes saying he now has to work, after half an hour of arguing hes now saying fine he will come then if he has to. sp why say he couldnt come in the first place if itwas that easy to rearrange it.

since we found out were having a boy last thursday hes been acting like a prat (he really wanted a girl as hehas 2 sons) doesnt seem remotely interested in talking about anything baby related and we got into an arguments about names the other day as he says i will choose what i want anyway, he hasnt bought anything except the pram at about 14wks, but since has shown no interest in buying things lokking at things, i know that is a bit of a girly thing but if i could just ask his opion on which chair/moses basket he liked, i wouldnt feel like i have to do it all on my own

maybe im just rambling and i have been so overly emotional this pregnancy(unlike my others) but i really feel like i need someone to talk to and he just doesnt want to know, and i know hes like the typical male chauvanist doesnt talk about his feelings etc but i feel like im on my own and i just dont want to feel like this anymore, i try to tell him this and he just thinks im crazy and want to know where he is and what hes doing all the time

i dont know if im coming or going but have spent all of last night and all of today in pieces crying my eyes out or arguing with him over the phone as hes at work AGAIN!

is there something wrong with me or is it in my head or is he being our of order, i really dont want to face being a single mum of 3 kids with 3 diffreernt dads as well as the house is his and i have no where to go, please someone just talk to me or slap some sense into me what ever it takes, i just feel so low and lonely and i dont wnat to feel like this, as this pregnanacy was such good news.

Awwww poor you. Being pg can be an emotional time for both of you. No advice to offer really, but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

hugs

lol that was meant to read "[hugs]"

Mad4, I'm so sorry to hear he hasn't come round to the idea of a boy yet. Silly sod! Listen, I don't mean to sound silly but have you actually tried telling him all of this? I just think it can at times be simpler to get into arguements about things without actually trying to just talk about it. And I speak from experience, cos my dp and I are notorious for it. Anyway, if possible could you find a quiet time and just say to him that you aren't moaning/nagging, etc, and that you would like to ask him some stuff and that you would really appreciate it if he could stop and think about his answers before he gives them (as it is often all too easy to respond with what you want to be true/think the other person wants to hear rather than what you really think/feel)
And plese remember that you are pg and are BOUND to feel overly sensitive about things. In all fairness, he should realise this too and should be giving you a little more TLC, but maybe you can get to that stage if you can talk through this gender stuff and your feelings that he is distancing himself....
Good luck!

thanx ladies
have calmed down a bit now but havent been able to shake this horrible low feeling for a few weeks now and my anxiety levelsare ging through the rough feel like expldoing about nothing.

anyway will try to talk to dp tonght and the kids are going for a day out on thrusday, so he said we can have an adult day out and go for lunch and shopping in nottingham, which is normally a bit of a treat, so thats something to look forward to

will update more just have a horrible feeling that all we will do is row some more but i have to try, i cant just give up

thanx again ladies

mad4, you say u will go into nottingham, where do u live? I am near there, if u need someone to talk to in RL?

Yes your hormones are all over the place but he also needs to be more supportive.....have a chat on your adult day, get some stuff aired.....

mad4 - just a thought here as I had a fiend in a similar situation a few years back. Turned out her DP was actually worrying himself sick as his first marriage failed not long after they had had their first baby. seems it brought it all back to him and he was worried about their relationship failing, as well as other the other normal stuff blokes worry about - money, sex life, jealousy etc etc. Could be your DP is going through something similar ... think you need some couple time and some straight talking
Good luck, and remember whatever happens you've created something wonderful together - a whole new little person

ooer friend not fiend!!

thanx ladies
im in derby so not far from notts, and i understand what you say pheebe and knowing his loack of wnating to open up it no doubt has something to do with it, knowing him it will be more complicated than that, but thanx i know im not really looking at it from his point of view i just have a bit of a one track mind at the moment, hopefully hewill undertsnad that

thanx just having someone to chat to about it really helps thanx

Oh mad4, u poor thing! I kind of know what you're going through even though every situation is different... I've never discussed this on here but it seems appropriate now. A couple of weeks (literally) after we found out about this pg, I found out my DH had been in contact with an old girlfriend!!! It's a long story but I went into complete anxiety mode and things were really awful for some time! I've got 2 DC's from a previous marriage too and this is his first child ever (he was told he would never be able to have kids) and we had 2 m/c's before. This pg was a complete surprise and to be honest, I think he had a bit of a breakdown. He suffers from depression/anxiety and has agoraphobic tendencies too... He didn't want to talk about the baby AT ALL for ages and I felt so lonely - thank goodness for mumsnet!!!

We managed to find time to sit down and talk about everything and get it all out and it turned out he was literally shitting himself about it all. Usually, I'm the strong positive one but I needed him to be strong for me but he just couldn't do it. I spent days and days just crying and we rowed quite a bit too.

The good thing is that as time has passed and I've got bigger, he has allowed himself to get excited about it. Also, he has started working and a few of his male friends have got kids and I think they have had a good influence on him too. He still doesn't want to be at the birth which breaks my heart but he has changed considerably since the beginning...

The only thing that seems to interest him is buying gadget type stuff for the baby and he still doesn't rub my tummy like I'd love him to but he has assured me he will be totally different when lo arrives.

I agree with previous posters that if you can get some time to sit and talk with him, I'm sure it will help loads. Let us know how you get on?

((((((mad4girls))))))

PLP (32wks) xxx

Awh mad4girls. I'm sure you've saw me post loads in the dec thread about how my dp is always out too and it is hard because you need a lot of support now not just when the baby's born.

You definately need some couple time. Last wkend dp and I had a huge barney because he had been out all weekend and spent all Sunday sleeping off the mother of hangovers. After the tantrums and tears from me we got talking and I explained to him that he was a father now not just when the baby's born and I was beginning to feel the twon of us drifting apart. I'm not restricting of his social life in the way I can see some of his friends' girlfriends are but said that one night of the weekend I needed him to be there for me as it's gone from us spending a lot of time together socailising to him out all the time and leaving me. He actually apologised and has been lovely ever since. He's away out tonight but I don't mind because he took me out to dinner last night and we had a real laugh. It was so nice just being the two of us.

You need to talk to your dp and if he won't listen or or you think you might say the wrong thing can you write him a letter. I know it sounds a bit naff but I always find you can explain things better when you put it down on paper (and you don't end up in a row before you get a chance to say your piece). I'm sure he'll come round about having a boy - maybe he just needs a little time.

Have a lovely day on Thursday and hopefully your dp will come to his senses x

Hi mad4girls - you poor thing - no, you are not going mad - your dp is not being fair to you. This is a very emotional time and you both need to be there for each other.

A big heart-to-heart might help things. Try to stay calm and tell him quietly how you feel without making accusations (even if you feel you are quite justified in making them!). I know this is very difficult to do but if you can, he will probably feel more willing to be open and honest about how he feels.

If he does feel really disappointed that you are having a boy, then this is valid and talking about it might help him. I know it's a cliche but I suppose it's all about compromise - if yoh can lower your expectations a bit (he will probably never be as excited as you about buying baby stuff for example) but also make clear that some things are non-negotiable (e.g. helping out with the baby when he arrives), hopefully he will be more willing to compromise himself.

best of luck to you, I'm sure it is nothing that a long frank conversation can't sort out xx

well not so sure everything will be alright

after making upa nd ahving a great day yesterday and today where he bought lots of lovely things for baby hes now buggered off to his uncles and is now drinking what fun now im in tears as he thinks he can just treat me like shit and i will put up with it hes very mistaken

sorry just upset

hi mad4girls.
sorry you are goin through a bad time i know where you are comin from my partner was like this too everytime i thought we were gettin somewhere he buggered off again im not gonna go into details as dont wanna upset ya but in the end i found out why and it all made sense

i hope things work out for ya take care hunni