I'm a miscarrying bridesmaid

[WingingItOverHere]

Hi all,

Sadly I miscarried yesterday. It's still very much going on (heavy bleeding and terrible cramps, feeling very tired) but there was a moment yesterday morning when I definitely passed the baby.

I'm up and down, able to function and put on a smiley face for our toddler, but then these waves of sadness run through me and suddenly I'm sobbing. I know all of this is normal, but complicating matters is that it's my best friend's wedding this weekend and I'm her maid of honour. She knows it's going on and she's been amazing, she's told me to do what I need to do and it's ok if I miss the whole weekend or just come for some or whatever. It's two nights away (without our toddler) starting from tonight, with a dinner. The question is whether I go. Sometimes the cramps are so bad I think there's no way I should go, but then I also wonder whether being with my very good friends will be good for my morale (we live in different countries so I also don't get to see them very often). What would you do? I'm also terrified I'll bleed right through my dress when walking down the aisle or something.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My advice would be to maybe skip the dinner tonight and just go to the ceremony tomorrow (if you feel up to it). Great to hear that your friend is being so understanding and supportive. I'm sure you'd hate to miss the wedding and it may be a lovely distraction for you but perhaps 2 nights away from your little one just now isn't what you want? Ultimately, go with how you feel now and think of how you'll feel next week if you don't go. Either way, do what's best for you x

Practicalities: if you’re worried about bleeding not only use your usual protection but invest in a pair of period pants. That will give you some surety.

As to wether to go: it depends on you really. I would go because it would hurt less than being alone and thinking about it but it’s very much a personal thing.

I am sorry for your loss. 💐

Been there with the miscarriage.
Personally if it was me I’d go because it would have helped me feel better.
But you need to think carefully about the ceremony. I’d try the suggestion of period pants plus a pad of some sort.
And I’d ask to be placed on the end of the isle so you could get up and discretely leave if you felt you needed too.
Sorry you are going through this it isn’t nice at all.

I think forget about the dinner, and just take it super easy today.

Perhaps tomorrow you can just be “chief guest” and not walk down the aisle. But sit up front.

How would you feel though if people started to ask you why? So maybe think about what you want to say to people.

If it were me, I would skip the dinner, then if the bleeding had calmed down I would still be bridesmaid. Enjoy the day and slip away when I felt tired.

I would tell people I was getting over a sick bug and that’s why I wasn’t running on full cylinders.

Sorry for your loss,

Do you think you could manage being away from your DC?

If so I would go and take it one step at a time, knowing you can go back to your room at any point. Being with people who love you could be really good for you and a momentary distraction from the pain (physical and emotional).

look after yourself love

Sorry for your loss Honestly I wouldn't go. I've had 2 miscarriages one at 6 weeks which wasn't to bad and I could continue sort of normally and one at 10 weeks last week which was days of cramping and passing very large clots after I passed the baby.
Its up to you but doing to much can make your symptoms worse and bleeding heavier.
If you do go take lots of pads, clean under ware, pain killers and wear something that can hide blood stains

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, @WingingItOverHere - it's awful. This is a time in your life where you should absolutely put yourself first and do whatever you want to do. If you'd be going only because you feel you should, then don't go. But if you'd be going because you really need to take your mind off it and you want to try to enjoy yourself, then go. If you do go but then realise you don't want to be there, then leave. It's entirely up to you and you have your friend's full support in whatever you decide 💐

If it were me I would do one of two things

1. Not go at all

1. Go and be bridesmaid as normal. Pretend everything is ok. Use whatever protection and medication I’d need to get through the day. Skip out as early as possible without anyone noticing .

What I would NOT do is go and be unwell, or sit at the side and have to explain to 100 people , one after the other, why I’m not bridesmaid and no we have not fallen out it’s because I’m miscarrying.

Because that would require a lot of emotional strength which I wouldn’t have. Dealing with a hundred people telling you how sorry they are / all about their own miscarriage / that it’s no big deal because you are early or you can try again or you are young etc etc would be too much.

And also because it would be attention seeking and take the focus away from the bridal couple. Even though I would not mean to do this of course.

Given that it’s a two day event I would probably do the first. If it was a local wedding and I could come home I’d do 2.

But that’s just me.

I agree with rosemary46. Either don’t go at all, or do whole thing.

This exact scenario happened to me. I miscarried about 11pm the night before being maid of honour to one of my very best friends. I decided not to tell her and put on my game face and very big pants and just crack on. I did tell the other bridesmaid, just in case.
It was actually okay. Distracted me, I took painkillers and also had a few drinks and I am glad I did it.

I know this may sound a bit abrupt but when I was bleeding heavily in a situation like this, I wore incontinence nappies. They were a God send and also helped hold my tummy in.

So sorry for your loss

I didn't want to be alone when I was miscarrying. I didn't necessarily want people to know, just didn't want to be alone.

Your friend sounds lovely and caring. Personally, I think I would go and do my best. If I couldn't cope, then maybe leave quietly after the ceremony. But I think you will find it distracting and helpful to put on your game-face for your friend, just as you do for your toddler. (Yes, having my toddlers around was also helpful for me, too.)

(((Hugs)))

What a horrible situation. Bless you going through this. I have miscarried naturally before and my HB and I actually went out for dinner the next day. It was all quite chaotic and funny trying to get booked in, waiters getting our meals wrong, awful table, we laughed through our wine glasses. Yes when we got into bed that night I cried some more but that distraction was so good. So if it was me, yes I’d go. Game face can be a very powerful thing to your mental health, that’s not to say don’t let you guard down, but it’s just a day - it has a beginning and an end and your friend sounds wonderfully supportive. I’m
Sure you can disappear for a little walk and take some deep breaths if it gets too much. Great suggestion of the period knickers too. Let us know how you are

No don't go tonight, rest and take care of yourself. If you feel well enough, go to the main wedding. Leave whenever you need to. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Sorry for this loss x

You are all such wonderful people, thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful answers. I decided not to go to the dinner this evening because my cramps were pretty bad at the time that I had to make the call. But they're easing up and I'll go for tomorrow. I also have a room for the night at the venue and my friend has said I'm ok to hide away in there any time I need. You're right that I have very lovely and understanding friends.

Thanks for all the tips! And I'm sorry too for all your losses, as many of you have been speaking from experience. My god, women are warriors, aren't they?!

Gland you’ve made a decision. Hope you all have a lovely day

Hope you are feeling a bit better tomorrow morning and that the day goes well.

How are you OP? I hope the day was okay.