No birth partner

[BabyBrindley]

I lost my Mum this year and after caring for her for so long she really was my one, true friend my world has been lonely without her. I promised her on her death bed I’d break out of my emotionally abusive relationship. Within months of her passing I found the strength and courage to break free, only to find out a few weeks later I was pregnant. He threatened suicide 4 weeks ago because I would not be with him and I have heard nothing from him since. I know he’s still around but he’s clearly got no interest in the child. I’m young, single and feeling very lonely. I only have brothers, no sisters and my best friend lives an hour away. My aunty has offered to be a birthing partner but we are not that close and I am a fairly private and conserved person. I struggle with anxiety and baby is due new year, i don’t even have the courage to ask someone in my family to be dedicated driver and not to drink Christmas and new year incase little one makes an arrival. I know they’d do it in a heartbeat and they’d be supportive. But honestly I feel so alone and this birth is going to be so scary and frightening. I just wish my Mum was here. Any help, advice or tips? X

I’m sending you the absolute biggest hug. I have no advice other than it’ll all work out in the end. Xxx

No. But I think that you are amazing for having left him and stayed gone. One thing that I will say is that births don't have to be scary and frightening. If you have the right staff they will keep you informed and give you options and time to consent. Could you afford a doula? Someone who will be focused on keeping you calm and informed? Or would your best friend be able to drop things at a moment's notice and drive over to meet you at hospital? Are you close enough to take a taxi there to meet her? Births rarely last less than an hour, so you should get enough warning for her to come to you.

I had to manage without a birth partner for my last birth and I was worried about it, but it turned out to be the best birth I've had (out of 5). I was fairly high risk anyway, so I wasn't left alone at all, and I found it very freeing to not have to think about what my husband thought/wanted. I think it was my quickest birth (less than 2 hours from first contraction to birth) partly because I was so much more relaxed. My midwife was amazing and I felt completely secure and supported.
I think it would help to put something in your birth plan about how you feel, and to be honest with your midwife when you get there. You won't be the first woman to have no birth partner and your midwife will be able to help you better if they know the situation.
Your family may be hoping to be asked for help. Sometimes people don't want to intrude or seem pushy, but are really happy to be asked. Speak to them, they may well be delighted to help out.

Plenty of women do give birth alone, do tell your midwife and if possible they may allot a student nurse or midwife in addition, also some hospitals have volunteers if you want who will meet with you before and be your birth partner

I bet your best friend would be honoured to be asked. Why don't you mention it to her and see how she reacts. Even if she just came to be with you in the early stages, to stop you getting too nervous.
Yes, it is a little scary when it's all unknown. I would really recommend being as prepared as possible for the birth. One way to do this is an NCT course, they offer massive discounts for people with low incomes. They also run pregnancy yoga classes called "stretch, breath and relax" (I think) which helped me soooo much in labour. You can start them from 20 weeks.
And watch some YouTube hypnobirthing videos. They are really relaxing.
Ask your GP or midwife to refer you for counselling. As a pregnant woman you will get priority support.
Try out whatever support you are offered. You deserve it.

You got this! You might not think you do at the moment but as A.A Milne said 'You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.'

as it stands right now, i don't have a birth partner (29 weeks today!) and i feel totally relaxed and happy about that! i too have very few options, and no one who could realistically be one for me, when i first realised this i felt incredibly alone, scared, and different to other expectant mums...

but now those feelings have passed, i know i can do this! talk to your midwife, be very honest about everything, mine is incredibly supportive, start thinking about your birth plan early, talk through it with your midwife, if she's as lovely and supportive as mine it'll give you a really calm, in control feeling, that helps.

you can do this alone if you want/have to, but also talk to your friend/family, they may want to help, and remember, this is your body, you have every right to demand that a birthing partner does things your way (like staying head end, being more back ground support, even waiting outside just so you know someone is near) giving birth does put you in a very vulnerable position (literally lol) so it's understandable that you're nervous about someone seeing you in that position xxx

Doula uk have a system for providing birth partners to women in situations like yours through their access fund doula.org.uk/help-with-hiring-a-doula/

Depending on where you live, you might have access to a case loading midwife team, where the same very small team of midwives see you all the way through the pregnancy, and deliver the baby. (One to one midwives is one, but there are others). So you have a chance to get to know them, and you can really trust the level of support you will have.
You are doing some big emotional heavy lifting right now- grieving for your mum, dealing with an unexpected pregnancy, escaping an abusive relationship. Each one of those things is HARD. You can ask for help, from your healthcare team or elsewhere. It's not unreasonable to be struggling with any one of those things, the fact that you are managing all three shows how strong you are, even if it doesn't always feel that way!

@Fliss689 thank you for the hugs much needed

@Brenna24 my friend has offered to be there, but I feel she will just be an emotional wreck a doula might be an option I’ve not thought of this. I’ll have a look in to it. Thank you!

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet I’m glad it worked well for you! I like the thought of not having to think about anyone else haha! That’s filled me with a lot of confidence about going this alone. I am struggling to understand who my midwife is I’ve already seen several due to a previous silent miscarriage which has left me very anxious. And seeing several is making me more anxious because I have to explain my situation again and again. Can I request to see just one midwife throughout or is it just depending on your hospital? Thank you!

@stucknoue thank you that’s something to look in to!
@Jamhandprints thank you! I really think counselling is something I should consider. My friend would love to be a birth partner but I know she would be an emotional wreck haha! And I’ve looked in to birth classes but the thought of looking young, being on my own and surrounded by happy couples will make me feel so uncomfortable. It might have to be YouTube until I get the courage haha!

@oldmumnewmum congratulations and good luck! All you wonderful ladies have really given me a boost of confidence going it alone may be the opposite of scary and really, rather liberating as long as I’m prepared. I’m going to start looking in to my birth plan. I know I’m strong and I’ve got this, I’m ready for this and I’m ready for my little one even if it is alone. Thank you !

@DustyDoorframes thank you that’s certainly something I will ask my hospital about. I think I’ve decided to go alone so having the same time of midwifes would really help. And thank you for your kind words, just what I needed to brighten my day

@FairyDust92 thank you very much!