How should we tell our infertile friend that I'm pregnant?

[Scampynoodle]

Yup, tonight I'm meeting friends who have been unable to conceive since their first child was born 6 years ago. It causes them enormous distress. The thing is that tonight dh and I are also telling them that I'm pregnant with our first, and possibly what will be our only, nipper.

Now, I've suffered years of infertility myself (up until I found this particular bun in my oven)so I know not to go in spilling over with excitement. I want them to know that we understand that while this may be good news for us it may make them want to smash the room up (I remember that feeling only too well when friends used to tell me their 'good news'). But I don't want to make assumptions about how they are feeling or patronise them either. They could be chuffed for all we know.

I suspect that we'll quietly tell them at the start of the evening (it's kind of daft to keep something this big to yourself until we're saying our goodbyes), not make a fuss and then only talk about it if they make the right noises. We just sooo want to do this right not least because we've put up with enormous insensitivity from fecund folk in the past.

How does that sound to you? Please let me know, chuck me a nugget, anything that you think will help.

Ta muchly

Sx

pmsl laughing pruners - have you ever been able to look him in the eye again?

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I suffered with infertility for 4 years and eventually conceived through ivf so I know how you and your friend feel.

I had some really black days where even though I was genuinly pleased for friends when they announced their pregnancies the almost physical pain of it not being me (again) still felt like a kick in the stomach. I never showed these feelings to my friends but sometimes it was really difficult to put a smile on my face and congratulate them because I felt like I wanted to curl up and cry, not because I felt it shouldn't be them but because I so desperatly wanted it to be me.

From what you've said I know you'll be sensitive to your friends situation but honestly, the easiest way for your friend would be if you could tell her over the phone or by email/text.

I had many years of infertility & finally though IVF I have dd. One of closet friends was pregnant with her first who lives in Scotland. I knew before she told me. Its nice that you are thinking of your friends feelings, but tell her before you go if you don't know how she will react face to face. I was over joyed for my friend, but did still feel sad that she felt like she couldn't tell me because of my situation.
Good Luck I am sure your friend will be overjoyed for you too.x

I've literally just done this very thing - my friend has had 3 m/c in the last year and the last at 17 wks a month ago and we were both trying and now I've found out I'm pregnant.

I understand how you feel. You don't want to feel you are patronising or boasting but it has to be done at some point and I really didn't want to put it off just in case she suspected and then thought I had been avoiding telling her! It is difficult.

So I just told her on the phone rather than face to face so she could get used to the fact and do whatever she had to do in privacy.

I was really casual and didn't go on about it - just said it and she sounded pleased and I didn't refer to her own situation. I said it was only "early days" yet as if saying "I might still lose it". You do feel you want to apologise but you can't.

I then saw her the next day in person and she didn't even mention it,so neither did I & of course now I feel really guilty because she then mentioned she was still bleeding from her m/c and so now I feel I've told her too early. But it's done now. I just hope she comes to terms with it. My hubby said I can't feel responsible and apologetic for being pregnant and that she'll come to terms with it some time.

I hope it all goes well for you, but you might like to think if the roles were reversed how you would like to be told. You know your friend and how she might react so if you feel she'll deal with it well being told in that environment then fair enough, but personally I think it would be better done in a different way because it might spoil your evening. But this is just my little opinion so I hope I don't offend here.

What a fab response to my dilemma. You are all angels, I tell you, angels! It is so good to hear so many opinions on this and you've given me bags to think about.

I reckon it's too late to tell her before I see her now. We're meeting her and her dh at 8pm and they're in a meeting until then so that ship has sailed. It's just down to being tactful now. Gawd, you'd think that with experience of this myself I'd know what I was doing wouldn't you?

My dh and I have a running joke between ourselves and close freinds that he's got supersperm because he managed to get an infertile woman pregnant. I don't think we'll be mentioning that one tonight, not least because the main prob is in her husband's wigglers. And I certainly don't feel super fertile! I'm the last woman on earth to boast about my ability to get pregnant I can tell you!

So I reckon we'll take it slowly and rather than make an announcement we'll just slip it into the conversation when it feels appropriate. That way we can all ignore it if we want and talk about the terrible weather instead. And I'll grab her on her own at some point too, just to tell her that she can still rant at me about things if she wants. I've been her sounding board on this on occasion and I don't want her to think she has to stop ranting now. God knows, I'm still full of rant myself!

Blimey and thanks again. Where the bollocks would any of us be without MN?

Sx

Hey Scampynoodle,

Ive kind of been in yours and your friends situation, 7 years ago me and 2 friends were all pregnant at the same time (all were having girls) My baby was stillborn and what annoyed me more than anything was the way people treated me differently around their babys when they were born, my friends were great they knew I was happy for them but I hated the fact that other people around them treat me like I was made of china and would break if the baby was passed to me, what happened to me was very unlucky but I certainly wasnt going to fall to pieces because my friends had healthy babys. I was over the moon for them. I was then put in your situation 2 years ago, my brother and sis in law had been trying for a baby for 6 years and just as they had found out that she couldnt conceive naturally.........I found out I was pregnant again. They were fantastic and were so happy for me.
As fate would have it they fell pregnant on their first attempt on IVF and a week after there good news.....guess who found out they were pregnant again(sooo not planned tho). I was terrified that they would think I was trying to steal their thunder and it took me weeks to tell them but they were over the moon because their little one would have a cousin so close together. They have had their baby and im still waiting, due any day but I have been in both situations and I really would be happy for you if it was me. You sound like a great friend, they are lucky to have you and i am sure they will be so thrilled for you. CBTW

Well, I thought I'd update you on my little announcement.

Course, after all my fretting things were fine. We told our friends early in the evening and then just let it drop. They were shocked, because of our circumstances, but raised the subject several times themselves afterwards so there was plenty of chance to talk about it. They were a fab source of advice actually!

They are genuinely chuffed for us and although she couldn't stop hugging me there were moments when she looked v lost in thought and a little sad. She reminded me of my pre-pregnancy self at times.

So I'll leave 'em alone for a week or two, now, and then arrange to meet up with her for one of our usual gossips over grub. I just want to give her time to feel whatever it is she's feeling.

Thanks again for all your help, laydees. Gems, the lot of you.

Sx

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scampynoodle glad all went well. big {hug} for you.x