Antenatal depression or just second thoughts? Help.

[Wonderway19]

Hi,

I've scanned through the site a few times and feel you are all quite a supportive lot and so I will run the risk of being judged to try and gain some support on my situation.
I am 13 weeks intro a planned and wanted pregnancy - I am a mum of two children 13 and 9 and my partner has a daughter of 4.
I had a light bleed at 10 weeks which developed into quite a heavy bleed over the course of a weekend - No clotting or cramps, but I convinced myself I was miscarrying and I think through trying to comfort myself I had also convinced myself it was for the best - I told myself we wasn't really ready to have another child within our beautiful family unit, I wasn't happy to buy another car and move house to accommodate for the would be new arrival, and I thought about all of the things my partner and I would be able to explore together now that we wouldn't the baby between us - We both co-parent very well with our ex partners and have great relationships, so are able to go on holidays / weekends away etc with no trouble as we plan these around times our children are away with their other parents.
I had an early scan on the Monday following my bleed and despite me having told myself to expect the worse - There it was, a strong heart beat on the screen, no concerns whatsoever - No reason for the bleed.
I hate myself for even thinking this let alone saying it out loud but I felt gutted inside - I had told myself this baby had gone for two days and yet here it was, I wanted to feel elated and happy but I just couldn't. I forced a smile on my face as my partner told me how happy he was and how we must have god on our side but deep down all I felt was disappointment - I know this is a disgusting thing to say, but please don't judge me.
Three weeks on I can't shift this feeling of impending doom and dread. I've had another scan and willed myself to be happy and feel love when I saw it's little heart flickering on the screen, but again I felt nothing.
I force a smile and tell everyone who congratulates me how happy we are - but inside I feel sick to think I have this baby growing inside of me.
I've stood at the top of the stairs so many times and thought about throwing myself down them, I've googled every herb concoction possible in the hope of starting a miscarriage at home, I hate myself for thinking like this but I just feel like my whole life as I know it will end and not for the better.
I feel that termination would not be an option as my partner would never agree to it, He is over the moon about this pregnancy and I love him so much, but I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that I want to leave him so I don't have to continue with the pregnancy. I know my time is running out and I really need some guidance on what to do - Please help!

I have had similar feelings about my own planned and wanted pregnancy. It wasn't until all was fine at 12 weeks that I started to feel major regret about the change in my life. Despite having thought about this decision for 2 years...

I haven't gone as far as researching miscarriage. I think that is a concerning development for you. I HAVE thought about changing my mind and having an abortion, but only fleetingly. It just served to make me feel shitter anyway.
My mood started getting really low at about 20 weeks, I knew what I was feeling was not normal, I wanted to sleep all day and lost interest in life. So i sought help from the GP and midwife and have been referred to antenatal mental health team, and was signed off with depression for a few weeks.
I'm 25 weeks now, and honestly feel quite differently. I think i needed some time to reflect, i am also on sertraline, and have been planning and preparing by setting up house for baby. Nesting in my own way i guess.
I would suggest you seek help from the GP and ask for a referral to perinatal mental health team.
You need some proper counselling through this to help you make a rational choice you don't regret.
If you feel like harming yourself, call crisis, or make sure you find out your local mental health crisis number where you will get immediate support. You can also call the samaritans.
Do you have a close friend, or another mum friend you could safely confide in?

Hi,

Thank you for your response - It's nice to know there are other women in the world who plan a pregnancy and have a doubt.
I don't particularly feel I want to harm myself, I just don't want to be pregnant anymore.
I have discussed it in depth with my best friend who has said She knows me inside and out and knows that if I have this baby I will be miserable and She feels I am continuing with it for the sake of my partner and will suffer myself in the long run.
I'm scared to see my GP and be given antidepressants to mask over this feeling, I don't want to pretend and I don't want to be made to feel another way through medication as I know that won't last forever and I know it isn't a route I want to take.
I had terrible post natal depression after my last child and I feel I have only really become myself again over the last couple of years - I can't get rid of this overwhelming feeling of 'what the hell have I done!?'

SSRIs like sertraline don't mask feelings, they are supposed to return your brain to a normal operating environment so your thinking is less negative. So in theory if it worked you may then be sure that your decision is not from a place of depression, but from genuine need.

Trouble is by the time you get all that and it kicks in you will be getting quite far gone.

Do you think you could talk with your partner? I have spoken to mine about doubts and fears but it got quite upsetting for him. He asks whether I really want to be a mum and now I assure him, yes. I'm not sure if it's he truth.
When I weigh up the pros and cons then the pros come out tops. When I think of worst case scenarios, such as a split with partner if I terminated potentially, then I would rather have baby with him and change my life in that way, than lose him.
If the consequences are regret and depression for years? Well, I think the chances of that are low. I think I have the support I need in place to prevent, or deal with it were it to happen. I was keen to get mental health support now, as it can vastly reduce chances of postnatal depression.
Visualise your life without baby, and with. Try to find positives and negatives about both situations. When you write down all of these, choose the most hysterical or negative ones and write the opposite possible scenario instead, and see if that seems more realistic to happen. I find this helps a lot (it's a CBT technique).
If you decide to terminate, perhaps others have advice on where to get support for this, I'm afraid I've not gone through that so can't sensibly advise.
Really feel for you OP

Poor you OP. I would stop beating yourself up about this as you have no control over the way you are feeling. The very fact that you are worried about your thoughts show you care and are not a bad person.
I think it’s more common than you realise, and people most likely question such big life decisions all the time. It’s just that society expects pregnant women to be glowing and have a permanent smile plastered across their faces.
If I was you, I’d speak to my partner, despite the fact it maybe difficult, and then speak to midwife/gp to get some help. If needed they can refer you down the necessary pathways to get the help you need. Don’t continue to suffer in silence. You don’t need to. Wishing you all the best.
Ps I was stressed about my decision to have a baby for a while and it was definitely planned (Ivf!)

I really wish I could stop beating myself up about it but I honestly can't.
I can't believe how stupid and naive i've been.

I never thought about the bigger picture and how drastically my income would drop with maternity leave.
My partners Mum agreed before we even thought about another baby that She would have the baby three days a week after my maternity leave ended so I could return part time to my current role - She has since gone back on this and with a new car and home to purchase I cannot even imagine paying nursery fees on top.

I have spoken to my partner who has advised He will support me either way as He wouldn't force me to continue with a pregnancy when He knows I don't want the baby.
I'm feared to death that the baby will be born with defects, and I can't bare the thought of going through the mental distress of post natal depression again.
I wish there was a way out of this mess but I just can't see a positive ending.

Dear OP, you could have antenatal depression - or you could regret your decision or changed your mind or all 3. However, right now you need support. Have you got a good GP? Actually, are you with an antenatal team as they will have a specialist who can see you - you will be seen as a priority as you are a pregnant woman with depression or depressive thoughts. Get in touch with your antenatal team, ask for an emergency appointment and tell them about your suicidal thoughts - they should get you priority counselling to help you decide how to proceed.

Thank you - I was assigned an antenatal mental health nurse at booking because of my history with PND.
I'm just scared I will mask my feeling for them to come flooding back once the baby is born.

I think you need to meet with her and be totally honest. In Ireland you can get an abortion due to antenatal depression so it is a key area that is assessed. I had PND but no antenatal depression. However, I now research the area and I really think you should access specialist help and go through all of your options. You may decide to keep the baby or not but at least they will discuss it all and you can clarify all of your thoughts. Please feel free to keep in touch with me.