Visitors

[WhiteLightTrainWreck]

I'm 3 weeks away from having dc1 and am very sure of how I want things to play out once they are here.
I've spoken to my parents, in-laws and a few cousins (my family is huge and close, think Catholic grandparents. OHs family is considerably smaller) have found them all to be very supportive, however a few of my friends have voiced that they are feeling quite put out as they are excited I'm FINALLY having a baby, I'm the last of us to do it.

So can I run my plan by you honest bunch of people and reassure myself that what I want to do isn't out of order?

I go into labour, we let both sets of dps know.
Depending on hospital stay, only oh and our parents visit. Or just dp with me if I'm a short stay.
Week 1
Only visitors would be parents, siblings and grandparents. My dad and my oh mum have been nominated to let family know baby has arrived towards the end of the week (they seem to be the family newsbarers and news recently has been bad so we thought this would make a nice change)
Week 2
Extended family are welcome to visit, Letting us know first as I plan to ebf.
Week 3
Friends are welcome to come and visit as above.
A few of my friends are of the opinion that I'm hiding myself away as I'm quite a social person, so me not wanting them to come and visit us for the first couple of weeks is not normal. My thoughts are that this is a big change, I want to adjust at my own pace.
For context the hold them back until I'm settled has come from a couple of them saying they will come over, send me to bed look after baby and clean the house for me, that feels invasive.

I know that once baby arrives I'll probably change my mind, but for now, that is what I want and I don't think it's unfair.

So lovely people of mumsnet, please let me know how unfair I am being to the people that love me.

Your plan sounds fine in theory. In practice remember they aren't wanting to come and see your bruised fanjo or leaky boobs. Just to see you and congratulate you on your gorgeous squashy baby that you will be dying to show off!!
Ime getting short visits out the way early on leaves you free to relax and enjoy the early days worrying that you have miffed someone by keeping them away!

Honestly the friends you see everyday and care about you (and genuinely want to see your baby) should have priority over extended family.

OP; I think it is very insensitive of your friends to say this to you. Everyone is different and everyone's labour and birth is different. Say, for example, you have a difficult labour and birth and feel a bit battered and bruised. Of course you are going to want minimal visitors! I know I am planning on having only our parents and siblings visit in the first couple of weeks for sure.

Not only will you be feeling a little delicate, but you will also be hormonal and having to adjust to looking after a tiny human at the same time as recovering from pushing said tiny human out of your hoo-ha! OR recovering from a section.

I'm sorry but I would stand your ground. It is YOUR life and you need to spend the first few weeks with your newborn however YOU want to spend it without worrying about who you are upsetting etc.

If they are true friends they would understand! X

It all sounds very controlling. I’d rather see my friends than my extended family. Maybe just go with the flow? When friends dropped by from day 3 with presents / flowers / cards, sometimes I saw them and sometimes I didn’t - depended on what we were up to and how I was feeling.

I mean, see how you feel? I wasn't up to much after DC1 due to a tricky birth (hoping DC2 will be easier!) but lots of people I know who've had a straightforward time are keen to see people / show off baby straight away - especially if you are sociable to begin with. Don't be too rigid.

Thank you for the opinions and advice everyone. Reading it back it does sound controlling, I'm not a controlling person usually, trust me!!
I'm going to have another chat with my OH about things, he's been very much "we'll do what you want to do, I'll support that" which is great.

When I say extended family, I'm very close to them, some of these are people I see at least 2/3 times a month, but they're extended in the sense they are aunts, uncles and cousins. I see my friends possibly just as frequently, the control I'm seeking I think boils down to me being social but a very private person (when things aren't good, I shut down and hide) so I think to an extent telling my friends to wait a bit is because they have already made plans for what's going to happen when they come over, and I don't like that?

I think you just have visitors as you feel able but don’t put any rules on it. I had a c section but after four days in hospital I couldn’t wait to get out and about (and I’m an introvert by nature) so had several friends over first day back and was out at a restaurant second day (breastfed at the restaurant too).
Do what you want and just tell people they need to call you first to see if you are up for it and don’t already have visitors!

I wouldn't let anyone know when you go into labour. You don't know how you'll feel or how long it will take and once you let them know, you/DP will have to keep them updated which adds pressure.

really overthinking this. Just take each day as it comes.

Wait to see how you feel, I thought I would want visitors soon after to come and say hello and meet the baby, but after a tricky birth that is the last thing I wanted! It's fairer to say to people you aren't sure but will let them know rather than promise something you are going to regret.

How exciting for you OP!! I'm only 9 weeks with DC1!! Myself and OH have large families and lots of friends!! To start with we have four sets of parents!!!!! I want them all to visit as soon as they can make it hospital or otherwise because I would hate for any of them to think either got priority!! To be honest I'm prepared for a free for all!!!!!! Good luck with however you decide to handle it!!

To be honest, only on Mumsnet have I come across such odd approaches to allowing people to see your baby, but it's your baby so do what you like. I'd probably feel a bit put out if one of my close friends said to me I wasn't allowed to visit until a certain date - don't know what I'd have done without my friends helping me out really!

If you want to go with that plan though then fine, in my experience it takes a week or two for people to get around to visiting you anyway so probably doesn't make a huge difference either way. I'd rethink keeping the birth a secret for a week but then I'm just not that way inclined 🤷‍♀️

Id say go with the flow too,it doesnt have to be so set out like that,doesnt have to be a plan. Its the last thing u will be thinking of once your baby is here.

I didnt plan at all and it was tottally fine. Most of ny friends work so we booked weekends in and that gave me plenty of time between visits

I think do what makes you feel comfortable! However whatever you may be thinking/planning now may be totally different after you’ve had the baby, and your plan seems very set in stone!
Also in those first few weeks despite you having your family around you, you might actually feel quite isolated & lonely and be grateful for the company & help of friends rather than family! In my experience the family are actually a lot more controlling and interfering than the friends are, and you may be sick of the sight of them (although everyone is different obviously!)
I personally let whoever wanted visit, and I was out and about straight away too (like someone else said, breast feeding and everything even with my first) I’m a shy introverted type of person but I think staying home alone would’ve been more of a set back for me!

However ultimately at the end of the day, Do whatever you like and is right for you. And the opinions of other people don’t matter!

Can't you just see what happens. No one will turn up without prior arrangements anyway. You may be like I was and I was buzzing for as many people to come see my bundle of joy as soon as possible. I let people come as they wanted to. Some came the same day some left it a couple of days. Some came in the evening after work, does it have to be so set? People who genuinely care won't want you to look your best and will understand they won't be made drinks or treated as guests. It's about them congratulating you and meeting your lovely new baby. Enjoy showing your baby off and if you're to tired one day, say x

You'll change your mind

If you feel better having a plan then so be it, it's completely up to you!! If you change your mind then no harm done!! Biggest factor will be how you are feeling in yourself and how quickly you recover. I have a large family as does husband, we had visitors every day for around 2 weeks, was glad to get them out of the way to be honest. Second due in November and daughter starting preschool in Sept, so this time it'll be to suit her mainly.