I feel selfish for wanting my baby.

[Corinne85]

I have been signed off work with chronic depression for 18 months, only been with my partner for 5 months and I found out I’m pregnant.

For so many years I’ve really wanted to be a mum. I was in a lot better position in life, I was working, and coping with life.

Now that it has actually happened I have no income apart from universal credit, the idea of returning to work makes me panic and stress. I’m so scared about how I’m going to provide for my child. Can you live with chronic depression and be a good parent still?

I feel so selfish for wanting this child! I’ve only told two people other than the dad. My best friend was happy for me and thinks I’m making the right choice. But my sister all I got was negativity. You need to get back to work so you have maternity pay! I know practically she’s correct but just the thought of returning to work has made me panic and I haven’t slept because I feel like a terrible person for being so selfish.

Any help or support is welcome! Have you raised a child with depression and managed? Have you survived raising a child being reliant on universal credit for money? Is it even possible?
Thanks

Are you living with the father in a committed relationship ? There would be a big difference between being a single mother in this situation, and having a partner at home who you could rely on .

Well, you're not selfish just a normal human being. Lots of humans want babies - even when they can't support them alone. Not sensible though? Probably. If your mental health is poor without the stress of caring for another human (and no word of a lie they're hard work) then it will almost certainly not get better any time soon.

It's not something I'd do.

I’m still with the farther but he does live over a hours drive away. He is also signed off with depression which is one of the reasons we work so well because we understand each other. He wouldn’t be moving in until around November time.

It's not selfish to want the baby but I do think it's selfish to have a baby in these circumstances. Do you have a plan for getting back to work? Does the dad?

He isn't working, I would happily work if I could have a job that's not stressful. But the one I have is very stressful and I just don't think I can return. I know what ever job I get is going to be a huge pay cut but at least it will be more than I am getting on universal credit.

So are you actively looking to get back to work? Is he?

OP your name change hasn't worked. I'm with the go back to work consensus. There isn't many jobs out there that aren't stressful at sometime and if yours is that bad look for another. Have you seen your GP and tried medication or a different medication. Depression is awful and it's hard to force yourself to do anything but it will especially hard to look after a baby. Sleep deprivation etc. Will your partner be supportive. Having said that UC should be a temporary solution and not a lifetime back up to raise a family on as you will add to your depression with having very little money to love off of. Good luck.

How old are you OP?

I don’t think I would have a child in this situation, I’m sorry to say. Not financially, since people manage (newborns aren’t expensive, the issue would come if you want to go back to work as you may not be much better off and you’ll need to pay for childcare, so you may be trapped at home on UC for years even if your MH improves).

I have twins and physical health issues which can also lead to MH issues at times. DH has occasional bouts of depression usually in winter. It’s bloody hard because even when you feel your absolute worst, you still have to get up and take care of your child(ren). No one else is going to do it, and that’s doubly true if you don’t live with your partner. It’s a new relationship and you don’t live together, unless you move in together I can see how resentment at the responsibility you’re carrying could impact things. If he’s too depressed to come over and you’re struggling with a baby alone, how would you feel?

There’s also a good chance your MH may worsen during and after pregnancy.

Are you getting decent treatment? Is it helping? Perinatal mental health services are generally better funded so you may get much more help with your MH, but that’s really a postcode lottery.

Have you had your booking appointment yet? Your midwife can help you.

Have you seen your GP and tried medication or a different medication.

I think someone who’s been signed off work for 18 months has probably tried anti-depressants 🙄

OP, if your depression is at all related to trauma, have you tried EMDR? I know it’s expensive but there are online services now which are much more affordable

I would also say that this:

I would happily work if I could have a job that's not stressful.

isn't that realistic. Most jobs are stressful at least some of the time. It's better to focus on your own mechanisms for coping with stress.

@sinkgirl

Not necessarily so. I've been in OP shoes and refused medication but was still signed off. I battled through and had counselling in the end and that worked for me.

Sorry to sound harsh but if you find work stressful do not have a child.

Having a child is never ending work. Their needs always come first it’s 24/7 often without a break.

Throw in depression and poor finances and you are both potentially going to be in a difficult situation. A child is a life long responsibility and we owe it to them to give them the very best start in life.

No parent is perfect and we all have our doubts and worries about becoming parents but I’d seriously question whether now is the time given your current circumstances.

OP just remember it's not about what other people would do in your situation, it's about what you would do and perhaps it would be worth seeking support with your mental health condition, for a lot of expecting Mums and mum's who have babies they may have a perinatal cpn, which is a nurse who makes sure the Mum And Baby are all alright, and also getting on the right medication may help manage your condition.

I have bipolar and I've recently had my baby , I'm on medication and have a perinatal cpn to support and I've been just fine in my mental health through out pregnancy and after, and my baby's 5 months now ,and she and I are doing really good.

How ever in regards to the universal credit thing I am not sure how that is because of not being on it , I've heard some people have struggled on it due to it being monthly though are you getting any money in regards to your own condition Like PIP as you may be entitled to it?

I do take medication for years different types and I'm on the best I've had. I have had counselling and cbt, done all the courses. My biggest obstacle is low confidence and it increases in stressful situations, such as people shouting at me on the phone at work and it's a call centre job!

I know I could be a really good mum and I know how hard it is going to be. I'm not young I'm in my mid 30's. My depression is a long term illness I'm probably always going to have it. This is why it's the hardest decision of my life. I don't think I could ever get over it if I have a abortion.

What job do you have? If she's sick then there's only so much she can do. Have you started talking therapies with nhs? This is perfect timing to get well :)

Also your oh needs to start looking for work.. you can do it!

Just reread and you have. Ok is there another job you can do for a bit?

I think that is part of the problem I don't know what to do for work anymore, i just know that I can't handle other people's anger anymore and that is a huge trigger for me to panic. I was thinking about doing something like care work but my confidence is so low that I guess I'm scared of trying and failing at another job! I have been in my current job for 6 years including the last 18months signed off.

Working in a call centre is one of the most soul sucking and depressing jobs to do. I worked for 8 years in a call centre. The best thing I did was leave. My health was affected. Literally any job you do would be less stressful. You could do reception work or office work. Any customer facing job. People tend to be really nasty on the phone.
I’m sorry your going through such a hard time. Mental health has a massive impact on everything we do.

Maybes talk things over with a friend, have a look around at what jobs are available. See what your options are. I’ve brought kids up while working full time and a short amount of time on benefits. It is not easy either way but so worth it for the joy that children bring. I struggled while on benefits and it was awful. Hopefully your partner can talk things over and you can plan for the future. Whatever you decide good luck.

Urgh OP I hate these kind of threads as obviously if you want to keep your baby you should...but this is a terrible situation. Mentally and physically you’re not in a place to provide for or care for a baby!

You might want one and love your child now but I do wonder how much experience of small children you have and what you plan to do if the reality triggers your MH issues (which it’s very likely to do) Even women who don’t have MH issues regularly develop them with small children to care for- it’s incredibly hard work!

You need to be able to cope with life and I hate to say it but right now you’re just not in that place. I would imagine at least 80% of people consider their jobs very stressful. But if the really can’t take it they switch jobs and do something else (I used to work in law and would regularly have panic attacks and vomit with stress) now I work in finance and it’s much better.

There is NO shame in being signed off with stress or depression as it gives you time to regroup, clear your mind and change plans - but being signed off for extended periods with no clear plan and a baby on the way is a nightmare situation and one very few people manage to navigate out of!

It’s so difficult. It sounds like you’re not in a position to work right now and later in pregnancy it will be harder to find a new job even if things improve.

How far along are you? You may be able to speak to a community midwife now who specialises in patients with MH issues (I was under that team due to a few risk factors and they were amazing).

Could you work for yourself? Do you have any skills you could monetise? Any experience of office work that would enable you to be a virtual PA?

I'm very early pregnant about 6 weeks so at the very beginning. I wasn't even sure if I could get pregnant as I tried with my ex and nothing happened. My partner now also didn't think he could because he had a test when he was in his 20's and had a low count. However this was in not planned please no judgment.

I do have experienced with baby's I have a nephew and nieces that I used to look after on a regular basis and friends and family that I have been close to. I'm not naive to think that it won't be hard work, I do.

I'm looking into pip thanks.

I have spoken to my dr and two midwifes that have been really supportive and reassuring me that I can do this. But as soon as I spoke to my sister my confidence has all gone again.

I grew up with a mum who had untreated depression and it wasn’t a good childhood. As long as you are getting treated and you are serious about taking your medication and asking for help, I don’t see why you can’t have a child.