First scan after loss

[BabyBrindley]

My first NHS 12 week scan is on Friday. 5 days I’ve got to go to work and try to concentrate. I lost my first baby in January, they stopped growing at 5 weeks but it was not picked up until my 12 week scan. I nearly lost my life during the miscarriage. I’ve already paid for 2 private scans with this little one, 6 weeks and 9 weeks showed a strong, healthy heartbeat. I’m further already than I got with my first but 12 weeks is still the point things went wrong. I’m fearful I’ve got excited too early, I’m fearful of the what if I’ve got to go to another baby service and say goodbye, I’m fearful of the pain of miscarriage again. I had my mum last time but she passed away in February. I’ve just escaped my emotionally abusive relationship, he’s dad to both babies he was threatening to kill himself if I did not stay with him. I’ve changed my scan date, I just can’t deal with him right now. I feel so alone, so scared. Only close family know. I have no sisters, only brothers. My dad said he wants to come with me to the first scan, do you think this will be ok? I am so scared. I feel like I should be packing a bag for hospital so I can have the procedure straight away when they tell me there’s no heartbeat. I know I am probably overreacting. But all I can see is flashbacks to january my brother carrying me in to a&e as I drifted in and out of consciousness, I can feel all that blood, I can feel the pain, I can see the doctors running to the waiting room and carrying me in to a private room to get me treated as my family were told to wait outside, I remember my limbs weak and not being able to talk then waking again at 4am in the morning to use the commode then the nurse walked backed in and asked me to sign a consent form to have my baby cremated. I am petrified. Any tips, advice or support? From one worried Mummy :(

@BabyBrindley- oh my love you have been through so much, sending you a big cuddle!!! I lost a baby last year and currently 14 weeks. Although I’m so happy, my loss last year I hate to say has ruined the experience for me. All I can think is what can go wrong. People are so happy for me but I just don’t feel it as I’m crippled with anxiety. I’m pissed off my MC has robbed my of having joy during this pregnancy. Maybe it gets easier? But you’re not alone, I’ve had a lot of tears this weekend. Take each day at a time. You can always message me on here if you need to talk 💜

@BabyBrindley Many hugs from me too, you've been through so much, in such a short space of time. I had an early (6 weeks) ectopic pregnancy back in February, and while I haven't yet managed to conceive again, preparing for a pregnancy after a previous loss is a scary thing to go through, especially in circumstances like yours. Be kind to yourself, continue to ignore your ex, focus on yourself and accept all help, love and support you can get. Put yourself in the hands of people like your doctor, friends, family and colleagues - they're almost always waiting to be kind to you if you just let them know you could use it.

One thing I found hugely helpful was counselling, arranged free through work in my case via an employee assistance programme. Lots of workplaces have this sort of thing but it's almost always badly advertised. I'd suggest talking to your manager in confidence if you're feeling up to it and letting them know what's going on / how you're feeling, and seeing what's available.

Do talk to your GP / EPU too and see if they can refer you to a peri-natal mental health team for a no strings chat. It's totally understandable that you're anxious right now after everything you've been through, all so recently as well. They can help with that, plus your mention of such vivid flashbacks is worth talking to someone about, just in case it's PTSD or similar, which would be completely normal in either of our situations.

Finally, do come on over to the pregnancy loss board, and there's a whole thread of women in this section in a similar situation to you, who are kind, happy to talk and who get how scary this all is. Wishing you so much love, luck and strength.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3608075-The-Graduates-of-TTC-after-pregnancy-loss-thread