20 weeks and struggling to accept it

[suchomimus]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and I feel numb about my pregnancy. I know it's not normal but not sure what to do.

I have a nearly 6 year old DS and have been frying for a second child for 4 years. In that time I had 4 mcs, had tests, was under a fertility consultant. Before falling pregnant now I was considering giving up trying.

Apart from going through the motions with appointments/tests/scans it hasn't really sunk this is happening and I haven't told anyone, including DS. But it's getting quite difficult to hide from everyone. Knowing I have to tell people is making me feel quite sad. Sad because it will then be real. Sad for me and DS as there will be such a big age gap, looking after a baby is hard and it will take my attention away from my son, I'm not sure my son will want a sibling. Sad because I'm not sure I stopped to think in the last four years whether this is what I really want. And angry with myself because for the last 4 years I would have given anything to be where I am now.

I haven't spoken to anyone in real life as I don't know what to say. And I don't think anyone would understand. I mean, if me two years ago was reading this I would think I was pathetic.

Oh you poor thing. I wonder if, after the stress of the MCs, and all the trying, your emotions are just trying to keep you stable and not get excited in case anything further goes wrong, if that makes sense? Can you get some counselling with someone who understands this area?

You sound depressed. The age gap thing I wouldn’t worry about. Mine have a 5 year gap. It’s brilliant. The boys adore each other. They do play doh together, paint, love going swimming, kicking a ball together. Yes sometimes we do have to do different activities but it’s not a problem. DS1 recently went to DS2’s first preschool concert (he’s 2.5) and was so proud. DS2 loves going to watch his brother play a sport or a musical instrument. My sister and I have a 14 year gap. We are very close as adults.

Thanks for replying.

It's good to hear positive stories about big ages gaps. I seem to only hear negative ones. I do so much active stuff with DS that I just won't be able to do anymore.

I wouldn't know where to start with counselling. I'd feel like a bid of a fraud as I really should be happy about this.

You will be able to do quite a bit of the active stuff again pretty soon - especially if your other half is on board properly.

Having a youg sib was superb for my DC's social development - the age gap is a bit smaller, but now they are young adults they are basically true mates, and they value each other just as I value my sibling. I do remember being horrified when DC2 was born "what have I done to my little boy!!??" (DC1). Luckily the feeling didn't last.

You ahve been though just an awful lot though, and sometimes the deression symptoms only kick in when the stress lifts - which it kind of has now for you, if you see waht I mean. Only now the "problem" is 'dealth with" are you able to feel its cumulative impact on you.

Be kind to yourself, and yes, seek some counselling perhaps.

been through, sorry about the typing

counselling would mean - just telling someone what you have told us, probably.

My kids are 9 years apart and it's great. Dd will play with DS and "help" when she feels like it. It would be worth talking to someone about this maybe even just a friend or OH just to see if it's all the stress or if you truly feel upset about pregnacy. You can still do loads with your 6 year old babies sleep alot for the 1st while. Go parks with baby in pram. Play whatever while baby kicks its legs on the floor or in a bouncer. Then as baby gets older you can get baby to "join" in. Hope everything works out the way you need it to.

Speak to your midwife. It could possibly be Antenatal Depression, or it could just be a strange reaction to the shock of it. Either way, she should be able to help you. Let her know how you're feeling. Ive been referred to a mental health midwife/consultant as I have PND still from having DS and she asked me questions to make sure i wasn't depressed about the current pregnancy.

Depression in pregnancy is very common and treatable. It's just not talked about much. Have you told your midwife how you are feeling? She may be able to refer you to a service that can help. It's important to tackle it now, because if it's not addressed it can turn into postnatal depression.

But a trained counsellor wouldn’t think you were a fraud, they’d understand that the disconnect between what you think you ought to be feeling and what you’re actually feeling, and also what you’re not feeling, is distressing you.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice.

I totally understand how you're feeling. I was ttc my first for just over two years (would not have survived four - you deserve a medal for that, not that you'd want one.). During our round of ivf I had a moment where o was thinking 'do I even want this?' Ttc long term is so all consuming and deflating that it's easy to lose sight. You also go through far more emotions than you would if you just fell pregnant.

It's just a total headfuck.

Those feelings are resurfacing slightly today as my three month old just wont settle. It's very much 'oh why did I change my life so much and why did I force it by having ivf. But I was miserable all the time before getting pregnant. But I am hoping it's just been a tough day.

I will be seeking help if it's more than just a tough day. Health care professionals have seen it all. It sounds like you need support and to be kinder to yourself.