Unable to get excited about expecting

[thelady]

I'm hoping I'm not the only one to feel like this.

DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8, and 'trying' for 4. After being told nothing was going to happen (basically told to come back when we were ready for IVF!), we're now expecting our first.

I thought I'd be delighted, excited, and just generally full of the joys. Instead, getting ready for this little one just feels like yet another enormous task on an already far-too-full to do list.

Am I being ridiculous, normal, or just plain weird? I do want this baby, very much indeed, and at 21 weeks I know there's still plenty of time to be prepared, but...

You can buy all the stuff the magazines tell you you need, but all of it won't really make any difference. I thought if I had everything, that it would all be so easy and manageable when the baby arrived so how wrong I was! Looking after a newborn is hard. Nappy wipe warmers will not change this fact.

I had a very good pregnancy, bought lots of stuff, had my rose-tinted glasses firmly on. When the baby arrived I realised how silly that was.

Just enjoy your pregnancy! It really is a magical time and don't let "stuff" get in the way of that.

As for your already far too ful to-do list, maybe that needs to be handed over to someone else? Indulge in long baths, long lunches with your DH, trips to the theatre, fun with your bump, lots of sex and generally having a good time!

Is it possible to enjoy pregnancy? Mine were remarkably unmagical, except in a rather Voldermortian way.

I'd just get on with as much work as possible, and try and sort out some logistics about childcare if you're planning to continue work after the baby's born, frankly. And read some novels.

"read some novels". good advice!

I hated pregnancy too. I did get a few slightly excited moments but they were far fewer than my "oh my god" moments. It's the bit after pregnancy that counts though.

Is 'read some novels' the best anyone can think of? Sorry but that worries me!

Tinkjon: I wish I /could/ delegate - that's the downside of being self-employed and an employer to boot.

We try very hard to get some time together, but frankly running a hotel doesn't leave enough time for sleeping, never mind anything else: that's why we're looking to downsize.

Childcare is going to be a bit of a nightmare as we're both currently working unpaid to build the business up (bed and board only!) so whether I work or not we're going to have to find the wherewithal to pay someone to do at least some of the hours I'm currently doing.

Ho hum. Much as we both want this tadpole, the pregnancy was utterly unexpected and is causing some major hassles

it's not the only advice anyone can think of, gemy, but why does it worry you? Not everyone does or even can "enjoy" pregnancy imo, and it is not helpful to pretend that everyone does

ps, thelady - I do sypathise. that's the position I was in (albeit in a sit down job). I didn't really have maternity leave. my advice is: do all you can to get at least a month off. then you will probably be able to work during baby's naps.

I understand why you're so worried. Maybe you're thinking that this just isn't the right time and maybe feeling guilty? The fact is you are pregnant and yes, it will change everything. With summer holiday being here can you employ some casual summer-holidaying students just to give you and your DH time to catch your breath?

And it may seem impossible to delegate but I think you're going to have to. All this is not good for you and not good for the baby.

You have my respect though, anyone who is running their own hotel is already doing serious hard work. Never mind it being your own business AND having a baby on the way.

Sorry SenoraPostrophe I meant no offence I just meant more that there are more fun things to do (pregnant or not) to relax and have fun!

I also think life's what you make it and I for one realised after the baby arrives some things are not possible immediatly. I just urge others to enjoy the time as much as they can.

Obviously I did enjoy my pregnancy and have not known anyone who hasn't.

Gemy: sadly, no chance! We've just had to let our two live-in staff go as we can't afford them. Not many students locally anyway, as the nearest college is 15 miles away, and the nearest Uni more like 40.

I understand that one needs to delegate, but there's only so many hours we can afford to pay staff and still be able to pay our bills. Nice in theory, yes, but not in practise.

Yes and it is easy for me to say. My mum and dad ran a hotel a few years back and had students working for them in the summer but, yes they were near a uni.

I really do feel for you. I bet you and your DH are often thinking up ways of it all working when the baby arrives (selling up/turning hotel into luxary flats and selling them off/DH going back to employed work and employing a cheaply paid management couple/trying to manage!)

How about getting one of those trainee managers (think they're usually doing a hotel course and have a year of work experience "on the job" as it were) I don't think you have to pay them lots and they are usually very eager!

I'm sure you'll have thought of all this though. At least when the baby arrives it will be low season?

You know what? People say "oh you'll manage" and I always used to think yeah right, but amazingly, you will

You said it! Selling up is the option we're looking at most seriously, although we'll lose about 1/3 of our capital (more than £200K ) if we do. It's too small to work as anything other than a family hotel, which of course is why we bought it in the first place.

Sigh.

Best laid plans and all that!

Wow that is a lot of money . But I'd take having children than my own business any day. One door closes and another one opens.....

Well good luck with the sale, with your pregnancy and with everything [hugs]

Gemyx

Yes, the old chestnut definitely applies when self-employed:

Q: How do I stand for a loan?
A: You don't. You kneel.

I do understand. My parents had their own business whilst I was growing up and there were times when they asked for a loan and never got it.

You and your DH sound like pragmatic business people; with the money from the sale you could always buy a house with some rental cottages etc? Lots less work for you, but still good earning potential....it's something we've actually looked at but sadly, we don't have enough money - sounds like maybe you have [maybe if not something in the south east, there's always scotland/wales - good investment areas and lovely places to bring up yout LO]

We'll be lucky to get £400K after this place sells, TBH, and a guaranteed-income guesthouse is closer to £1000K, so we're doing some serious pencil-chewing, spreadsheet-wrestling, and stressing all at the same time.

We're in the Borders, which is a lovely part of the country for holidays, but a long way from work of any kind other than tourism.

I know having children changes your priorities, and that's why we're rethinking ours. Working 18h days for a potential return in 10 years time was all very well when there were just two of us, but isn't really viable when there's a little one in the equation. We're both used to doing without in terms of money, so it's not that which worries us. It's more that we both want to see this LO grow up, and that's not possible with the work level necessary here.

Not making much sense, I'm afraid. Sorry.

Put simply: I want to be excited and anticipating the arrival of our child, and I don't, and although I can see why I'm stressed, I had hoped that this pregnancy would be a happy thing rather than the way I'm feeling.

The borders is really lovely! My husband and I are moving to Scotland shortly, though because he's based mostly in Glasgow, we're looking at Stirlingshire and Perthshire. When we were up there, we visited quite a few places in the Borders E.G Melrose and the surrounding areas and it is really stunning up there (and desirable!)

I'm sure they'll be something perfect out there for you - bull by the horns and all that!

Perhaps you need to let yourself get excited? To sit and daydream without all these others things interupting you. Get out your pregnancy books and look at pictures of how your baby is growing - are you feeling him/her move yet? Certainly don't beat yourself up though, sounds to me like you're doing a stellar job.

My position has simularities to yours. We have a lovely big house in the south east and we both have really good jobs. But, I have 1 baby and I was stil able to work. With baby number 2 coming along, work is no longer an option, and neither is the mortage on our lovely house. So, we are upping sticks and moving to Scotland, where my husband has been offered a promotion within the company he already works for. It is not a decision we've taken lightly. I am very stressed with what the future holds and have had thoughts that I've ruined everything by getting pregnant again. I kind of want things to stay the same but I know they can't. It's the same for you - don't get stuck on the past or present. The plans you had before - make new better ones.

I think you're being hard on yourself thelady! Lots of people don't get excited about or enjoy being pregnant - like MI, I was in denial right up until dd was born . I didn't even know how to put on a nappy (!).

If you can fit live-in staff, an au pair may be useful in the long run, especially if you are actually around during the day (and it's the most cost effective form of child care really - I don't think you'd want them to have sole charge of a baby though).

It sounds like you can't get excited because you're worried about how much the baby will change your plans - maybe once you and your husband have made a decision about what you are going to do, you'll find that you'll relax a bit more.

Hi lady

I think you need to realize and believe that
IT WILL ALL WORK OUT.

I think you are probably worrying a little too much and just believing all the old wives tales aka "Your lives will change forever"
"children cost alot of money" etc, etc. I have one ds 2 and one on the way and remember feeling aprehensive and scared of the future, but it hasn't been like that. i've actually started up a B&B since ds was born. DH has stated his own business and things are going fine, I don't find ds expensive (yet)I bought second hand stuff and was given loads of gifts and clothes when ds was born (which i didn't expect) people go crazy though and i only have very very small family

Anyway it will work out, don't worry you will get more excited as the pg goes on and can do shopping till then. Sounds like maybe you should simplify current business for a while, when LO is born- can you afford to rent less rooms, not do food, or get in a part time housekeeper, surely there is a local mum that will work 9-3 or something for not to much money.

all so newborns sleep alot (16/24 hours)so you get a gradual transition to them needing lots of your time

good luck