Need advice please.

[Tinz862]

I cannot believe I am even writing this to be honest with you all.
Found out this week I am pregnant (4/5 weeks) we had been trying since the new year. I have spent most of my adult life on the pill or the implant so didn’t really know what my chances were like or how long it would infact take us. He has a child from a previous relationship who he gets to see constantly. This conversation had been discussed in great depth on multiple occasions.
When I found out this week I got so excited thinking our little miracle happened. I took two tests on separate days just to check and double check.
I sat him down last night and showed him the results thinking it’ll be somewhat shock yes but he’ll be happy we finally saw a result.... he walked out and said he doesn’t know what to say or think.
How can this be a shock? He is now saying he’s going to end his life as he thought he wanted more kids but now that it’s happened he doesn’t. It’s made him feel that he doesn’t want to live. I have said I’m sorry if that’s how he feels. I will go on ahead and he doesn’t have to have any involvement at all and I will just get on with things. I thought we were together but I now see we weren’t.
He just keeps messaging me saying he’s going to end things today and he’s going to let everyone know exactly why he’s did it. Like I’ve done something horrible! This was discussed and both knew what we were doing but now that it’s reality it’s a different story.
I have blocked all access to contact me at the moment as I feel I don’t want to deal with that sort of manipulation and hatred and the stress isn’t good for me.
I don’t want to get myself worked up and upset but it’s difficult. Something I thought would be a wonderful and an exciting journey had turned into a horrible few hours.

Really trying not to get worked up is proving difficult but I hope this thread helps me.

I'm so sorry, this sounds awful. It sounds like a strange reaction to something he knew was happening? Is there more to it or something else he's not telling you?
Either way, you need to look after yourself now and think about how you are going to handle things without him so that you have a plan in place. He's made it quite clear where he stands.
Do you live together?

Firstly, I am really sorry you are going through this. Secondly has anything changed recently? Did he seem like he is unhappy in the relationship or interested in anybody else?

He does sound very irresponsible and manipulative. Does he have any kind of condition though where he finds change particularly difficult? ADD? ASD? Some people react like this to anything out of the ordinary even holidays ECT. They like the thought of it but the reality sends them into complete meltdown. That isn't to say they don't enjoy the new experience when everything settles.

I think you are doing the best thing right now. Don't get drawn into the manipulation. Prepare yourself for whatever situation as best as possible. Try and also focus on the positives of your life. Don't let the situation override everything else that is good x

Does he have any family that you can contact? He seems to need some help. His reaction is odd, though I don’t know why you think he would be shocked as you were actively trying. Is there more to it?

Thank you @Whatwillhappentomorrow @TinyMarie @pipandmum for your kind responses.
Nothing has changed from what I know of. We had a discussion about it all last week. So when I noticed AF was a couple of days behind schedule I took a test and was so happy. I thought he would have been too.
Yes we live together but he went to his parents last night and I doubt I’ll see him over the next few days and to be frank I don’t want to see him is that is his attitude.
I just meant more as in shock it finally caught on. As when I was supposed to be ovulating (according to apps) tests say I wasn’t and may was the month we were more laid back and enjoyed ourselves to be frank so I wasn’t really tracking. The discussion at the weekend was to be more on the ball and track my ovulating period twice a day etc.
He has since got in touch saying that he’s not saying he isn’t ready now and if I can tell pregnant then there’s a chance again in future.
I am not comfortable leaving a maybe future in someone’s hands like that.
I don’t understand his behaviour and that’s what is more upsetting.
I want to concentrate on the good in this and make sure I am happy and healthy and no glitches

That’s really odd.

I hate to say it but my mind has gone straight to the possibility that something major has changed since you started TTC and he’s just been quietly and selfishly hoping you didn’t fall pregnant while not wanting to rock the boat by telling you. Like he’s met someone else or had decided he didn’t want kids, or knew deep down he didn’t but was trying to persuade himself he did and now it’s happened he’s horrified.

So awful for you. I’m guessing there was no ambiguity about trying? He was 100% enthusiastically onboard?

@EmeraldRubyShark very much so. To the point it was him putting pressure on me from this time last year. I was honest and wanted to wait awhile longer with new job etc basically life.
I’ve been getting the whole I love you and want to be with you but I want it just me and you. It’s not saying it’s never.
Jekyll and Hyde comes to mind.

What is he like in other situations that require change? Was he ok when you moved in together? When he has started a new job? Is he easily anxious? Not that it is any excuse to treat you in this way.

I really hope he realises what an idiot he has been. Although I know it won't change anything and it still leaves you worrying about his responses in the future.

Hopefully, as difficult as this is in time you can work through it together. Nobody is perfect. If not then I am sure you can create a happy albeit new version of your future x

@whatwillhappentomorrow He can over react at first and usually there’s a chat and things calm down. I really don’t want to depend on that type of behaviour especially at times like now.
I’ve made my feelings clear that this is happening. If he doesn’t want involved then ok fine. I’m not giving into the whole speech from before. It’s unfair.
Thank you so much for your replies. It honestly means so much. At a time I don’t want to breathe a word of this incase it jinxes the situation.

I guess that is the thing. Nobody is perfect but is that kind of response for anything in the future, let alone right now a deal breaker?

You may get past this situation but there will be similar ones. Is that something you can live with forever? Will the resentment get the better of you? Or on balance is there a lot of good to outweigh this horrible kind of behaviour?

Good luck. I hope whatever happens with you both you have a happy, healthy baby.