Help me deal with my mum better in pregnancy/birth

[SinkTerranium]

I’m pregnant with number two. We haven’t told anyone yet. In the first pregnancy, my mum was lovely but hard work. Constant ringing and texting every day in the few weeks before due date, and then turning up unannounced at the hospital very soon after birth.

I specifically told her not to come to the hospital until I’d said it was okay, and as soon as DC was born, DH asked if he should invite her in. With a panicked look I said ‘no no no’ and the midwife said ‘don’t worry she’s not allowed in anyway’ (CLU)

Next thing I know, DH has gone with DC to neonatal and in walks the midwife with my mum, saying she found her ‘wandering the halls’. She sat there for ages while I was cleaned up/examined etc and I felt so uncomfortable, vulnerable and annoyed.

How can I manage it this time? I’m tempted to lie about my due date but feel like it might be tricky lying about appointments at certain weeks. Maybe I could just be vague and say we aren’t telling specific date?

And then maybe I could get away with not telling her I’m in labour/given birth until we’re home and ready for visitors?

Honestly, MIL was so lovely, waited a day or so to come, arrived with lots of food and then left again when it was time for a feed so I could get on with feeding in peace.

Can I write in my birth plan ‘do not allow any visitors’? Although I feel like this won’t be listened too, the midwife brought her in without checking last time!

I don’t want to upset her because she has the best intentions, but I really want to enjoy this time with just DH (or be resting!)

I've not told anyone Due date, just said the month. Just say to her 'I'm not telling you anything as you turned up last time and you know that upset me'.

Op - you are the one giving birth, not your mother. Your birth, your rules.

Make sure it is clear in your notes no visitors (including your mother).
Brief DH so he is not ram roaded by DM this time either.

Do not share on any social media when you go into labour.

Good luck.

You can for sure say the due date is a week later or even just a few days and there is no reason for you to tell her when you're in labour .
Just wait until your ready for visitors wether that's at hospital or at home

I would definitely not tell her or perhaps anyone when you’re in labour. You can let her know that baby has arrived just before you go home or when you’re ready in hospital for visitors. If I’m honest when I knew that both my best friend and sister were in labour I was so anxious waiting for news I think I’d have preferred not to know.
Hopefully she may have calmed down a bit this time around.

Last time I went into labour at 4am and didn’t tell her until 9pm, and that was only because it was dragging on so long and we thought she’d suspect (not really sure why but I don’t think we were thinking straight!) - she had been texting that day and I just kept replying in between contractions saying I was fine

We will have to let someone know when I’m in labour so they can come and look after DC, but PIL are very discreet so they will be on call I think. (They knew I was in labour early on as FIL is DH’s boss and he had to tell him he wasn’t going to work! They kept it quiet until we said it was common knowledge)

I’m hoping this birth will be quicker and we’ll be home quicker.

Part of me did wonder if we should get her to look after DC and then she won’t be able to come to hospital! But I wouldn’t put it past her to just come with DC.

Give a false date a few weeks after actual date.
Start to not respond to some of her texts and messages now so basically reduce contact so she's used to it. Tell her you're reducing your phone usage or doing a digital detox so not to be alarmed when she doesn't hear from you or if you don't reply to messages
Don't tell anyone baby is born till you are ready for visiting, they don't need to know!
Try to avoid discussingthe pregnancy with her
Tell her a different hospital to the one that you will be in. 'oh ill be giving birth at St Thomas hospital this time, there's been a change'

glad to know I'm not the only one with overbearing woman in my family! 🤣 when we was in labour with our 1st child my mum and sister were calling my husband constantly for updates....think he put his phone on silence when I was actually giving birth and then after the birth had a midwife say my sister was calling the hospital for information and they told her they couldn't tell her anything and my sis was abrupt on the phone! skip forward to 3rd labour and my parents were babysitting our other 2 dc (1 was at school until 3pm and the other was in nursery until lunchtime) got a call straight after I had given birth from my mum at around 4:30pm/5ish asking for my husband to hurry up back as.....they are knackered! lol I can laugh at it now but tbh at the time I was livid!
The only way to go I think is to tell your mum when you've gone into labour and tell her not to come up to hospital as you would prefer time to adjust and want your other child to be the 1st visitor to meet and bond with new sibling.....and then she will be next! (if your mum's anything like mine then she probably wants to meet new grandchild before your in-laws which is why she rushed up like a nutter last time)? lol good luck x

She was the same with my sister, as soon as she heard she was in labour both times she drove to the hospital and sat in the car park. I think I might just have to be overly abrupt with her. Last time I said ‘It’s going to be really overwhelming for DH so I want it to just be the two of us when baby is first born’ - she probably thought ‘I’ll give them 5 minutes’! Maybe this time I will also say to midwife when we first arrive at the hospital that under no circumstances is she allowed in the room. I’m almost tempted to ask the neighbour to have DC during labour so then no-one needs to know

I think you should either not let on you're in labour or be very blunt, you aren't being horrible just direct. I'd say "Please respect my wishes and let us have baby and get settled before you visit. Everyone else respected that last time but you and its making me really anxious thinking it'll happen again. I appreciate your support and I love you for being so caring but please promise me you will listen as I really dont want to have to tell the hospital to send you away. "
Or you could say in a jokey but not entirely joking way " sorry mum but I can't tell you my due date as I can't trust you not to show up after last time. Joking aside, It is really important to me that dh and I get chance to be with baby, just us, before we introduce him so please don't make me tell the hospital they aren't to let you in. " xx

Definitely tell her a false date. I would say by a full month. Don’t tell her you are in labour. If she keeps texts you then be directly and say it is stressing you out and she needs to stop. If she doesn’t then tell her you will stop reading and replying to any of her messages unless she stops and if she continues then ignore her.

Well surely just do t tell her you're in labour. The solution is obvious.