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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Help advice needed

24 replies

JaneL2019 · 25/05/2019 10:06

Hi all so I'm looking for some advice, very long story short. Myself and my partner were not looking to have kids, but due to my family finding out about fertility problems I got myself tested. I was told last November that even tho I'm only 30 I have the ovarian reserve of a 46 year old. Meaning that there was a less than 1 / 100 chance for me to get pregnant. They would not even offer me ivf my changes were too low. Now that we knew where we stood we left it at that. If we would like children later in life there are other options.
To my great shock I found out yesterday I was pregnant! We're not ready for kids, my partner doesn't really want them at all (although he has said he would support me either way). And we have been saving for our Holiday of a lifetime to Mexico in November which we would not be able to go to if I keep the baby. We have been through alot to get this amazing holiday and knowing it was coming had got us through some bad times. We may now have to say goodbye to it :(
I don't think I could bring myself to not have this literally miracle baby. Any helpful thoughts?

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RedPandaFluff · 25/05/2019 10:24

Hi @JaneL2019 - for me it would be a no-brainer; I'd keep the baby. But that's after 4 difficult donor-egg IVF cycles and many years of stress and heartbreak.

But your circumstance is different to mine so you have to go with your gut feeling and do what's right for you.

How would you feel if you ended this pregnancy, and then in a few years time when you're ready for a family, you weren't able to conceive?

Original poster

JaneL2019 · 25/05/2019 10:28

Hi, that is my concern exactly, what if this was my 1 chance. It is 1/100 , it's just completely unexpected and has tail spun everything.
We're just not in the baby place tho :/

OP posts:

Original poster

JaneL2019 · 25/05/2019 10:30

Sorry to hear about your difficulties also, one of my sister's gas gone through that so I know how tough it can be . Your stronger lady than me, I don't think I could do that. All the best wishes for you in your journey :)

OP posts:

RedPandaFluff · 25/05/2019 11:34

Thank you @JaneL2019 - I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant so I'm hoping this is it!

I think, even if you end the pregnancy now, in later years if you want to be a mum you will find a way, whether it's through donor egg IVF, adoption, whatever. This isn't your only chance. It might be a very rare chance for you to have a baby that is genetically yours and your partners, but someone told me that if you truly want to be a mother, it will happen in some way. Maybe not the way you plan or expect, but it will happen, and I think I believe that.

Have you considered asking for counselling? It might help you organise your thoughts a little?

Original poster

JaneL2019 · 25/05/2019 11:37

Oh congratulations, :) good luck with your little one.
Yeah that's sounds like good advice, I am going to book something after bank holiday. The news of this pregnancy is not even 24 hrs yet so very much still in shock.

OP posts:

cindersrella · 25/05/2019 11:44

It would be a no brainer for me too..

With 1/100 chance I wouldn't be able to not have the baby.. I am assuming you are both possibly in shock and resided yourselves into it never happening..

why would you have to cancel your holiday to Mexico?

You would be around 6 months pregnant when you go...

I think it's a lot of thinking to go into this decision as I think you would deeply regret things if you didn't continue with it

Original poster

JaneL2019 · 25/05/2019 12:00

Yes your right, igad come to terms with not having children so I still can't quite believe it.
I calculated I'd be in the later of 12 month so wasn't sure if they would let me fly. Iv also heard Mexico isn't safe for pregnancy because of the Zika virus.

OP posts:

Eliza9919 · 25/05/2019 19:51

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Wildorchidz · 25/05/2019 19:59

I actually cannot believe that you would consider terminating a pregnancy so that you can go on a holiday...

Original poster

JaneL2019 · 25/05/2019 20:03

It's not about just going on holiday, I know that can be rearranged. As I said myself n my partner have been through alot to get it, financially and emotionally. My partner is recovering from depression and the holiday was his end goal, now I'm taking that away. I appreciate why you would assume it was just about a holiday but it's more than that.

OP posts:

RedPandaFluff · 25/05/2019 21:37

Why on Earth are you telling me to fuck off, @Eliza9919? Someone said that to me when I was going through years of infertility and I found it to be comforting and true for me. If you don't agree that's fine, but have some respect.

There's not just one way to be a mother - having your own biological children isn't where motherhood begins and ends. I will never have my own genetic children but it doesn't mean I'm not a mother. I think YOURS is the truly ignorant opinion here.

Eliza9919 · 25/05/2019 21:49

Because that sentiment must be the single most offensive thing I've ever read on this site.

RedPandaFluff · 25/05/2019 21:55

You think that my saying that ending this pregnancy does not automatically mean that the OP will never be a mother is offensive? Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not a believer in "if you want something badly enough it will magically happen" either, so I concede that perhaps I phrased it badly and for that I apologise.

All I meant was, this is not the OP's ONLY chance to be a mother. That's all.

Telling someone to fuck off . . . well, that's pretty offensive.

PowerslidePanda · 25/05/2019 21:57

There's no perfect time to have a baby, but given your circumstances especially, I imagine there's much more chance that you'd regret not having this baby, than you'd regret having it.

Can you look into other holiday options - i.e. somewhere not affected by Zika and maybe a couple of months earlier? That way, everything you've put into it will still pay off - your partner will still have it to look forward to, etc?

DinoMamasaurus · 25/05/2019 22:13

Gosh having been given such bleak odds it’s totally understandable that this has come as a shock. You do have options and you should take some time and give yourself the space to do as much thinking and talking as you need before you decide.

For me it’s a heart and head decision and I would give extra weight to the heart’s vote as usually the practicalities we worry about can be overcome. As previous posters have said there’s probably always a reason to say the timing of having a baby isn’t totally ideal. It’s a plunge into the unknown for all first time parents (even if they have prepped and planned for all they are worth).

Look at the viability of changing the holiday - you may be able to rebook to a non Zika country that will be just as wonderful and maybe shift the dates a bit too. Someone I know had to reorganise their honeymoon for this very reason and it worked out well. I think maybe even if you didn’t go ahead with the pregnancy (for whatever reasons) the shine might have been somewhat taken off the Mexico trip from going through all this? Fundamentally if you can’t really enjoy it then your partner isn’t going to either.

Scarletrose18 · 25/05/2019 22:17

I dont normally comment on posts but this just made me feel so sad to read.
Im not sure if this is going to be what you want to hear but that little baby is alive and a human being already, you are right, its is a miracle and it will be the absolute best thing to ever happen to you.

Also imo 30 is a great age to become a mum and as for your dp not doing great lately, I can honestly tell you that my dh and I are happier now than we have ever been since having our ds (and we did Cancun for our honeymoon🙂) and as cheesy as it sounds I feel like life is more fulfilling now.

And I agree with previous ppl that you could research about still going or even see if you could change dates of the holiday.

RedPandaFluff · 25/05/2019 22:19

@JaneL2019 I might be grasping at straws here but do you have holiday insurance? You might be covered if Mexico is excluded for Zika/medical reasons (sorry for repeating, if someone else has said this already!)

EnjoyItAll · 25/05/2019 22:20

Ultimately it’s your decision what happens so don’t let anyone sway you. It’s still early days since you found out so have lots of open and honest conversations with your partner about what you want. It must be a huge shock to both of you so take your time. If you decide to keep the baby you can look at moving your holiday to another destination that is zika free if you can.

mistermagpie · 25/05/2019 22:37

It's really early days so you have time to think. What I would say is that this is a really pivotal decision for you (more so than others who gave an unexpected pregnancy due to your medical history) so don't rush into making a choice straight away. Get counselling and make sure you are really clear on the decision you are making.

It's really hard but I would have to think about how I would feel if I ended the pregnancy and then in five or ten years it was the 'right time' and it didn't work out. I'm not sure a couple of weeks in Mexico would really matter to me then. But that's me and you have perfectly valid reasons for considering not having the baby.

PBobs · 25/05/2019 22:44

Ouch. Tough one. I get it's not about the holiday. That's almost just a symbol of where you and your partner are at in life right now. I'm not sure what to suggest except you have time to think about this so take your time. Keep talking about it with your partner.

And for the record, the baby is not alive. Scientifically speaking it's not actually a baby. I just have to say that. I get so fed up of people using emotive language to push their ideas on others.

Ginger1982 · 25/05/2019 22:46

I would have the baby, but then I desperately wanted kids, had DS after ICSI and am on my last chance for a sibling. If you think there would be a better time, even with your odds, and you could live quite happily never having kids if it didn't happen in the future, then do what you think is best.

Wildorchidz · 25/05/2019 23:16

And for the record, the baby is not alive. Scientifically speaking it's not actually a baby. I just have to say that
Would you say that to someone who has miscarried ?

physicskate · 26/05/2019 06:32

I think this is the danger of 'fertility testing' by running a couple of blood tests and maybe an ultrasound. A few simple tests to determine whether you can have kids or not are rarely indicative of the whole story. Having a low Amh, or high fsh doesn't always mean you can't get pregnant. And it means many women find themselves in the exact position you're in.

Unless you've been through menopause or have had both tubes removed or ovaries or many thousands of pounds of invasive tests and surgeries that have found a cause of infertility, low egg reserve does not mean it's not possible to get pregnant. It means you'd be unlikely to respond well to ivf. But if you ovulate and have chromosomally normal eggs (which can't be tested for), then you can get pregnant. Gah it infuriates me when the science isn't properly explained and these so-called 'fertility mots' really wind me up, clearly!

And it infuriates me at how many women with pcos are told no kids (or maybe that's just what they hear), when actually they MAY struggle or they might not...

But I digress. If you think you might regret not having this embryo, keep it. If you don't want this child, terminate.

PBobs · 26/05/2019 06:56

The OP hasn't miscarried. They are discussing their options and clearly not going through with the pregnancy is something they are considering. The poster who called the baby alive was not talking about miscarriage. Please don't take people's posts out of context. For the record I wouldn't say it to someone no because that's cruel. I would think it though as I thought it about my own pregnancy in the early stages. We're not talking about third or even second trimester here.

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