Miscarriage *Trigger warning*

[MaryLouWho]

Hi,

I would have been 8 weeks pregnant tomorrow and started to miscarrying on Sunday. I'm still miscarrying now, although the painful cramps have now subsided, I just have this weird feeling really low down. I had a scan on Monday and the baby was measuring 5 weeks 6 days, so over a week smaller than it should have been. I held onto hope, but the bleeding and cramping intensified. I made an appointment with the EPU for yesterday and they confirmed that most of the pregnancy had passed at this point. I had a blood test and have to go back for another tomorrow to rule out an ectopic, although they said this is very unlikely.

This was my first ever pregnancy and I wondered if any of you who had suffered miscarriages could advise me on the following questions? I know everyone is different of course, but I feel completely grief-stricken and feel I need to know there is some light at the end of what feels like an incredibly dark and long tunnel.

How long did you feel debilitatingly sad for?
When could you function as normal again?
Did you go on to have a healthy pregnancy? How long did you wait?

Thank you for your help x

Hi op. I am so sorry for your loss.

I was completely heartbroken when I lost my first baby. I knew about miscarriages in fact a close friend had had one so I knew there was a chance but I just took the pregnancy for granted and completely thought I would get the baby at the end.

I felt very low and tearful for a good few weeks. I think I ended up having about six weeks off work simply because I was so upset (and mine was a complicated missed miscarriage so was physically drawn out too). The good news is, you are super fertile following miscarriage and i was pregnant again 6 wks later.

I won't go into detail because I am not the norm and lost two more pregnancies under different circumstances but 4 years and 4 pregnancies later my baby girl is laid sleeping in her moses basket as I type. She was worth all the heartbreak I can assure you. All my losses were 'just bad luck', didn't do anything different to get my gorgeous girl.

Im so sorry but I'm proof there is light at the end of that sad sad tunnel x

Thank you Rarfy, I'm so sorry for your losses. It is comforting to know you did go on to have your baby girl.

I'm glad there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know any women who have had a miscarriage so it's really helpful to hear from someone who understands the pain. I didn't know it would hurt this much, like you I just assumed everything would be ok. I can't imagine the fear I will now feel if I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again, but I really hope I am able to go on and have a baby as I feel so empty.

Thank you for taking the time to reply x

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. It is heartbreaking.
I had a miscarriage end of March. I was meant to be 11+4 but it had stopped growing at 6 weeks. It was one of the most awful things I have been through.
I’m always looking for the positive in anything like this. I hope my words can bring something for you.
I was off work for 3 weeks in all. It felt good to get back to some normality.
I was obviously heartbroken but I worked through it with my husband..... we spoke a lot and it really helped me.

Some people feel guilty like they must have done something.... it is no ones fault. It just wasn’t meant to be this time. I’m fairly healthy. Don’t drink, don’t smoke, get regular exercise (walking). The point is don’t go down that path. I could have said ok, I’m a bit overweight.... but then there are people who are very big out there that have baby’s. I decided not to go down this route of attaching blame and guilt.

The way I saw it was this..... I had fallen pregnant the first time after we started trying. Many miscarriages happen because there is something wrong with the foetus....... probably chromosomal. I can try again.

I think it would have been a lot harder emotionally if we had been trying for years and this happened or if I had been a lot further on and it was stillbirth.

So, from an emotional point of view by the time I went back to work I was doing pretty good. I gave my time to grieve. I think I just said to myself.... ok whilst I’m off work this is my time to reflect and grieve and get it all out.

I know not everyone can do this. But this was the best way for me get through it.

I was told to wait until 2 weeks after I stopped bleeding as this minimises infection risk. I actually waited for my first period after miscarriage ( which was 5 weeks later) so we have been trying since May 2nd.

Hope this helps somewhat xx

There is a good resource online about miscarriage statistics I found looking at that regularly helped give me hope.

Sorry for your loss.

I have a slightly different experience to share. I have a healthy little boy who is now 4. Fell pregnant in july last year and had a spontaneous, very straightforward miscarriage at about 6-7 weeks pregnant. The pregnancy hadn't developed much at all. I was upset initially, but I'm very pragmatic about it all. It was obvious that the pregnancy was never viable, and I'm very medically minded so was aware of how common it is. I was ok pretty quickly really. The only thing I did find was that I cried at all sorts of random crap for about 5/6 weeks, and I'm not usually a crier. Clearly hormones as it stopped abruptly as soon as I had my first period. I guess my point is that it's not always traumatic. I'm sure I'd have felt differently if I'd been trying for ages or had different circumstances though. Anyway, I had one period then fell pregnant again. I'm currently 35 weeks and my little boy is absolutely kicking the crap out of my insides! Good luck!

Thank you confused, that helps as I need to try to find the positives. We needed support from a fertility clinic so this was an IUI baby, but it worked on the first try which was very lucky. So we can try again. Just so sad, but literally had about an hour of sleep last night so currently just feel numb. It was only confirmed yesterday so I guess I need to be realistic that I will feel a bit rubbish initially.

Thank you for taking the time to post and sorry for your loss.

Thank you coastergirl, it's good to hear different view points as I have no idea how I will feel after the initial shock and grief begins to diminish. A pragmatic approach does make sense, focusing on the facts and the positives is probably more helpful than punishing myself with thoughts of what could have been.

Sorry for your loss but huge congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thank you for taking the time to post.

I had a mmc last year - discovered at my 12 week scan but baby had stopped developing at 9.4.

I was devastated. I was literally shaking with grief and guilt. To this day if i think about the actual mc i tear up. But that initial overwhelming grief didn’t last long - i suppose the human psych can’t sustain that level of sadness indefinitely. It fades, like all grief does and time heals. I hope you feel better soon.

Sorry to hear about your loss. I had DS already when I fell pregnant a second time. After early bleeding and a visit to EPU I was advised everything was fine, but I was not as far along as I thought, I returned a week later for a follow up, given new dates.

MMC diagnosed at 13 week scan. I went ahead with surgical management, as dates indicated more than 2 weeks with no growth.

Fell pregnant within 3 months. That “baby” is now 12

I miscarried my first pregnancy at 11 weeks , after about 5 years of ttc and it was desperately sad, i then went onto have 3 non eventuful pregnancies in 5 years and have 3 lovely dc

Im so sorry for your loss OP, its completely normal to feel emotional you will be okay eventually

So sorry for your loss

I had a dd, then a MMC then a chemical pregnancy then ds

MMC was a shock at 12 week scan. I have never seen DH crumple like that before or since - it's really hard for them
Too

I tried to wait until I mc naturally but it didn't happen over a 3 week wait so I needed a D&C. During the wait I worked. I worked and worked my ass off including flying to head office - just had to keep my mind off it. The D&C was hard but I felt a kind of relief when over that we could try again

Telling people was hard and falling pregnant again was full of worry, but very normal

Everyone reacts differently
What you feel is not necessarily right or wrong, it just is. Be kind to yourself and each other

Hello lovely, I am so so sorry for your loss. I have been there, and I was actually surprised at just how upset I was.

Please do allow yourself to be sad - it’s a huge loss, and the grief is very real. Take some time off work - any GP worth their salts will sign you off no question. I found after the bleeding had stopped, it took me about 2 weeks to feel a bit ‘normal’ again and I tried to get myself back to doing things I know would make me feel good - I went running again, arranged a meal with my best friends, booked a weekend away with DH, etc. Self care is important even if it’s just a nice bath and a good book - really do take care of yourself.

There is no reason why you can’t go on to have a healthy pregnancy - I was like you and felt so isolated at first but quickly discovered I have several friends who had miscarried, and of course upon finding Mumsnet I found even more info.

It feels horrible now, and that’s normal. But it will get better. Look after yourself xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there 2.5 years ago when I had a MMC which was discovered at 11 weeks. Baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks. I truly have not experienced anything this awful and it felt like the end of the world at the time. I took two weeks off work whilst waiting for D&C and returned to work 3 days after the operation. This was right before Christmas when we had planned to share the news with our families. It actually was a blessing to have time off at Christmas and just spend time with DH. Like others have said, self care is very important at this time so be kind to yourself, take long walks and do things you enjoy. I found myself bursting into tears for next six months or so but slowly the grief has changed shape. I bought myself a necklace to remember this baby by and I still wear it today. Since then, unfortunately nothing happened and we started fertility investigations to find out that we needed IVF. My ability to get pregnant was seen as a huge benefit by our consultant and she said this is a proof that my body works as it should. This was a huge relief to me as over the years I began wondering if there was something wrong with me but I’ve accepted that I could have done nothing and for some unknown reason, it wasn’t meant to be at the time. I’m now nearing 20 weeks from our first ivf round.

When I confided in people, so many women told their own stories and it made me realise how very common miscarriage is. It doesn’t make it any better but the fact that you have gotten pregnant is hugely positive. Look after yourself, surround yourself with supportive people and take your time to recover x

Thank you Rubaiyatofanyone. I'm sorry for your loss, I hope this intense sadness doesn't last too long, I'm just overwhelmed with grief and I never knew it was like this x

Hi AuditAngel, I'm so sorry for your loss. How awful to believe all might be ok and then to find out it isn't. It's reassuring to know you went on to have your daughter. Thank you for taking the time to share your story x

AuditAngel - not sure why I said daughter sorry, but reassured you went on to have your child x

Thank you Melissasummerfield, I'm so pleased you went on to have your children, I'm sorry for your loss. It must be very hard after trying for so long, at least this was our first try. Thank you for taking the time to respond x

Thank you for sharing your experience Jackstini, I'm sorry for your loss but so pleased you went on to conceive.
You are right, everyone deals with it differently and I'm sure in time I will come to terms with what has happened thank you for taking the time to post x

Thank you MrsEG. I'm a teacher and I had the whole of this week off as the bleeding started on Sunday and I just couldn't cope with the unknown after Monday's scan showed the baby was over a week behind in growth, plus the increase in bleeding, plus cramping. It's half-term next week and I'm hoping to be back to school for the following week. I am an English teacher and an assistant head so feel I need to be there, especially as it's exam season. I'm hoping I'll feel stronger in another week, but really have no idea. The evenings and night time seem to be the worst, I can't sleep and can't stop thinking/crying.
Your advice about doing things to make me feel better is really helpful, I thought when the cramping stops I might try some yoga.
I'm so sorry for your loss, thank you so much for taking the time to respond x

Please please please look after yourself, my MC was 4 years ago and I rushed back into things and didn't deal with anything. I ended up quite unwell. Eventually confided in my GP and was able to access counselling. I only took a week of work because another GP wouldn't sign me off.
It's such an awful time, if I think about it I still get a bit upset but I'm not paralysed by it like I was at the start.
I am now 13 weeks with my second pregnancy, it took me a long time to feel able to try again and I was/am very apprehensive this time.

Thank you Bumblebee25 for taking the time to post and share your story. I'm so sorry for your loss it's funny you mention the necklace as I've ordered the mini Tiffany bean necklace today as we referred to the baby as our little bean and I thought it is a way to keep them with me every day.
Huge congratulations on your pregnancy! We will meet with a consultant at our fertility clinic and see if we need to carry on with IUI or go to IVF. I'd imagine we will try IUI again and see what happens, it's very scary to think it could happen again.
I never expected to feel grief like this but it's reassuring to know that in time I will be ok x

Hi smartcarnotsosmartdriver, thank you for taking the time to post. How horrible that your GP wouldn't sign you off, that must have been very difficult. Congratulations on your pregnancy, that's wonderful news.
I will see how I go, our fertility clinic does offer counselling so I might look into that. I'm hoping throwing myself into work might distract me, but ultimately I know it's just going to take time and there is no quick fix. I wish I could just pop a pill and feel like me again, but I know I have to go through it x