Unsupportive partner

[Marty93]

Hi all.
I really don't want to come across like I'm bashing my OH here... and I think most of my feelings are just crazy hormones.... but I am 7 weeks tomorrow and today I have had to have a day off sick as I just feel so horrendous with morning sickness and nausea (this is the first day I've felt too unwell to go to work).

OH seemed concerned at first via text (he works from 6am-4pm so leaves me asleep in bed every weekday), and then has just sent me a text to say "whilst you're off, the living room needs hoovering and there is some ironing"..... I just feel like he has no idea how awful I feel and I feel like he thinks I'm just playing up to get a day off work.

He has openly said he isn't looking forward to when baby is born because I'll be a mess... I just feel like all of a sudden he has just turned into a complete arse-hole with regards to this pregnancy. He is hardly ever affectionate and has nothing nice to say about the pregnancy. I know it's early days but when I tell him "oh my app says the baby is the size of a pea this week!" He just looks at me with this blank expression and it's almost like I am talking in another language.

Anyone else's OH behaving similar or am I just on my own here ? I feel so emotional and sad that he isn't more excited. We have always talked about having children and it's been topic of conversation for months and months.

I love the socks off him but my god, I just feel so frustrated and alone right now....

What I have to say isn’t advice, but he sounds a bit of a dick to be honest. I hope you feel better soon

@StarringRole thanks, I hope so too!
It's so strange as he has also said he looks forward to the scans etc. I sometimes think I'm just being over emotional and I think I'm just wallowing in self pity today because I feel so dreadful. Woe is me, eh?!

Regarding not being excited about it being a pea etc.... My husband definitely wants our child and he was the one out of us who always dreamed about having a child. But he would be a bit like that when I mentioned baby's current size. It turns out when it was so early he was worried too get too excited when anything could happen and also because I think they find it hard to relate when they can't 'see' it yet. We obviously can't either but we feel pregnant so it's a bit different for us I think.

Now he's got a dad app and is updating me on size and I'm just like 'meh' haha (I'm 30 weeks).

The rest though he sounds like a dick and I'd talk to him and nip it in the bud ASAP. If you feel like crap because you're pregnant, he can either hoover or shut up about it.

he sounds like a dick really. My DH found it difficult to believe we were having a baby prior to a scan, but he still sympathised with me and supported me.

I'm sorry but I think people can be a little bit harsh and quick to jump on the OH bashing train.

Not all men take to pregnancy quickly. I think it's because they aren't the ones pregnant, it's not happening directly to them and they don't always have the same instincts women do.

My husband has come across a little 'uninterested' in both of my pregnancies but as time goes on, he then gets more engaged and when the baby is born... fully hands on and involved. He's a great dad!

I could be totally wrong but it sounds to me like this is new for both of you. You're probably feeling rubbish, fed up and a bit hormonal. He's probably not really sure what he's doing or fully understand how you're struggling.

I would suggest talking to him calmly, explain that you're finding it tough and that you feel like you need a little bit of support.

Hope you feel better soon.

My partner can be a bit like it. We don’t live together and some days he’s like how are you and squirt today, are you ok etc etc. But last night he was beyond grumpy, mardy, carried into this morning, didn’t ask how we were. Still hasn’t at 4pm. I think he’s just oblivious!! It’s first time baby for either of us but is our first together. I am trying to not let it bother me now which is easier said than done lol xx

I agree with previous posters.

It's hard sometimes for men to understand what's going on. To be honest, before I was pregnant and women would complain of morning sickness, I'd be a bit like puke and crack on. It's all very abstract until you're the one suffering from it.

My DP was also similar to a DP mentioned upthread where he just wouldn't get excited or show interest as he was worried. He began talking about baby after our 20 week scan once we knew baby was safe.

So of the other parts you mention about your DP are questionable though and would concern me.

I don’t want to diss all men but I do think it’s definitely a man thI guess. My husband is actually really good at cooking / doing things around the house when I’m feeling ill so I’m probably pretty lucky but try to engage in a conversation at an emotional level or tell him I’m worried or feeling low, he’s absolutely useless and appears to not give a flying f! Love him to bits but sometimes I wonder if I’m going to end up strangling him before his pregnancy is over 😊

I just show this to my oh, if he dares to ask me to do anything!

This post has really reassured me!! I'm 4+4 today and saw the midwife for the first time today. DP wasn't overly interested in what was said, very frustrating but I can hardly believe I'm pregnant now so it's must be really hard for him!! Looking forward to the scans and hoping he will suddenly realise it's real!! Bless him, he's a good egg under the emotionless bloke

I think it’s the strain of me literally falling pregnant a week after meeting my partner 🙈 he finds it hard we don’t see each other everyday. I’m sure he would be different if we lived together. If I didn’t have my own children settled in schools I’d up and move in with him but it’s just not that simple xx

Does he understand how much early pregnancy effects women? My DH was a bit like this at the start of my first pregnancy but he genuinely believed that things started OK and got slowly progressively worse until you gave birth!

He got much better when he figured out what is really happening. The commando Dad book my useful for him if he is clueless.

He doesn't sound very nice. Not sure why you love the socks off him. Hope he improves a whole lot in the forthcoming months.

My OH didn’t even want any more children when we met (he has two kids with an ex). We broke up about it, it turned into a deal breaker for me.

He had some counselling about his daddy guilt and we got back together when he realised that he would like to father a child with me.

The best, under those circumstances, that I could have hoped for was for him to show mild interest. However, he has been like a kid at Christmas, bouncing up and down about scans and Doppler-heartbeats!!

That all said, it did take him until the 12w scan to even NOTICE! And it was a long wait because our scan wasn’t until I was 14w1! Up until that point, apart from a half arsed concern about me lifting things or riding the horse, he actually came across as a total asshole! He didn’t take my nausea seriously until I projectile vomited across him (don’t recommend that) or my pain until I bled after sex (not that romantic!)

Men just don’t always get on board straight away, it’s so conceptual for them sometimes, even when they’ve done it before. Stick with him xx

Whether or not he's got his head round the pregnancy, nobody gets to tell their sick partner there's hoovering and ironing that needs doing.
By way of comparison, I have done 0 housework or cooking between weeks 4 and 14, for three pregnancies now. Because I live with an adult who can see that I feel shit and does what is needed so I get as much rest as possible.

Sorry op that you feel this way
Is he generally this way? He sounds very uncaring and I would be so upset at this attitude.
I'm 11w at the moment and my dh cant do enough for me. He even logged in to the same app as me and we are both tracking weekly what's happening. This is our second so the novelty hasnt worn off, hes just a great dad and husband.
Maybe sit down with your dp and explain how much this upsets you and he needs to be more understanding.

Sorry you feel unsupported. You're not on your own. My husband didn't really get it either. He wasn't going through the m/s, the aches and pains, the fatigue, his experience was taking on a huge chunk of my responsibilities as I 'got' to roll into bed or onto the sofa. I appeared lazy and using my pregnancy as an excuse. This was the pattern for our two successful full term babies. Roll onto our third pregnancy and I felt great! very mild m/s, just a lot of bloating and I was able to continue my usual responsibilities/work. However, come the 12 week scan we found out I had a silent MC, which made the lack of symptoms make sense. So now on our fourth and final pregnancy and the sickness has hit me full on again, a good sign! But this time he has been incredible. I think from him seeing me able to continue during my MMC has made him realise that I'm not 'putting it on' or 'milking it' which he had previously thought.
Would your OH consider joining an online baby tracker? He would receive weekly mother and baby updates as to what growth is happening and how mothers body is changing and her symptoms. This way you aren't directly telling him how you feel....it's fact that these changes/experiences are happening and he can't really ignore that. X

He probably thought that morning sickness was literal morning sickness and you'd feel better by afternoon.

I think men can feel a little unsure at first. Mine was interested i think he was just... Finding it hard to really imagine or feel that it was real. Until he saw the scan. He said it felt like an abstract concept to him. But he cared.

Maybe your husband is just feeling anxious and scared and worried. Scared that things will change, scared the relationship will chancre, feeling pressure to be a good dad.

Women get anxious about that babies and everything suddenly focuses in on the little one. Men feel the same i think but comes out in a different way sometimes. We are busy looking after our little one and thinking about it. They can't feel that body changing as we do. It must be quite difficult.

Thanks everyone it's nice to see that some of you are going through similar!

To answer some questions:

1. he does struggle with showing his emotions (never seen him cry in 5 years), but I think this is down to his own family and upbringing (his family are not huggers or tell each other "I love you" unlike my family who are VERY affectionate and loving..). Thinking about it now, on a day where I feel less dreadful in regards to sickness, it could be that I was just over emotional and hormonal and blew things out of proportion, turning to this site for a bit of support, and a pat on the shoulders, lol (I feel so pathetic!)

2. it is his first child and he has never experienced living with a pregnant woman before, after speaking to him and explaining how I've been feeling he did say he felt like an idiot about the house stuff and told me not to worry and that he was sorry. He also said he just finds it hard to get his brain around the fact that there is so much happening inside my body and we can't even see it.

I think this pregnancy is just such a huge learning curve for both of us and he needs to expect to pull his socks up a bit when I am physically unable to pull my weight... for the poster who says they don't know why I love the socks off him, well, no one is perfect and there are days I'm sure in every relationship where certain things tip you over the edge (more so in pregnancy... dang hormones!)

Thank you for the mostly reassuring and kind responses ! :) hope you all have a lovely bank holiday !! X

Buy him a copy of the comando dad book, it will help him understand what is happening and what he can do to help.

Urgh I feel you...
My partner, so disinterested in my pregnancy. He has two children from previous and I don't see the enenuthasim for our baby. Maybe when baby is born he will suddenly be intrested but for right now I just feel it's a drain on him :(. It is selfish as it's my first pregancy and I'm excited, I just wish he was on the same page as me.

OP I’m pleased you have had a chat and things seem ok now 🙂 sl07 that’s a real shame with it being your first baby 😕 how many weeks are you? Xx