Very early days - and lying to people. What do you do?

[PinkMartini]

Hi
I got my BFP earlier in the week and just getting head round it all (esp as I'm totally clueless about what happens now!)

Don't want to tell anyone till we've had the 12 week scan but realise I'm going to have to lie. A lot.

As we've been married for ages occasionally in the past if I've not felt like drinking (due to being hungover or something) or feeling a bit sick then people have jumped to conclusions and asked "are you pregnant?!"

Of course in the past I've pulled a face much like Bridget Jones and said "Christ no! Ugh!" but obviously now that's not true.

Obviously I'm much more sensitive to it now because I am pregnant but I only found out on Monday and this week I've had to tell two bare-faced lies and am about to email a third.

I am worried that I"m not a good liar and people are going to guess.

But am I right though, I shouldn't be telling all and sundry the news should I?

TIA

Hi, i think first of all if you work you should at least tell your boss/manager because they will need to understand why you are having time off or running to the loo!! As far as the drinking goes just tell people you are on antibiotics or something.

I did tell everyone that i was pregnant very early on and sadly i miscarried at 12 weeks, so i think its right not to tell people if you feel that is for the best. Next time round i will do the same and wait until 12 weeks.
Congratulations and good luck

Hello!

I told my line manager at work very early on (am obliged being military) and we told our close family, but other than that I told the few people who were rude enough to ask outright that we were trying to conceive but didn't know one way or the other - that soon stopped them asking. There is always the "antibiotics" excuse!

As a rule of thumb I told people I was sure wouldn't blab who I thought I would want as a shoulder to cry on if I miscarried and just didn't tell anyone else. Amazingly few people asked actually. If you have the balls you can always go for a sarcasm laden voice - oh yes of course I'm pregnant can't you tell - not lying but bound to confuse!

Thanks for this - work from home so can puke and pee in the privacy of my own loo thank god.

May go for anti-biotics as the excuse. But am more worried about all the other stuff - unpasteurised cheese and pate and stuff.
(not that I know all of those at all)

It's fairly easy to avoid the food issues, just say you don't fancy X right now.

I used to wave my hand vaguely, about the booze, and say, 'oh, I've given it up for a bit, i got sick of waking up in the gutter' or words to that effect. Most people left it be, either working out the real reason (and keeping it to themselves) or thinking I really had had a drinking problem.

I had two miscarriages, both around 10/11 weeks, and having to tell random people was not nice ... I only really had my hairdresser, really, but that was dreadful enough.

You could try telling people you can't possibly drink because you're too hungover from the night before! This has the added benefit of explaining away any nausea/faintness you may feel .

you say your taking antibiotics detoxing etc i planned to wait but everyone knew before hand x

Having had one miscarriage, I would tell the people I would want support from if I had a miscarriage, and don't tell anywone else
I feel so rubbish from about 5/6 weeks into pregnancy that I become a reculse anyway, so the excuses are for not going out rather than not drinking when I'm out
But yeah, the lying and evasion gets a bit tedious. Like notquitecockney says though, nice people will often work it out but be tactful enough to stay quiet

We didnt tell anyone bar immediate family and my best friend - all people whose support I would have needed should something have gone wrong. I didnt even tell work til after the 12 week scan was done. TBH I was so exhausted in my first trimester that I didnt need to make many excuses as I didnt go out that much - and when i did go somewhere I took the car and used that as an excuse. My friends later told me they had thought something was up - but no one pressed at the time, and people wont. I did have to issue an outright denial at after work drinks after I didnt drink for the 3rd time in a row - but my view was they were asking a personal question that wasnt their right to ask so I didnt feel bad denying it.
Do figure out your story though as some people may suspect and may ask outright - if you are prepared, will help avoid the rabbit in headlights look.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

Just say nothing to people you don't usually rely on for emotional support and be prepared for comments on the lines of, 'oh, we thought you were looking different' once you tell. Some colleagues never realise at all, others are always gossiping anyway so even if they spread the word no-one would believe them! I found it easier to hint at some weird women's health issue if a blokey colleague started going on about having a drink. It has the advantage of making them leave you alone!

Do what you feel like. I told everyone as soon as I found out cos I figured if something went wrong I'd still have to tell them. And everyone would have known anyway as I instantly stopped drinking and smoking and that is NOT like me. I preferred that to lying but I don't think you'll go to hell for it!

By the way, your risk of contracting anything from the unpasteurised cheese etc is so incredibly small a lot of people just tend to ignore it...

I had to opt out of a trip to a malarial area when I was just pg with dd1 and someone in my office made a massive fuss in front of loads of people. So I was the one who looked a bit arsey. But I was only 6 weeks and didn't want to spill the beans that early. Lots of people do detoxes eg for holiday so don't worry about not drinking etc.

Antibiotics is a crap excuse. If a woman of childbearing age says she's not drinking "because of antibiotics" most people tend to just assume she's pregnant, IME.

Better excuses are that you're hungover, on a diet (that one can get you out of the pate and soft cheese as well), following a detox programme, or have become converted to the views of some bonkers "nutritionist" a la "Doctor" Gillian McPoo (you could invent one, but the real one might do just as well, I have no idea what she actually says) -- so you can say "Oooooh no, Doctor McPoo says that pate might as well be poison" or whatever.

Personally I never (two early miscarriages, one DS) tell anyone until after 13-week scan. With each miscarriage DH has told a couple of people because he's bad at secrets and each time it's fallen to me to "untell" them afterwards. I really hate doing that and never want to have to go through that experience times lots if we told more people.

The thing is that a lot of people will guess but unless they are extremely rude they won't ask you directly. I never do and I can always guess.

If they do ask you directly, you can tell them to bog off and mind their own business.

i was rubbish about lying. when i took the test with DS1 i was in the loos in work. then i had a lunch to go to, and i drank water instead of red wine. my boss looked at me, i looked at him, he said 'are you alright' with a knowing look, and i said 'er, yeah...' and tried to talk about something else. People will guess, and most people will just ask you outright. if people asked me outright, i couldn't lie because i was too chuffed. I'd always start laughing like a loon

I'm useless at lying. End up looking like this so everyone knows. If people don't ask outright I find the being evasive/distraction route best though.

I've had "You're trying for another one aren't you/" to which my perfectly truthful answer was "Not at the moment", no point ttc if you're already pregnant lol.

Made the mistake of commenting on having a rough night and going to the loo alot to which I got "You're not pregnant are you" to which I just laughed and said "It was the two pints of water before bed" Again true, while neither confirming or denying being pg.

So they may guess, but if anything goes wrong in time they will just assume they guessed wrong. If not it doesn't matter.

By 12 weeks you will become the master of evasion.

I've found that if I'm expecting someone to ask me why I'm not drinking I can prepare a lie in advance and just about get away with it (I'm 11 weeks). Did this with MIL last week and could tell she didn't believe a word of it, but there wasn't much she could say. Even MIL would stop short of saying 'I don't believe youare you pg'.

What catches me out is when people talk about babies, ttcing, etc and I'm not expecting it. I've blurped out that I'm pg to 3 people now that way, because I'm hopeless at lying on my feet.

Last time I told quite a few people before 12 weeks. Partly it had taken us years to conceive and I couldn't help myself, but mainly I thought that if I did miscarry I'd like certain people to know because I'd want and need their support.

I wouldn't use the anti-b excuse. I always assume someone is pg when they say that.

Soo glad to see this thread! I got my BFP on Sunday and am due to meet an old work friend tomorrow and we always do the big drinking thing! Don't want to cancel as we have not seen each other for months and only meet up about twice a year but don't want to tell her either. Will be checking out the excuses.....
Am hoping I will be able to keep the secret longer than last time when my bump gave me away at 9 weeks (I know, 9 weeks!!)
Congrats anyway Pink Martini!

Why dont you just say you had a heavy night the night before and you couldnt drink a thing today?

She knows me too well and we always prepare for these drinkathons. Think the first non alcoholic drink I have she will guess - she did last time. And it is only the two of us so no hiding the rounds at the bar...

Hi Pink Martini,

I haven;t read all the posts, so sorry if I'm repeating something, but the question of telling people or not until 12 wekks is a very personal one. I did tell people close to me early on - straightaway in fact, because I was so excited . i worked on the same viewpoint of a close friend of mine - heaven forbid that something had been wrong, but I would be wanting the shoulders of these people to cry on, which I wouldn't have been able to if they hadn't known. It's also quite handy to have one or two partners in crime on a night out - to get you a gin and tonic (without the gin, of course ). The cheese and pate issue - you're on a diet! The drink thing - I managed to get through 2 conferences at work without anyone suspecting - I accepted glasses of wine etc, took the odd sip and then 'lost' them, which meant I didn't have to make a big thing of saying no and as the people around me got drunker, they didn;t notice.

Would it work if you went to the bar and ordered the drinks? Order a non alcoholic drink for yourself that looks like an alcholic one? vodka and lemondade with out the vodka or something? Sorry probably not being very original here.

Jackstini could you tell your friend that you have taken pain killers for a head ache that was so bad that you were going to cancel but didn't want to let her down, would she fall for it or see through you?

I liked telling people I was pregnant, and tried to tell each person in a different way i.e asked my sister if she would like to be an aunty around Christmas time, told my Mum that DH and I weren't going to buy Christmas prezzies for everyone that we were going to give them a relative instead and how would she like a grand child.

I would second what people have said about telling a select few - I'd been very Bridget Jonesy about it before too, never fancied it etc, and I realised that if I were to miscarry it would have been a major shock to my parents and close friends as they would never have expected me to be pg in the first place! I thought it would be too hard to have to say to my mum oh I was pg but now I'm not. So I told my mum at about 7 weeks and a couple of close friends at about 9, as I thought I would need their support.

Also your reaction before will probably stand you in good stead - just keep reacting that way even though it's a lie! I had so many people really shocked as they never thought I would have babies, so I really avoided all that "oh will we hear the patter of tiny feet soon" crap!

I used the hangover excuse a few times, the detox excuse and also conveniently had lots of things to do early the next morning etc! No-one guessed at all.

Re food i wouldn't worry, it's not often you're faced with a choice between eg goats cheese and nothing! If you're out for a meal just choose something else without remarking on it.

Oh, and saying you've got the runs always shuts people up and allows you to drink water and eat plain food!! ( I went right off creamy sauces etc at 1st)

Good luck!! x

Thanks Homeinthesun - she might fall for that one actually - good thinking.
LOL at 'the runs' excuse Caz - you are so right - noone will ask any further questions