i feel so incredibly alone and upset

[lovelikewinter]

hi everyone
well i found out on 2nd may that i was nearly 4 weeks pregnant. i told my boyfriend the same day and he didn't take it well. we've been going out for a few months and he was against using contraception.he has basically drilled it into me that,the logistical side of our circumstances, do not weigh in the baby's favour; we don't live together yet and probably can't until next year; he wants us to be married and more financially stable etc, that i need to have passed my driving test by then. so he is basically saying an abortion is the best thing, at this moment in time, because we arent ready for children.
i've never had a child before and initially never wanted any, but i feel like being pregnant has changed my outlook.
i have literally no one i can talk to about all of this. my mum is not an option as she is emotionally abusive and somewhat psychotic. i still live with her due to my financial reasons. i decided against tellign her i was pregnant and she, on one of her many snoopings, went through my bedside draw and found my pregnancy test and letter from the gp. she then continued to ask if i was pregnant while knowing i was and i refused to answer her because she was getting nasty.
well she finally found out last night 'officially', and proceeded to tell me that i'm selfish and cruel and devious
i feel very small and lonely
i love my boyfriend dearly and don't want to lose him
hes intimated if i keep the baby we may end up breaking up due to the stress
i feel like i'm the only one that loves and wants this baby
i have other rl stuff going on and i feel mentally drained and like i'm going to snap
i'm 25 and scared
i keep crying
i don't know what to do
xx

First up, im sorry you feel unsupported in this situation.

One of the red flags in your post, is that your partner was against using contraception??! For him to then turn around and say he doesnt want a baby is absurd, as he is willingly having unprotected sex.
Unprotected sex = chance of pregnancy.

With your mum in a precarious position, and your boyfriend somewhat unsupportive, I think you need to have a serious think about whether you are happy to enter into this pregnancy alone.

It must be so hard for you, maybe a pros and cons list will help?

I know :(

I guess, I just can't think straight, my head hurts so much from it all

Sorry you are going through this.

As PP said your BF not wanting to use contraception but being upset by a resulting pregnancy is a red flag. What could he honestly have expected to happen. I think is is easier for the man to say oh just have a termination as it’s just not as real to them as it is to the one who is pregnant. They aren’t having that physical experience and most likely have little undertaking of what is involved (both with terminations and continuing pregnancies).

You need to make this choice based on what YOU want. Really and truly whichever way you go it can and will be ok but it will be easier on you if the choice comes from what you want. Try to find some time and space to think about the practicalities and the pros and cons of each choice. For me it’s a decision that needs to be made by both the head and the heart - and it’s you that needs to weigh the two if they don’t agree! Yes it may look not so great on paper but if your heart tells you that you really want it then an awful lot of the practical stuff can be overcome. Equally if you don’t want to continue you mustn’t feel badly about that or worry what others think. Its just what’s right for you.

One thing I really would caution is if you end a pregnancy just for the sake of trying to save a relationship when you otherwise wouldn’t have there is a very real risk that the fallout and stress will do for that relationship anyway. So I would say do not do it for that reason alone.

The situation with your mum sounds super tough. It is a shame she cannot be the support for you that you need. Can you look at what options you have to move out, what you could afford/might be entitled to? That is of course if that’s what you want to do.

I agree that you need to make decisions based on the fact that you may be alone. I'm sorry but your boyfriend doesn't sound like the real deal. I would be wary of doing anything just to keep him.

Your bf sounds like an idiot so disregard all that he has for now and go with what you want and consider your situation alone. I read on MN that parents are faced with many difficult decisions and having to have difficult conversations on behalf of their child. Yours start now. I'm sure you see the irony of your bf stating you shouldnt use contraception but that a baby would likely break you up. I would dump him anyway. What a prize prat for devaluing you and your unborn child. If you go ahead, speak to the midwife about sources of support and anything you may be entitled to (some places have payments for baby items etc). Could you move out? Do you have a sensible relative or friend you could confide in?

thanks everyone for your replies and advice

i feel like a complete failure
i feel completely useless
i feel like i am worthless

i don't think i'd forgive myself if i had an abortion just because it didn't suit him at this moment in time. he intimated that we could have children in the future but losing this baby would be a massive risk to take. but then is it fair making a child grow up how i did - alone and with no support?

i want to move out desperately but just don't see how its possible. my credit isn't good and i have no one who would be a guarantor

it feels like everything has been turned upside down.

my boyfriend and i had a lovely weekend together and today hes just been completely off with me and it hurts because hes all i have left
he has a lot of mental health issues and i always try to be understanding
but
i don't know.

i'm sorry for rambling. just, feeling so lost and alone while at work
i keep crying

@lovelikewinter

First of all you are not a failure, useless or worthless - you have found yourself in difficult circumstances so its natural that you are feeling confused and weepy. You aren't going to have all the answers straight away and nor do you need to make any decisions immediately. Give yourself some space and time to think things through. try to spend time with positive people who generally make you feel good about yourself.

Second of all, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy, your baby will not grow up alone and with no support - they will have you. There will be challenges if you dont have a good support network, but no parent is perfect and no child grows up in the perfect circumstances.

It might help to talk to a counsellor to help you make a decision, though just remember that not all services are the same - some have a 'pro-life' stance, so choose someone impartial.

Have your baby if you want to.
I think that getting away from this man would be a good idea.
You are precious, special and worthy of love and all good things. Clear the way for good things to come.

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through op.

I'll keep it brief cos there's so much I could say. Bottom line is, 10, 20 years down the line you may not have your partner. But you'll always have your child. Take it from me you'll never regret putting the life of your own precious baby before your relationship with this man.

I think you need to talk to your gp about this situation and book an appointment with them. They can give you better advice about who to talk to.

It sounds like you've gone through so much stress and I'm so concerned you will regret an abortion as you will live with it, not the bf who I'm sorry sounds like he does not deserve you :( if you do get an abortion, I think it's to cut your ties with this guy.

Try and be kind to yourself. It’s a lot to take and has come unexpectedly. You have not failed, you are not useless, or worthless. Life can throw these curveballs at anyone and even if you think everything is perfect and planned it can all get tipped upside down in a blink. So all you can do is work with what you have.

Try and think about what you would tell a good friend in the same situation. We are usually much better at being kind to others and harsh with ourselves!

If you have the baby they will not be alone and without support. They will have you and a parent that loves you fiercely is much more important than a lot of things.

Obviously no idea of your financial position but try and have a look to see if you would qualify for any help with housing or benefits. Maybe worth a look online or call to the CAB.

Could you go to citizens advice bureau to ask for advice about steps you can take towards moving out? Whatever happens, it would ideal if you could get away from your toxic mum into a place (or room) of your own.
No wonder you feel alone - being pregnant is such a massive and life changing thing and it’s so hard for you that your BF is unsupportive and your mum is the way she is. That doesn’t reflect on you though. You are a person of worth, you are worthy of love. It’s awful having a bad relationship with your mum because it really affects the way you feel about yourself. Hopefully you’ll have a chance to work through all that stuff and get help overcoming it so you can really understand how loveable you are . The way your mum is, is no reflection on you, it’s just a reflection of how damaged she is.

Oh OP, you sound so sad. Is there anyone you can talk through your options with? An older relative or wise friend? You do have choices and many women successfully raise their children alone. Realistically, i cant see how such a hopeless bf will be much use long term and you should prepare yourself for him to not be around for the long haul, but that doesnt mean that your baby will be alone with no support. They will have you, and you are not your mother. So you will do things differently. If you have no one you can turn to, use your gp or a counselling service to talk through your options. Good luck.

How are you doing today @lovelikewinter?

thank you so much to everyone for your kind and supportive replies, they really mean a lot to me.

i'm so conscious about not making the 'wrong' decision, and yet either way i feel torn. CAB told me to go to my council, re my living situation, who weren't interested to be honest. so i don't know what to do there. i do need to go back to my GP but shes essentially said theres not much more she can do - because i have to make the decision myself. which, i understand.

i sat down and told my mum face to face i'm pregnant, she has been a bit kinder, but the situation is still relatively untenable,

i am currently very upset and stressed about my boyfriend as he is sinking into a deep depression, well i dont think he has ever really left it; several times over the past few months he's been suicidal to the point he tries to break up with me and it scares the hell out of me. he has debt and problems with his ex-fiance, i know they must be so hard. i try and support him through it all. now hes saying he wants to be dead and he refuses to go to the doctors. what do i do? i am so stressed :(

and tired...i just want things to be straightforward, i want us both to be happy. i know mental health isn't that clear cut nor comparative- i'm depressed myself but i need him now more than ever. he said he feels nothing when i hug him and that he knows i love him but he can't feel it.

that really hurt

Can you ask your GP to refer you to a counselling service? The ones on the nhs are free, but often have long waiting lists, but the GP may be able to fast track you. Or if you can afford it, look for a private service.
I think you really need to find someone non judgemental to talk through your options with. They would also be able to help you recognise that your bf is not your problem to fix. He has his own journey and whilst you can be supportive, he really has to do the work himself. It strikes me that whilst he may be depressed, he is also unbelievably selfish, insisting on using no protection, then expecting you to get an abortion.
In terms of making the 'wrong' decision, whichever decision you make will be right for you at the time. And if later, you start to regret it, remind yourself that you did the right thing for you at the time and no-one has a crystal ball and can what the future holds.

Keep your baby if its what u want, your 25 a grown woman so more than ready to have a baby. As for your bf your going to have to have a chat with him about what u want.

already waiting for nhs counselling but GP warned it was a long waiting list..

my boyfriend is just ignoring me now