Having a tough time.

[Parent19876]

I'm twenty two weeks, doing this solo (not by choice), which I know is super common now a days, but I'm still having a super hard time.
I was recently unemployed, but landed a job this last week. Turns out I may lose this job (clearance drama), which really puts a spanner in my plans because I was planning on working the next few months so I could qualify for MA.
I'm living with my parents right now, but they're planning on moving about an hour away to a new county (which means that I'll have to change midwives and delivery hospital), unless I get a council flat, which I'm sure I won't. I don't want to be ungrateful- of course I am super thankful I am able to stay with them, but I feel horribly guilty imposing upon them. And I know it's going to be even harder if I'm still living with them when I give birth, as new borns are very loud no matter what.
I have no friends, all my friends are married with kids or in another country.
I'm just having a really hard time. I've been depressed since before I got pregnant, came off meds as I was in the process of switching them when I found out I was pregnant and wasn't comfortable in the first trimester taking them. I told my midwife at my booking appointment that I have depression (8 weeks along), and I still haven't been seen by PNMH. I've been to my GP and been prescribed different meds, but I feel so much worse not better.
The further along I get, the more depressed and anxious I become. Not that I want to be with my ex, but my heart breaks for this little girl who's biological dad doesn't want anything to do with her. I'm freaking out about money. I'm scared that I'm not going to be enough of a mom for my little one, especially in the state I'm in, and that it will always just be us and I'll never have any kind of intimacy again. The thought of giving birth alone gives me panic attacks, and just every day little things are adding up.
I have no clue about child maintenance and if I'd even be able to get my ex to pay it- I don't want him to resent my daughter more than he already seems to (last time we had communication he told me I was ruining his life by not getting a termination), and the past week it's just played over and over again in my head. Some days I respect that it's his choice to walk away, and other days the pain of it kills me.
Every day the enormity of my life overwhelms me and I don't know what to do to make it better.
I don't know what the point of this post is, I guess to not feel alone.

anyone?

Sounds tough!
You can self refer to your local IAPT service if you're in the UK. Google IAPT.
Sounds like you're thinking ahead a lot. Can you problem solve what you can change (E.g someone you like as a birthing partner) and try to let go of what you can.
Ask for help as much as you can

That does sound like a shit situation and I don't blame you for feeling stressed I'm sorry. I don't have any great advice I'm afraid, other than to chase midwives/gps for appointments (maybe look up the NICE recommendations for how long a MH midwife appointment should take and tell them, don't be afraid to be pushy so long as you keep it polite!). Do your parents have to move so soon? Have you spoke to them about your fears? Maybe I'm spoilt but I would expect parents to be rallying round a bit more if they possibly can.

I don't know if it helps but please know that not everyone has an amazing, joyful pregnancy. It's really scary and tough emotionally and for relationships (well, it has been for me so far!). You are definitely not alone!

And don't be afraid to call your friends - I'm only 1st trimester so have told v few people but skyping one friend (who is married with kids and in another country) has really helped

You're not alone. I'm 27weeks pregnant and I'm doing this on my own. My ex was abusive emotionally and physically and we split up when I was 12 weeks pregnant

It's been a whirlwind of a few months. My emotions are up and down. I also suffer with depression and am taking antidepressants as it would be detrimental to my mental health if I didn't. I've obviously spoken to my midwife about this and she fully supports this. If your tablets aren't working maybe you should ask to be put on different ones?

It's not easy. I went to an anti natal course which ran for 4 sessions over a month and it was all couples there. This made me really sad. And everywhere I look is pregnant women being supported by their loving partners. But what has kept me going is my little baby. She is what I'm living for and I can't wait to meet her.

I know it's hard being on your own but think of the alternative. It is so much easier to be on your own than with someone that is wrong for you or treated you wrongly. Plus no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Those seemingly happy families might be all for show.

I've gone through the upset of whether im doing the right thing because I always believed a child should have a father. However I know I will be a better parent on my own than I could have ever have been with him. Your little girl will be so lucky to have you as her mum

I think you need to get some information regarding what help your entitled to financially. Maybe contact CAB. are you getting counselling, this should help your depression. Really push for this because sometimes the NHS are so stretched that you get pushed to the back but you're pregnant so you should take priority for your unborn baby's sake too. Maybe look at support networks in your local area. If you're in England check out gingerbread as they are an organisation that supports single parents. They also run support groups so there might be one in your local area. Also it is worth registering with the council as you may get a house.

Just remember you're never alone. I have really sad days but just think of your little baby and the day when you'll have them in your arms

@AliceAbsolum thank you for the idea of IAPT, I've googled it and will refer tomorrow. The only person I can think of to be a birthing partner would be my mother, the only thing is that her and her husband are going away for most of August so if I go into labor when they're gone I'll have no one.

@IcelandicYoghurt they've pushed back moving already. My mom got a new full time job at a school out there, which is great for her! But it means that she won't be able to help out like she said she would when I first found out I was pregnant. Which isn't a problem, I need to do it alone anyways, but with her working full time, it's going to be hard to keep a new born quiet when she and her husband are sleeping. And she's adamant that I shouldn't be alone with the baby in the beginning, but I'm not comfortable with her husband helping out with the baby, even though he's a great guy.
I mentioned to her that I think having to move will really affect my mental health (& and it has so far, don't know if it's just because it's mixed in with everything else) and she started crying and telling me that I'm putting all the pressure on her and I make her feel guilty. I'm honestly not trying to, I just don't know what to do. She was very much against me going on the housing list, but I have done anyways. I'm band C, which most likely means I won't get a place anytime soon.
But her and her husband have both been supportive of me since the beginning, and I feel like I'm failing everyone around me.

@gem5848838 I'm so sorry to hear about you and your ex, but wow the strength you posses! Good for you for getting the guts to leave and unhealthy relationship. What a role model for your little one.
I just started these new ones a few weeks ago. I was trying to hold out until I saw the PNMH, but I couldn't anymore.
I definitely agree that we never really know what goes on behind closed doors.
I don't know if I'm better off without him, I mean I sure I am. We broke up before I got pregnant, when he found out he flipped. He's a lot older than me and has two daughters from a previous relationship.
I just don't think I can do this anymore. I've always wanted to be a mom and to have kids, but everyday I doubt my abilities.I love kids and I'm always around them babysitting, etc. I know so many amazing women do it daily, I just don't think I'm strong enough and admitting that scares the crap out of me. Don't get me wrong, I know there is never a right time to have a baby, but I feel like I'm drowning now. I feel like nothing I do is right and that I haven't made the best choice for my daughter. She deserves a mother that is so much better.

Anyone else?

I'm sorry that you're going through all this. It's not going to be easy if you're on your own. You'd better stay with your Mum even that it means moving to a different county. Having a baby it's overwhelming, particularly if you're already struggling with mental health issues and no support from baby's Dad. Don't worry about baby crying and disturbing your Mum. I'm sure the joy she will get from being a granny will make up for it.
Wishing you all the best