My partner is hard to read after I told him I'm pregnant

[aldrum]

I found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant two days ago which was a complete shock. We do a long distance relationship so we don't see eachother much to have sex in the first place, and the one time we had unprotected, I got pregnant. Even after taking the morning after pill less than 24 hours later. Anyway, I just had a feeling that I was, my boobs were sore and I was tired. So I went to get a standard test from the local shop. A very faint line showed and I called him right away. His first reaction was to laugh (he really thought that I was joking). So I went back and got the clear blue test just to confirm for both of us that I was actually pregnant and yip - pregnant sitting at around 6 weeks. At first he began joking about things like how my boobs would grow and that we could have a cute Christmas baby etc. So I fully felt like he wanted it as I did. But then he asked me to go to my doctor to confirm it before we discussed the next step. So I did this yesterday, they took blood tests and confirmed that I definitely am pregnant Nd although it's too early to scan - the hormone level suggests that yes, I'm pregnant. So I told him this all and his reaction was very confusing. One minute he was making comments suggestive of us going for it then the next we was saying things like "what if it was disabled, would you want to keep it" etc. Then I explained to him that I had a termination in the past and it would be impossible for me to go through with it again, I made that very clear. So he suggested that we take a few days to think about it and "some questions that we want to ask eachother" and he will be flying up to see me tomorrow so that we can hopefully figure this out. For some context, I'm 24, still have 4 months of a master's to complete and live in Wales. He's 27, working full time, living at home in London. Firstly, I panick that I'm still too young for this ? Then I worry about the fact that I don't have any savings because I've been a full time student for the past 5 years. Then I worry that we've only been together for 5 months. And I worry about how I well get a job which will actually offer me maternity leave. And the fact that we've never lived together and its still really early days between us. Then I know that my mum (who's is going through cancer treatment) will probably take this really badly considering were not married and have only been together for 5 months. All of these worries combined are causing me to panick most of the day, every day. Hopefully this weekend him and I can discuss the whole thing and figure it out together, but I feel like I need us to be on the same page because I can't do this whole thing alone when I know that I'll have alot to go against with breaking the news to my family. Has anyone been in any similar situation or felt this way?

Maybe your mum will take it as good news as might cheers her up as got cancer will give her something positive to think about . I am sure it will not matter you are not married as she will be a man. Maybe partner is nervous and scared . Let him know you are going to keep your daddy. Or maybe he thinks you planned it but he didn't use the condom so only him to blame as it's cock .

It sounds promising he is just thinking it through in his head.

You just need to think about how you prefer to do this (living together or not for example) and then see if that fits with what he wants. So, it's your choice to have this baby, he has to contribute at least financially, but you are both adjusting to parenthood in unexpected circumstances. Hope you stick together. And I hope your mum is nice about it, but if she isn't, forgive her if you can, and don't take it to heart. After all, this isn't exactly what you had planned, but it will be ok.

Hi Eva,

I know! I hope that we can figure this out together. We did always talk about it one day. Just didn't expect it so soon I think. I can't deny which way my head and heart is swaying. A baby would change everything and our 5 year plans but it's a blessing

To be fair to him he sounds like he does actually want to talk about it.

It can a bit weird for men in a different way though too so it's worth bearing it in mind. It was actually my husband who really wanted a baby but he could barely talk about it in the first few weeks because he was scared (of a miscarriage) so was just trying to not think about it too much at all until it was safer. Whereas I overtalk about everything haha.

Wanting to talk is good though!

I think there is definitely a lot to talk about. Long distance and only 5 months is very early to be considering babies but we can't all plan these things!

I think at 24 and almost at the end of a Masters you really have to think about what you want. Finding flexibility in jobs when you are at the beginning of your career can be difficult so it's all things to consider.

Just to clarify. We wouldn't be doing long distance, I'd planned to move to London in June anyway to finish my dissertation and hunt for jobs since both my mum and boyfriend live there.

I understand jobs won't be easy since I'll be straight out of uni etc and getting that flexibility may not be possible. But I guess this conversation were going to have will need to consider and discuss this to figure out if we can make it work.

I don't think you are entitled to any maternity pay unless you have been with a company for 2 years, so check that as it might be wrong or relevant.

Companies pay have different rules but that's if they offer extra maternity benefits. You don't have to have worked with them for 2 years to get SMP.

Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP)

To qualify for SMP you must:

earn on average at least £118 a week

give the correct notice

give proof you’re pregnant

have worked for your employer continuously for at least 26 weeks continuing into the ‘qualifying week’ - the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth

I have just commented on your other thread but didn’t realise you were already pregnant.

24 isn’t too young but I don’t think you’re in a particularly stable position right now. You haven’t known each other anywhere near long enough given the fact it’s not only been five months but also a LDR so you’ve only met one another 10-20 times in your life? It’s not enough to be chained to someone for life, you don’t know him.

You won’t receive maternity pay and finding a job whilst pregnant will be difficult at best. How will you afford to live in London with a baby and potentially no income?

I wouldn’t do it but it’s obviously entirely up to you. He will have mixed emotions, it’s a difficult situation.

You will be able to get child benefit , child tax credits and housing benefits and council tax reduction so will have money for baby

She'll also have no work experience, a big chunk of time out of the workplace by the time she's able to start work so she'll probably also have a lifetime of low wage jobs before her too.

Personally, in these circumstances (not knowing the father, father not keen, impact to job prospects) I'd think very long and hard before doing this.

Unless OP's mum will let her live with her and have the baby so she can work and build a career like she would have done otherwise. Is that an option op? Does your mum have her own job? I expect she does and is not ready to retire if op is only 24.

Then I explained to him that I had a termination in the past and it would be impossible for me to go through with it again

Does this mean that you've decided to keep the baby with or without him?

It's entirely your decision, but it seems worth clarifying before the thread turns into a debate over whether or not you should keep the baby.

You will be able to get child benefit , child tax credits and housing benefits and council tax reduction so will have money for baby

It's not really that easy though is it!

I found it easily to claim just been birth certificate to claim child benefit first before can get other benefits so not hard really. I work part time so I get working tax credit too