Help me- I'm ashamed and guilt ridden by my actions

[Mitzicoco]

I got pregnant when I was 21. I was in a long term relationship and was using Personna as contraception. I got pregnant. I was is in an abusive(in all ways) relationship. My partner told me no way could I keep the baby and I went along with it. I was just under 9 weeks so had a termination where I essentially gave birth to my child. I don't know what the technical term for what that is. My partner used to take great pleasure in causing me pain and even said that he found the whole experience erotic. Obviously now I see that he was a complete psycho but it ruined me at the time. It took another 4 years for me to have the courage to leave him. My main point is though is that I feel such guilt over the termination. My therapist has told me that it wouldn't be fair bringing a child into a world where the partner is abusive and clearly unwell. I have been depressed for many years about this. Can somebody please help me feel better about what I can't help but seeing as a a terrible thing. I absolutely do not want to cause any upset or offense to anyone who has gone through this but the guilt is eating me away.

Imagine what kind of dad he would have made. And how he may have treated your children. Take comfort in the fact that you never introduced a child into that mans life that he could abuse and inflict pain on. I'm so sorry for what you went through. But you definately made the right decision. I'm guessing because of his abuse your self esteem is low. But keep working on yourself and in time you will realise you made the right decision for you. And your an amazing strong SURVIVOR

Thank you so much for your reply. I feel like I'm drowning in guilt.Thank you.

I had a termination also many years ago. For the same reasons as your self. I suffer from mental health but iv come to realise that actually the man was sick. And I never would have trusted him with my child. So how on earth would I justify taking that risk if anything ever happened. Your defo did right

I was in a different situation, but felt I had no way out and made the same decision as you. I have felt terrible guilt over the years, but have come to accept that I made the right choice at the time, I regret falling pregnant, but i did what I had to do to survive, and so did you

You did the right thing. You couldn't be expected to have a baby in that situation. And, though this may not help, I wouldn't see abortion at 9 weeks as in any way 'giving birth to a baby', so maybe the way you are telling the story to yourself it makes it harder to move on - perhaps you need to talk to your therapist about how you are framing it to yourself?

Not true, echo. Medical abortion is the term, I've just had one.
OP I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. The guilt isn't yours. You were coerced and abused. I wish you all the best and hopefully in time maybe with the continuation of therapy, you will be able to see this and detach yourself from the bad feelings you're associating with yourself

Thank you x

Honestly you did the fetus (not baby; you need to remember that) a favour. A man who finds an abortion erotic probably has a certain degree of pedophillic tendancies. You did well to escape. Now focus on you; get some grief counselling and help yourself move past it.

In my 20s I was always vaguely pro choice but then I had miscarriages and had my wonderful daughter. My experiences have made me very committed to being pro-choice. Pregnancy, birth and parenthood are amazing at the right time with the right person but even so it’s fucking hard. I couldn’t imagine going through that if the time wasn’t right never mind with an abusive partner.

You were and are an amazingly strong women to make the decision that you did. Women’s bodies don’t make life easy for us. May have a look at self compassion.

A 9 week foetus is a potential baby but it is not a baby at that stage...more a seed.......you could frame it as you could have miscarried anyway by 12 weeks. You just don't know. I "gave birth" miscarried at 12 weeks and honestly it was not a "baby". It wasnt formed enough. Just a potential baby. It could have been but wasn't to be.
Either way it s a lucky escape from being tied to an abusive person.

Thank you, but the problem is, is that I feel like I was terribly weak. I feel like I should have stuck up for myself and my baby and left him. But I didn't, I suppose that is the 40 something me talking though. I wouldn't put up with that kind of bullshit now and am in a loving relationship. But I kind of hate the 20 year old me.

You weren’t weak. You were strong to make the decision that you did.

You say you are in your 40s now. Do you have any children? It sounds like this could be more about regrets about not having a child or more children rather than choosing not to continue with a particular pregnancy.

Yes, I have two lovely children. And I feel guilty because I have them and don't have my lost little one.

You were strong enough to leave him, please be proud of that. You aren't weak, you are human. 20 year old me would have done the same as you. We have hindsight because of our experiences. You are strong and insightful, please stop being so hard on yourself xxx

You are all very kind, thank you.

Op, he pressured you to have the termination and that was awful. But the choice that was made was right despite the wrong reasons. He sounds awful, I hope time and your children are healing you x

Oh dear I am crying now. Didn't really expect anyone to answer and you are all so nice.

Personally, I don’t find all these justifications helpful. I too had a traumatic abortion that I didn’t want in my early twenties. And I cried over it daily for years. I can’t say if that child would’ve had a poor upbringing, or anything like that. And those kind of questions make you say “what if” and leave you berating yourself.
I’ve recently hit a pivotal point where I’ve acknowledged that was fucking shitty. The most awful thing in my life. What I need to do now is grieve, and ensure that never happens again. Processthe hurt, the guilt, the everything else. It takes time but you can do this ❤️💖

Yes, it was/is shitty.

Please don't feel guilty - remember because you can't forget but please don't let it rule your life now. You did the best in a terrible situation - you can't save others if you don't save yourself first. Focus on what you have now and not what you don't have - not to say you won't ever forget but please forgive yourself xx

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. You were so strong to be able to leave him and you can have your life and live it now. I know what happened must have been hugely difficult, because you were forced to go through with it and you didn't want to. So it wasn't even your decision - you say you "gave birth" because you see it as a child you wanted.

But this was part of his abuse. It's okay to allow yourself to mourn this child, but do not feel guilty. It's life had not truly begun, it did not feel anything or think anything. And YOU DID NOT CHOOSE THIS. Your partner did. He made the decision. It was part of his abuse. It is not your fault. Just remember that. It isn't your fault. The guilt isn't yours. Abuse is so horrible. It isn't your fault you were abused. You didn't deserve it and you don't deserve this.

People are right - had you kept this child your life might have been harder. This man would forever have had a tie to you and you may never have escaped.

You can go on and find someone if not already, who is worthy of you and with whom you can have a child who you will both mutually love and want.

Do not let this feeling of guilt - for something entirely not your fault, ruin you.

Maybe find some way to commemorate the child? Something that will give you closure on an event that you were never given the chance to have.

thank you weatherheather :)

And you too, fonxey :)