Not excited about pregnancy or having a child

[Randomname8612]

Name changed for this. This post will probably sound selfish and horrible to many of you and I apologise but I just need to vent somehow.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant, for the first time, and I am not feeling any excitement about the baby at all. It was an unplanned pregnancy and came as a shock, however my husband and I are both in our 30's and we felt it was "now or never". I assumed the shock would fade into acceptance and excitement but somehow it hasn't happened.

Before the pregnancy, life was going really well. I have a good job which I worked really hard to get a degree for, and recently got a performance based pay rise because of how well I was doing. I had hobbies and a sport which I loved and took up a lot of my free time, I even travelled abroad for sports events, met loads of new people. My relationship with my husband was fantastic and we bought a house together.

Now, I feel trapped.

The first trimester was really hard on me and my health and work have really suffered. I can't do the sport I've dedicated my life to while I'm pregnant for safety reasons. I rarely get to socialise with friends because I nearly always feel too unwell or tired to do so.

But worse than this is I just cannot think of anything positive about having this child. All I can think of is losing my freedom and independence, and a big chunk of my income either due to having to find childcare (no family nearby to help) or somehow reduce my work hours. I worry about how we're going to pay our mortgage each month and all other outgoings. I worry that I won't be myself anymore, that I'll just exist to be a "mum" and lose a sense of my identity.

I've never been a huge fan of children and cannot say that I always wanted kids because that isn't true. I'm scared that I won't be able to love my own child and that it'll only grow up to resent me.

My husband is upset by how I feel because he's really looking forward to becoming a dad.

He tells me to look at the positives..... But I just can't see any right now.... Surely that's not normal?? Maybe I shouldn't be a parent? Yet I can't bear the thought of having to terminate. But maybe I shouldn't be a mother if I feel like this.

I've been riding on the hope that when I have my baby in my arms, the love will just make all the negativity fade away..... But what if that doesn't ever happen?

I don't need replies to this judging what a horrible woman I am, as I feel horribly guilty already. I just wondered if anyone else felt like this during their pregnancy and if things changed?

Unfortunately I imagine this is how a lot of women feel during unplanned pregnancies. Pregnancy is hard work, and if you're uncertain about motherhood, the struggle is going to feel much worse.

But - hopefully you have some things coming up that will help change your perspective:

• finding out your baby's gender and seeing a more human like scan
• feeling your baby's kicks for the first time
• seeing your body change and your bump grow
• preparing your nursery and getting your first baby clothes

Prenatal depression is also under discussed so I'd strongly advise you talk to your midwife about your concerns.

Do you feel ok in yourself? Are you feeling generally low. I remember wanting a baby then when I got pregnant I was anxious & worried at how my life would change. I begun asking myself things like
-will I cope with changing my life, feeling tied down?
-will I lose my independence
Don’t worry OP I did feel similar to you I was so worried about how my life was going to change. It did take a few months & a few conversations with DH asking him if I will get the odd day a week to myself or can I still go out with friends which he of course would never stop me. Just because your going to become a mummy doesn’t mean you can’t go away for 4 days travelling with friends or DH nor does it mean you can’t have any time to yourself. Everyone needs time to themselves. I hope your ok, the way you feel is so common don’t feel like a bad person just talk to your midwife to see if she can help x

I think talk to someone. There is nothing 'wrong' with how you feel and having to quash it probably won't help.

How about looking at all the exciting things you can do? The new adventures and the new challenges? Life definitely doesn't stop!

A lot of people seem to think you can't do things after a child and actually you can. You can go back to work quickly, you can definitely keep up with sport and find ways to rearrange the finances. Also as you said, it's now or never. You don't have to have any more children and you still have the rest of your life to enjoy!

I've known people who've never really been keen to have kids but when they turn 40/50 they wish they'd at least tried to do the kids thing as things can get a bit empty. At least you've got this chance now :)

If your husband is keen to be a parent and you hope to get back to work and your sport would you (as a couple) consider him being the primary care giver? It sounds like it might work for your family

I don’t think the way you feel is remotely abnormal OP, but please don’t feel you have to try force yourself into a mindset of wanting this baby if you don’t. It’s okay if you don’t. You have options this early: termination, adoption, husband being the primary carer. What do you think about these options? Not everyone wants to be a mother and that’s okay: you’ll hear a lot of ‘don’t worry, when the baby arrives you’ll love them and never regret it’ but equally a lot of parents including mothers do regret having their children and it doesn’t go away. It’s such a taboo to admit to, but I’ve spoken to quite a few mums who feel they’ve made a huge mistake and wish they could turn back the clock.

Only you can weigh up whether you want to risk carrying on with pregnancy or risk ending it or going for adoption or another option. You know what’s in your gut.

Hello,
Don’t feel bad. Honestly I can relate to some of what you’re feeling and I’m almost 12 weeks.
Due to fibroids etc we knew we should try and we conceived in the first month.
I like you and at a good point in my career and have worked hard to get here.
Again like you we don’t have family nearby so childcare is a must and realistically if all goes to plan I’ll have to go back to work when the baby is 5 months as financially I can’t stay off longer. Finances are definitely my biggest concern. We rent where we live now and that’s £1400 plus bills etc. Lately I’m really starting to panic about the finances and thing are we crazy to be doing this. At the same time I know we’re fortunate. It’s hard.

You're not a horrible woman at all, OP. It sounds like an unfortunate situation. And maybe that you are struggling with the changes in your life. I'd speak with your midwife, or with your GP. Consider accessing counselling if this is something you can afford. A friend of mine in your situation (successful career wise, globe trotter, enjoyed fine dining etc) was incredibly depressed during her pregnancy and went to counselling around preparing for parenthood and it really helped her. She isn't a typical maternal parent but she cares for her child and loves them.

As others have said, could your partner be the primary carer?

If, after lots of Soul searching, you still feel much the same... There is always termination or adoption. There is no shame at all in not feeling as though parenthood is the right choice for you. Best of luck, and I hope you find peace

You're anxious. You're going to be a mum. This is huge stuff. The anxiety that's manifesting itself is normal for many. But you will feel differently when your baby is born trust me. Pregnancy isn't that comfortable and comes with many side effects. Let yourself feel the way you feel but try not to over analyse it and over organise. Sort out the vitals and have faith that your feelings will start to change because they undoubtedly will when motherhood arrives. Good luck

I would Suggest that you speak to your midwife about ante natal depression.

I have always wanted to be a mother. But our baby wasnt planned. And it took me a long time to come to terms with it. I thought if I ever fell pregnant I would be happy bit I wasn't. Now I'm 28weeks and I love it, and the little one growing inside. The 20week scan was a really running point for me and although I won't touch my belly in front of others even if baby is moving, I make myself talk to her and rub my tummy and poke her and enjoy every movement when I'm on my own, not everyone deals with it in the same way. Have you felt any movement yet?

I think I'd make it clear to him that he gets to be the SAHP. Whatever you do, I wouldn't give up working FT. It's a pity you two couldn't have agreed to not have any children at all, it sounds like that may have been the best decision for you but that's bye the bye now.

I felt the same way. Not excited at all, just apprehensive and anxious and could only think about all the stuff I'd be giving up. When she was born, I didn't get that overwhelming instant love that everyone goes on about, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all.

Things that helped:

1. shared parental leave. We did 6 months each.
2. talking with DH about how we would share child care so that we both got time to ourselves.
3. perinatal mental health nurses, accessed via my midwife.

She is 15 months now and an absolute delight. Yes it's hard etc but also the most rewarding thing, we play, she laughs at stuff, I get so much happiness from watching her enjoy things and learn stuff. I have had to adjust my lifestyle somewhat but that's just life!

I didn't enjoy my pregnancy. Birth was awful. But my 4 year old boy I can honestly say is the most precious thing I have in my life. The love I have for him is so intense I can't describe it. Yet when I was pregnant i had hoped he quietly went away. I hope this helps you x

What you are feeling is totally relatable.

Kids are hard work, they change your life but more for the better.

When I had my DD I did lose myself for a while and gave up my beloved hobby (horse riding) - sold my horse and devoted my self to being the perfect mum.

Problem was, I wasn't able to be a perfect mum as I wasn't myself.

I'm now out of that fog and back to doing what I love and getting some quality me time. DD is my world but life doesn't revolve around her.

I'm now expecting my second - not planned but I'm determined to make it work and not lose myself again.

Having a supportive partner is key!

And don't underestimate the rush of love you'll feel for your baby - in general I hate kids but in my eyes mine is awesome!!!

I was listening to this podcast called ‘The Motherload’ and there was a woman who was very similar to you. She loved her child but didn’t like being a mother. The person gave her lots of good advice. Maybe a therapist could help?

You have options as mentioned above.
I'm not sure it's helpful to be told that other women were overjoyed when the baby arrived or loved motherhood , this just isn't universally true.
Have you and your DH discussed choosing not to have children before this ?
Taking the accidental pregnancy out of the equation all together what was the plan ?