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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Unplanned third baby - what do I do?

24 replies

MamaRainbow · 22/04/2019 21:35

I have a 9 month old girl and a 3.5 year old boy and I have recently found out I am pregnant. Currently about 11 weeks. I don't know what to do.

My husband is adamant he only wanted 2, but that he would support me.

He travels away fairly often with work, and we don't have loads of family around to help. I am still on maternity leave and was even thinking of starting my Masters in September.

I am booked in for a termination but I am not sure I can go through with it.

But... am also terrified of the thought of 3 under 4 years old.

My mind keeps changing everyday.

I don't know how to make a decision...I don't want to do something I will regret

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gamerchick · 22/04/2019 21:40

Ah I'm sorry man. You are the only one who can make this decision.

However, if you're flip flopping between the 2 would tell me personally that it might be regretted. Your bloke is a bit shocking for leaving you to deal with this in your own though. If he's so adamant he wanted 2 then he should have thought about that before and got the snip.

unexpectedthird · 22/04/2019 21:45

I'm 17 weeks pregnant with a very unexpected 3rd baby. My DH was 2 weeks away from a vasectomy when we found out...

It's really hard. I felt exactly the same as you but in the end chose to continue with the pregnancy. It was the right thing for us in the end. My DH felt, like yours, that a termination would be best but he was wholly supportive of the fact the ultimate decision was mine and that might not be my choice.

Talking about it helps, my GP was a brilliant, non judgemental, starting point and really helped me work out what I wanted most. A close friend was also invaluable too. Have you told anyone other than your husband yet? I can see why you might not want to but it might help.

Sending you a, non mumsnetty, giant hug because it's a horrible place to be. There's no right or wrong answer either, just what's right for you and your family. X

Original poster

MamaRainbow · 22/04/2019 21:57

He was booked in to have it done 😣 we have had lots of chats and whilst he 'says' he will support me, he has also pointed out all the negatives of 3.

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Original poster

MamaRainbow · 22/04/2019 21:59

@unexpectedthird - sounds like a very similar situ! He was literally weeks off the procedure. Have told my mum and a close friend who have been incredibly supportive.

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Original poster

MamaRainbow · 22/04/2019 22:00

@unexpectedthird - and thnk u for the virtual hug...it is a very very hard place to be x

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Mamabear12 · 23/04/2019 05:51

I know this is probably something you do not want to hear, but so many people always point out the negatives of having 3...however so many people have 3, 4 or more kids! Its only negative if you focus on the negative. I know not everyone wants a third and some people are one and done. Only you can decide what is right. It will be hard during the early years....but it will get easier. I know a lot of people who have a third, or even a 4th! I am newly pregnant with third. When I spoke about having a third to others who have a third, I would say half of my friends were brutally honest - DONT DO IT! The other half were like its great go for it! So really, I think its up to you and if you can cope etc. However, do not just think about the early days...think about the future...another person in the family. Perhaps a few more grandchildren when you are old :)

Also, my DH is the youngest of 3, he is the most responsible out of the 3, gives the parents the least trouble (the middle one has some issues). If his parents did not go on to have a third, they would have only had one grandchild, as the first struggled with fertility and is now 50 and wife is 48 so thats it for them. The second has mental issues and never had a relationship etc and he is 48 so most likely will not have kids. They had their third, who was no doubt an accident (he is 15 months younger then the middle one). So anyway my rambling point is,s sometimes you do not know what the future holds. It might be really tough the first few years, but you might be thankful later you went for it.

But if you decide not to, thats okay too. But please do not think of just now, look at the whole picture. I am so glad my MIL went ahead with it and I am sure they are too!

Ellenborough · 23/04/2019 06:12

Three so close together would be tough, but then it would have been tougher if no2 had turned out to be twins. You'd have coped and just got on with it but it might not have been fun.

Only you can know how you really feel about the prospect of another baby, but are you thinking of terminating for purely practical or financial reasons? Is there a part of you that really wants the baby?

Reasons to go ahead:

You are married to a supportive man who has a decent job and he is the father of your existing children as well as this PG. This is a huge plus in my book and undoubtedly helps to mitigate some of the downsides. If your marriage is strong and your income is sufficient you can do this, even if it won't be easy and throws you off course for a while.

If you abort for practical or financial reasons alone you may regret that and feel very guilty further down the line.

Reasons to terminate:

It might put you in an overcrowding situation at home and you if you and your DH are on a reasonable income and do not receive any housing allowance then upsizing may be too expensive or just impossible, especially if you own your property. You could be trapped in a too small house. That might put you under enormous strain.

Your childcare expenses for 3 may make working prohibitive or no longer worthwhile financially even if you want to continue for the sake of your career.

You may not feel able to cope (or wouldn't choose to just cope) with three so close together and if you've had a difficult time with PND in the past, and lack practical help from family then this might push you into a bad place. No idea whether that's the case, just thinking around potential issues.

NatureGal · 23/04/2019 07:24

OP only you can make that choice. Currently being induced with our very unplanned fourth baby. Found out after Husband had, had the vasectomy so was a shock. I considered a termination as had been offered a great job, had just restarted my degree and our three children were under 4. I decided I couldn't go through with it. It's been hard work with 3 under 4 but also lots more positives. That's me though. My husband has been very supportive, and like me wasn't keen for financial, space, reasons and the fact that we felt life was moving on to our next chapter. I did discuss termination with my GP who was very helpful and non judgemental. Can you discuss it with anyone, or get counseling if not certain. I hope whatever decision you make its right for you, it's a horrible situation and decision to be in and make x

FaithEloise · 23/04/2019 08:41

I am in the same place. I have a 3yr old.. a 14month old and now 5 weeks pregnant, we live in a 2 bedroom house also😑.. i was considering termination as i knew my partner didnt want any more but when i told him he was happy and wanted to keep it.. so what will be will be. We will cope somehow.. you know deep in your heart whats best x

outpinked · 23/04/2019 11:16

I was in the same situation seven years ago. I had an 18 month old and six month old when I found out I was pregnant again. No idea how it happened as we barely had sex and had doubled up on contraception desperately not wanting another child.

I considered termination to the extent I had it booked in but I just couldn’t go through with it in the end. She is now six and I’m so glad I didn’t. I couldn’t tell you whether I’d have lived to regret the termination but I definitely don’t regret having her. It wasn’t easy at all and my exH also worked very long hours but I survived and came out of the other side.

Only you can decide what is best, try not to let anyone else sway your decision. Marie Stopes offer counselling which I would strongly advise.

keepforgettingmyusername · 23/04/2019 11:18

Your husband will come around so don't base this decision on him and what he wants. You just need to decide what's right for you and your existing children. How would you feel if you had a miscarriage tomorrow? The answer will tell you a lot.

Original poster

MamaRainbow · 23/04/2019 12:07

Really appreciate all your responses, it has been really helpful for me to start coming to a decision. Thank you x

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Ellenborough · 23/04/2019 13:42

How would you feel if you had a miscarriage tomorrow? The answer will tell you a lot.

That's very true.

Original poster

MamaRainbow · 27/04/2019 07:11

So I cancelled the procedure and decided to carry on with the pregnancy. My husband is being quite distant towards me and not affectionate or caring. Making me doubt my decision now as I just think it is going to ruin our relationship.

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Mamabear12 · 27/04/2019 07:33

MamaRainbow Hopefully he will change and get his head around it. I see a pp wrote about living in a 2 bedroom. I knew one family who kept all 4 boys in one bedroom! Not because they had to, by choice. I also know another family who keeps all 3 in one room - and they are millionaires! Many people do this on choice as they think it’s nice for kids to share a room. We have our kids in one room and live in a 5 bedroom house! Kids are fine to share a room. And bc you already have two kids you won’t need to buy much for the new baby (except perhaps diapers?). Your dh is probably worried about the financials, but perhaps you could have a chat and explain that not much has to change (kids can share a room once baby sleeps though the night, before baby can be in your room). Baby can have hand me downs. And if you take holidays you can do road trips. Good luck!

fonxey · 27/04/2019 07:56

Glad you came to a decision that is right for you. I'm sure your husband will come around eventually. I imagine he's just worried for what this will all entail and men probably feel a little left out with pregnancy in a way.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 27/04/2019 08:00

Try and talk to your husband - it’s a cliche but men aren’t very good with talking about their feelings. He needs support too.

He’ll come round. Only he can ruin your relationship- this baby isn’t to blame.

Original poster

MamaRainbow · 27/02/2020 23:36

How are things now @unexpectedthird xx

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Original poster

MamaRainbow · 27/02/2020 23:39

@FaithEloise how are you finding it also? Xx

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Catlover10 · 28/02/2020 00:35

How are you OP?

unexpectedthird · 28/02/2020 00:43

Hi, @MamaRainbow how are you doing? How have things worked out with your husband?

We're doing well thanks. The baby has established himself very firmly as a beloved member of the family. I don't think I've had more than 3 hours sleep in a row since he arrived though. That's definitely harder this time round, which I think is partly my age.

hibeat · 28/02/2020 03:00

He will come round give him time.

Pol16 · 28/02/2020 03:53

Please don’t doubt your decision. To terminate in order to please your husband will cause you to be resentful for ever. I too believe he will come round in time.

ohdearymemumof3 · 28/02/2020 15:08

@MamaRainbow i have post natal depression and struggling. My daughter has autism and my son is now being assessed for it also, finding everything so hard even just getting us all out of the house! How about you? X

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