Pressure about babysitting before baby is born

[Redazaleas]

Not really sure where to post this.

I am feeling pressured about babysitting when baby is born. Comments from ILs about it, even drawing comparisons about my own parents babysitting, when there cannot be any physical comparisons because I am still pregnant.

This is now leaving me feeling quite anxious because in no way shape or form am I ready to think about that while I'm pregnant. When we do eventually (months down the line) let anyone babysit, it will probably be my own parents, because I can speak straight up with them about a lot of things. Whilst I'm getting comfortable with the idea of babysitting, I need to be able to do that.

I don't want to be unfair to my DH because I know that they are his parents, and also don't want to be unfair on ILs. But this is not pressure I need! Has anyone else been in this situation?

It's ok, you don't have to make any promises now and if a baby is breastfed they can't practically be away from you for long anyway.

Unfortunately not, il's have babysat zero times and mine are now grown. Try not to worry, it will work itself out

They are probably just getting excited, my DH used to do this all the time and it took me ages to be able to leave my DS but I do leave him with my IL now (I have none of my own family nearby) he stayed overnight this weekend and is 13months and he had a lovely time, anxiety is really hard and you don't need to feel like it when pregnant but I would wait till the baby gets here as your husband will quickly realise you aren't going to need babysitters for a while yet, when the time comes just choose who you are most comfortable with, but remember your ILs are just excited

I suspect it's excitement. BUT you need to start being much more direct, it'll get worse and you need to draw a line in the sand - tactfully but also learn to make them listen

Perhaps try, next time they mention it 'thanks for the offers to babysit but I suspect it'll be many months after birth so can we just hold our horses and stop mentioning it please, we'll let you know when we need some help, until then can we just concentrate on the pregnancy'

Or words to thst effect

Thanks all. I think you're right flumpy. When we are ready for people to babysit we will come to them and ask so I will say that.

I think I would have to point out how absurd it is to be putting pressure on about this when the baby hasn't even been born. I would set the expectations now and breezily say babysitting wont be happening for such a long time it's not worth worrying about now!

Stormwhale I think that's one of the reasons it's stressing me out - this is all before baby is even here

Will say something to that effect

It's unfair pressure, don't be afraid of being direct. They are being direct with you about what they want! When your baby is actually born you might find it easier to bat them off with excuses like he/she is very clingy at the moment/needs me to nap/feeding all the time.

Can you possibly ignore it?
When I was 12 weeks my MIL and SIL told me if I wanted to leave baby with them when I went back to work they could have him at SIL house in a weeknight (as in sleep over!)

I just smiled and nodded and now my plan is to stay of til 3 years old anyway

They are just excited I expect. Just enjoy your pregnancy and let anything you don't want to consider just now wash over you.

@Redazaleas I totally understand how you feel! When my DD was born my MIL went out and bought a baby bath towel PRAM CARSEAT and other bits for her so she could 'baby sit', funny enough my DD is 3 in sept and it is ALL still sat in the box's, iv left DD with my mum once when we moved house and once with my sister when she was asleep and we went to the cinema, she has never been left with my MIL and never will be I do not trust her...

You don't know when you will be ready for baby to be away from you, it might not be for years like myself, my DD goes to nursery but when she doesn't need to be there I like her to be home with me..

MIL kept saying this to me while I was pregnant and it really stressed me out. I remember snapping that I was desperate to meet and spend time with our baby rather than handing her over and going straight to the pub

Fast forward a few months after DD was born, and DH and I were desperate for babysitting so bear in mind the way you feel may change. For now I'd just laugh it off and say you'll have to think about it once baby's actually here.

Gosh she's just trying to be kind.

I can understand you trusting your parents more as you know them better. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't ever let your child be babysat by the inlaws.

People who never leave their kids are strange and create an unhealthy level of attachment.

Your DH needs to tell his parents to stop asking/talking about it. Avoid speaking to ILs yourself and let him talk to them, he can tell them why aswell. Some DH's need 'training' in prioritising their wife's needs over their parents.

I had this with dsil, I didn't want to leave DS alone at all (had pnd). She eventually got her way and took him off for the day (DPS family think that babies are toys and they should be passed around like a joint for poeple to have a go).
Dsil is nice enough but I knew she wouldn't follow any instructions I gave her, and if you witnessed her wind a baby, it may cross your mind to phone social services for child abuse. He's 5 now and it has never happened since. I know that sound horrible and controling of me, and DP gave me a terrible time for years (apparently it was my fault D's was so clingy, because I wouldn't hand him out to people, nothing to do with DP never looking after him alone) but I was in no state of mind to be worrying about my little baby breaking his heart for me, which he always did when I left him, it wasn't relaxing and the fact that I didn't trust them made it worse.

Talk to your DH and tell him how stressed these comments are making you feel. He should be telling his parents that he gets their excitement but they need to stop commenting about babysitting as it's putting pressure on you both, and neither of you will be in a position to make decisions about babysitting until after the baby has arrived. Important to have a united front so that you aren't coming across as the bad guy.

Let them know how much you love that they’re excited and want to support/be involved and that you will absolutely discuss it when you’re ready to have someone babysit. Don’t forget there will be times that you might really appreciate all this offer of help, like after 6 months when you still haven’t showered in peace and they could sit in your lounge with baby while you have a bath and a nap! As much as you trust your parents more, if you love your DH then it’s important your child forms an attachment to his parents too even if that’s you being with them while you are still in the house. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing so let them know they will absolutely be involved and appreciated but that you can’t think about leaving baby until you’ve actually had time with him/her.

People that don't leave their children are not "strange" and do not "create an unhealthy level of attachment" you can never give your baby / child too much love or one to one time. There is no place a child feels more secure and safe than with their perents, don't pay attention to obsurd comments like these.

Thanks everyone. Of course we will let other people look after LO when we are ready and I know they are excited, just don't want any pressure or feeling that LO should be 'shared out'. It is the feeling that people will be trying to keep tabs on how much they have seen LO compared to others that stresses me, as for various reasons (e.g. working patterns) there will never be a completely equal balance. But we will have a chat about it to take the pressure off.

@Dermymc that is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard, I never left my daughter until she was 2 years and 3 months and she was the only child that didn't cry at her first day of nursery she waved me of and shouted bye.