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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Considering TTC at 21 years old

20 replies

NF285 · 02/04/2019 22:32

I joined as I thought I might be able to get some advice on here. I've always known I want to be a mum at some point in my life, I never really planned it down to a specific age but had a feeling I would probably be quite young. Lately I've been seriously thinking about it, my boyfriend and I have talked about it a lot and we feel ready but not sure whether to start trying now or wait till we're a bit older. He's 22 and we've been together for nearly 5 years and have lived together for just under 2 years, we both work full time. I'm a bit worried about what some people will think, mainly what my family will think and how they would react if I told them I planned to become pregnant or that I'm trying to

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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allthegoodusernameshavegone · 02/04/2019 22:36

Why is this an issue? If you can afford a baby have a baby. Your choice

Bambamber · 02/04/2019 22:41

Everyone wants different things from life and is ready at different stages. If I had my baby at 21 I most certainly wouldn't be the mother I am today. But I was very immature and all over the place and most certainly didn't have my shit together. But plenty of people have babies at that age and do an outstanding job. Age alone isn't the be all and end all.

If it's what you want to do, and you are secure and stable, then go for it. It's not really anyone elses business (apart from in difficult situations where they will be relied upon of course)

LizzieMacQueen · 02/04/2019 22:45

Are you close to your mum? Why not just ask her. 21 is certainly not too young and there's many benefits to starting your family early.

Just have a good look at your finances and whether having a baby now will have an impact on either of your careers.

LovingLola · 02/04/2019 22:51

You have been together since you were 16 and 17.
My advice would be not to have a baby now.

Original poster

NF285 · 02/04/2019 22:56

I'm fairly certain my mum would want me to be at least a few years older, no one in my family has had a baby at this age. It's hard to know who to talk to because none of my friends feel ready for a baby

OP posts:

slappinthebass · 02/04/2019 23:00

I had my first at 20, (though unplanned). I firmly believe that there isn't a perfect time to have a baby, and waiting doesn't always work out ok. However, socially you'll have an easier time if you are older. At babygroups and classes there is a very obvious divide of classes depending on age. 30-50 year olds are usually middle class and 25 and under being working class. All I'm saying is I had a vastly different social experience as a 21-24 year old mother of an under school age child than when I was 30+. You might think you don't care about that, but it can really effect your self esteem and your child's social life.

I don't know if you own your own house or not, but I'd say that isn't relevant. You actually could have more flexibility financially if you rent as opposed to having to go back to work earlier and longer hours if you have a high mortgage to pay.

Think about training etc. Are you both decent earners or in a career that offers progression? If not having a baby will put any stop to that for many years. You'd likely be unable to afford course fees plus childcare on one income. But money isn't everything.

Can you drive? Not being able to makes it hard, depending on where you live. If you don't already consider taking out life insurance.

There are plenty of 30+ year olds having babies in new and insecure relationships, it sounds like you are in a good position to have a baby relationship wise. But don't rush in to your decision.

Bellaposey · 02/04/2019 23:08

I have been with my husband for 13 years since we were 17 and like you always knew I wanted to be a mum but we waited until our late 30s. We were married, had steady jobs/incomes and bought a little house and I'm glad we did. It meant that by the time we had our daughter we could really focus on her and enjoy her without all sorts of other things going on in the background.

Bellaposey · 02/04/2019 23:08

Sorry late 20s we had a baby. Not 30s!

Lilymossflower · 03/04/2019 02:12

I had a baby at 19 years old and it feels totally normal for me.

I can understand it can be different depending on where you live though, as different places have different cultures and social structures around age and having kids.
I do think we are biologically meant to have kids young though , so our reasons for having them older are culture or socially related

Fridasrage · 03/04/2019 03:06

You say you're not sure. Don't do it!

Go travelling. Find a job you really love. Try out 12 new hobbies. Watch someone else raise a toddler.

Then do it when the prospect seems very daunting. And you're sure.

cja06 · 03/04/2019 07:28

I would ask yourself, have you done everything else you would like to do? Obviously babies don't stop you from having a life but they can make things harder and more complicated.

I had my first at 23 and I don't regret it BUT there's a tonne of things I discovered I would like to do career wise, I wish I had travelled more etc and I'm now in a position where I can't do that until my children are older.

00100001 · 03/04/2019 07:34

21 biologically is a good age.
Just be sure that you know your life will change completely (not necessarily a bad thing!)
Do what you feel is right. If you think you and your bf can love and support a child for the next 18+ years,then go for it :)

Nameusernameuser · 03/04/2019 07:46

I was 20 when I had my son in 2017. Although unplanned I knew I had options and it took me about 7 weeks to decide what I wanted to do, I basically factored in whether I could cope if I was alone, where I would work after I had the baby and could I afford childcare. My mum was already part time because my sister is only young, and DPs mum had an 18 month old at the time. We talked long and hard, my mum had no plans to go back to work full time and said she'd be the childcare for my son, and I had no doubts she wouldn't follow through. It all worked out, I work 3 days a week in a job I LOVE, my mum has my son the 3 days I'm working so no childcare costs. Live with DP who has a good job with lots of progression and we rent a home so it all worked out. But have a think about what you'd do if you ended up a single mum and save for nursery if you won't have help with childcare.

Lost5stone · 03/04/2019 08:36

I had DD at 23. A bit factor for me was "can I afford this baby if DP left and never gave maintenance, without government help?" I could by 23 but wouldn't have been able to at 21.

needanappp · 03/04/2019 12:46

Me and my DP planned our first child when we were 21 (was 22 a week after he was born).

We had our own place, both worked and it was what we wanted. We could afford to provide for a child and were both on the same page with regards to wanting to try so that was what was important.

I will say though, as much as I love my DS to pieces, if I could go back and wait just several more years, I would. I feel DP and I could have owned a house (we've always rented) if we had a few more child free years to save. Also, I do wish I had a little more time as just a couple with my DP.

But being a mother is incredible. I now have a bright little 2 year old boy and a 9 week old little girl and wouldn't change it

FineFanks · 03/04/2019 13:36

I wouldn't, in my opinion, it's too young.

There is a LOT to learn in your twenties, no matter how mature you feel. There is valuable life experience that you gain.

I know you say you want it now and feel ready, but really what is the rush?

You'll be sacrificing a lot, in my opinion.

Frizzy1986 · 03/04/2019 13:36

I think to a point, age is pretty irrelevant. It's all about your relationship, financial security, if you rent but want to buy etc, your thoughts about your job, is there progression, are you career driven. Essentially are you prepared for the possibility that your life may somewhat be put on hold for a while.
There is no "right" age to have a child but it's bloody hard and you won't understand how hard it is until it happens (that is the same whatever age you are)
Just make sure you talk about it with your partner and are sure it's something you want to do. A child is for life so it's not a decision to take lightly, but just because you are young doesn't mean that you wouldn't do a great job.

Longislandicedme · 03/04/2019 15:14

I was 20 when I had my son in 2015. Unplanned but knew people my age who had babies at the same time and were planned. If you feel ready then go for it! I don’t think I missed out on anything by having a baby at the age I did but I know it’s not for everyone. If you feel ready then go for it, don’t be worried about what people think because there will always be someone with a negative opinion no matter what you do at what age!

Good luck!

Whoops75 · 03/04/2019 15:25

I had my first at 20 and while it wasn’t planned it wasn’t a disaster.
If I had my time again I would have waited a bit longer. There’s a weight of responsibility in being a parent that is harder than the nappies and night feeds and it never goes. Put it off and enjoy your carefree self for another while is my advice x

SoHotADragonRetired · 03/04/2019 16:21

Are you working or in education?

What job do you do and what job do you want to do?

How will you pay the bills after you have the baby? Will you return to work? Can you pay for childcare?

Do you intend to get married?

How will you and your BF divide the childcare and household responsibilities? Does he do 50% of the household duties now?

Are you able, financially, emotionally and practically, to cope with being a single parent if your relationship breaks down, as a relationship between two people in their early 20s is highly likely to?

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