A Dad to be: wanting to be great.

[Benjimoon]

Hello and welcome to my first Mumsnet post.

My GF is now 6 weeks pregnant, she's 35, I'm 38 and this the first child for both of us.

She is very much prone to depression and high anxiety so this has thus far been something of a minefield. My first priority once the baby is born is to be a great Dad (as it should be of course), but until then I am totally focused on being the best partner for her.

I suppose my question is, in order to be the best partner-in-pregnancy I can be, are there any titbits of advice mums would be willing to give me?

Thanks in advance! BJM.

Welcome!

First of all, good for you for thinking about this. Really thoughtful of you!

I'm 17 weeks pregnant with our first as well, and I would say the nicest/most appreciated things my DH (thats Dear Husband incase you're not au fait with the Mumsnet acronyms!) has done so far have been the little daily things like asking how I am feeling, bringing my cups of tea or glass of water or snacks etc, making sure he is around to carry things like shopping etc. He stocked up the house with ginger biscuits and Sprite when I was struggling with nausea.

When we first got our BFP result, he bought me some flowers and a lavender scented pillow spray. Just a nice treat :)

If you have a cat or anything, make sure you take over things like changing the litter, cleaning up after it. This is more a necessity than a nice gesture, but something you should start right away to keep baby safe.

He read up on the NHS guidelines on what food I shouldn't be having and makes sure our shopping lists/meals together dont include this so I dont feel like I'm missing out.

I have also really appreciated his interest in how the baby is developing, it means a lot to me that he wants to be involved and clued up as to what fruit it's the same size as each week etc.

He's come to my scans and midwife appts with me and always asks really good questions, things that wouldn't occur to me.

He often tells me thank you and says I'm doing a really good job of growing our little baby, which means a lot to me.

It's just little things like that that really mean a lot, and make this whole journey really exciting and enjoyable when the woman can feel really quite rubbish - with the tiredness, nausea and hormones, especially in the first 12 weeks.

He also bought me some non-alcholic white wine to take to a party we were going to, which was really sweet of him. Turns out the "wine" was rank but still a really nice gesture.

My advice is just be attentive and ask how she's feeling. I'm sure you'll be great, you sound like a really thoughtful partner.

Hi congratulations :)

I’m 19 weeks and I have to say for me it’s the morning sickness where I need help. Everything from dirty dishes, thinking about cooking, bins, strong smells or just being hungry kick it off.

Doing little things like getting a drink of water if she struggles, some plain biscuits like rich tea etc, taking over cooking and dishes for a bit all help immensely.

The tiredness also sucks but really that’s just keeping in mind she will be tired.

Benjimoon ...haven’t got time at the moment to give you a proper reply ...but ...you’re already doing it

Coming from someone 37 weeks pregnant, this would be my main advice.

You don't have to have a solution to everything. Sometimes she will just want to complain about how she's feeling or how uncomfortable she is, or something annoying someone has said. Let her complain and listen, don't immediately try to fix everything.

Hey, thanks for all the responses thus far, I've read them all and am definitely taking notes on all the things I'm not doing thus far.

The slight curve ball in this is that we don't technically live together yet (although that's due to be remedied in the not too distant future, probably the next couple of weeks in fact). This has mostly been down to her anxiety about sleeping enough on weeknights. I think it will be much easier for me to take over the little tasks once we live together. Being a teacher in a private school I also get a rather decent holiday package which means I'll have time to dedicate to her and the spud toward the end of the pregnancy.

I think the main issue for me is that I literally lack the ability to empathise with her situation. I can't imagine the hormone imbalances, or the notion that I'm growing a human in me, or the frightening idea that I have to squeeze it out of my pelvis later on.

That's probably why I turned to mums as a source of inspiration. You're bound to know the little things I can do that will help. Great ideas thus far so thank you.

:-)

BJM.

I think the main issue for me is that I literally lack the ability to empathise with her situation. I can't imagine the hormone imbalances, or the notion that I'm growing a human in me, or the frightening idea that I have to squeeze it out of my pelvis later on.

Of course you can't. So just be sure to ask her often how she is feeling, is there anything you can do for her, etc. She'll not expect you to know exactly what pregnancy is like but she'll appreciate you trying to alleviate any discomfort she's experiencing.

You'll be great. Just be there for her.

Ahhh @Benjimoon
How amazingly thoughtful!! I’m super impressed! I’ll have to tell my husband about your post! 😉
As mentioned before-you’re doing great already!
Let’s be honest...You’ll never really understand the hormones and the feeling (I’m not being rude! You’re a guy and won’t ever fully know these things) BUT... just remember that her body and mind are changing everyday and a lot of things she says or does won’t be meant or even her fault!
If she cries-give her a hug and listen to what she’s upset about-no matter how silly it sounds to you! (I cried at my mothers day card written by my 4 year old on Sunday!) Lol
If she’s angry-let her get it off her chest-chances are it’s nothing you’ve done! Don’t take it personally!!
You don’t have to solve every issue/problem for her! Being pregnant doesn’t mean she can’t operate but definitely be sincere if she needs help-so the not living together shouldn’t really be an issue right now.. if she was further along then perhaps!
I wish my husband would just remember sometimes that I’m working hard at carrying this baby and just being smiled at or hugged is enough sometimes. Good luck!

FineFanks:

Agreed completely. Will do, thanks for the heads up! And thanks for the vote of confidence.

BJM.

I think you should ask her how you can support her. Every woman is different and as you don’t live together yet her expectations from you might be different.

Don’t get too hung up about what you should be doing; just try and do whatever makes her happy