First visits from family

[coral13]

I'd like some advice as to what people normally do please.

In my head, parents come quite soon after baby is born but then equally go home.

The issue we have is that everyone lives at least an hour away.

My mum lives 2hr45 away and so will need to stay over night. However, she knows my husband only gets 2 weeks paternity leave and has said they will let us have some alone time with the baby and will come up afterwards.

My MIL lives just over an hour away. She is obsessed with babies and will want to come up ASAP. I don't have an issue with this in general but I don't want her staying overnight when I've literally JUST had the baby. She lives close enough that she could technically come for a day (we go to hers for the day).

Am I being unreasonable to say she can't stay but my mum can? Even though mine is coming way later on and lives so much further away??

My OH just says it's ages away (4 months) don't worry but at the same time, will make off the cuff comments which is why I'm getting stessed about it.

I should also add, if that there is a big family event on OH side the same month I give birth and the next month so MIL will get to see baby lots - whereas mine won't. So time with baby will even out very quickly.

I couldn't have had anyone stay overnight in the first few weeks, even at 6 months I'm a bit odd about it, but we only have a small house with a tiny spare room that the cot backs onto the dividing wall so I'd be stressed the guest would hear the crying etc.

Don't do it to yourself, book her into a hotel, Jxx

Neither needs to stay overnight. 2hrs45 mins is not that far. What does your husband want. Would he like his mother to stay?

I don't get why either need to stay tbh, my family live 2hrs away and drove you in the morning and back late afternoon. It was fine.

But if you want your mother in law to leave, your partner can tell her and it's fine to want your mum to stay if you want her too.

Basically don't over think this. It's not a big deal.

At a big family gathering it's not the same as seeing the baby one on one for your mil I'd add

We were 3 hours away from my family when I had DD1. Both parents (they’re divorced) came in the first week, neither stayed. They drove down early in the morning and back in the evening.
IL’s came from abroad and stayed in a nearby hotel. If your mum has to stay could she do that?
DC3 is 11 weeks and I’m just ‘allowing’ overnight visitors (SIL coming from abroad) and would still rather not to be honest, it’s hard work having someone in your space 24/7 with a baby (IMO anyway).

My mum would be happy to stay in a hotel if I asked (and to be honest may even offer to anyway).

By big family event I don't mean big in numbers, more it's important so we'll def be there. It won't be the same as one on one, hence why she will be seeing the baby before this but she will still be seeing more of it to begin with then my mum.

To be fair, my husband hasn't said he wants his mum overnight. But I don't know if I'm being unreasonable asking for that not to happen.

My mum is very practical about the whole thing and will probably spend some time with the baby and then will go and make herself 'useful' and or help with the garden etc. Whereas MIL will probably be more glued to us the entire time which is why I'm also slightly more stressed about one than the other.

I will be getting used to breastfeeding etc and as OH only has 2 weeks off I'm getting stressed about people being too "in our face" right at the beginning. While at the same time, understanding that people will obviously want to see it.

I just had my baby 8th March and have savioured the 2 weeks I’ve had with just hubby baby and dog! My family live 40 minutes away and so have been dropping by in the evening every few days and that’s been so so helpful with dinner etc but i couldn’t have dealt with someone being here constantly. Also our first and bonding was a priority of mine especially hubby who is back at work already & getting use to feeding times / breastfeeding / everything!

Can you try and tell them nicely to book a hotel surely they’ll understand?

My in laws are in New Zealand and thankfully understood without communicating that visiting right away is too much so will be visiting in a few months time.

Thank you sooooo much everyone!!!

Just spoke to husband and his reaction was "that's fine" so no need to worry.

He also said if his mum was to come overnight that she'd happily stay in a hotel too (and I know my mum would) so it's all good.

It's really helpful to know what you've all done before.

I know it will casually come up in convo when we see people so just want to make sure we are both on same page so we don't accidentally give people the wrong impression and then cause hurt nearer the time.

Firstly no yanu to want people staying. No matter how much they say they'll hope they're more likely to just sit there with baby.

Secondly, from how far you've said they live they don't need to stay over night. 3 hrs each way is easily done in a day and hour is just a trip to a supermarket.

Tbh, don't get too hung up on making it equal for parents. They need to put you first, if that means one of them gets 30 mins more in the first weeks, don't give it any thought. It's not worth it. Let them bicker if that's what they are like, but you'll have more important stuff on your mind then keeping a rota. This baby is going to be in their lives for the rest of their days, equalling up the newborn time is just not worth it and is going to give you more stress when you really don't need it.

Thank you.

The issue with my mum is that although 2hr45 is doable in a day both ways, they come from a small village and we live in a city, which they do find incredibly stressful driving wise. This is why I wouldn't expect them to do both ways in the same day. Even if they stayed in a hotel and left the next morning without seeing us the next morning - I'd be happier this way than them trying to do both in the same day.

Also with my mum, she will be coming up when my husband is back at work and if she's in a hotel, it basically won't affect my husband at all. It only affects me and quite chilled about her being here as she will just let me get on with stuff and will probably be out for hours each day with our dog. She won't just be fussing over us the whole time.

The reason I'm more stressed about his mum being here for a few days is that it will be when he's on paternity leave - and even if she stays for 1 night, that's already 2 days out of his 10 days off that are gone. And that's without anyone else visiting.

Very interested in this post!
My in-laws are local (20mins away) and my mum lives 4.5 hours away.
When my mum comes to visit it will require an overnight stay (possibly a couple!). But I would imagine she will hold off until DH goes back to work and will offer to be there to help while I'm on my own figuring out routines etc.
I feel like I will want my mum there for a short time to keep me sane. She'll also be cooking up a storm and generally doing 'mum' things!
However I'm not sure how comfy I will feel with in-laws popping in all the time early on while I'm on my own with the baby. I know it's hypocritical and I know they will be besotted with the baby as they are older and it's their first grandchild.
I like the point someone said about not trying to keep time evenly split. I have a habit of trying to do this because I know they can all get upset and feel left out of things.
Trying to keep all our families happy and seeing us regularly is hard going! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Coral, in the absolutely nicest possible way, you are catastrophising a bit here. 2 out of 10 days aren't gone if you have visitors. It's actually lovely to have peoplr coo over your baby, plus you can have a long bath and get some baby free time for 30 mins or whatever. You can set them to work by cleaning too, haha.

This isn't your problem to worry about. You'll be so preoccupied with your new baby, and trying to grab some sleep when you can, the best thing to do is tell your husband and all parents what you want. For example, "I'd rather no one stay in the first 2 weeks, I don't move people popping in but I'm not going to know how I'm feeling so would like a heads up below you set off so we can say if it's not a great time..." whatever you need to plan. Then just leave them to it. If they want hotels, or to do the journey in the same day, or just wait two weeks, it's up to them. Seriously try not to stress. You dont need it, they are adults and can decide themselves what they'd rather do. My best advice to you is

Brief your husband
Group text immediate family
Don't give it another thought

Best of luck xx

Move = mind
Below = before

Bloody phone!

I’m in the same situation so v interesting to read the replies and experiences! I’m 39 weeks pregnant.

My mum and dad are going to come by train (2 hrs door to door) and stay in a hotel at some point in the first few days so they can come and meet the baby. My mum will then come back when I need her too - she’s very flexible about this and will probably come when DH is back at work.

DH’s parents are divorced so there are two sets of grandparents/visits to organise on his side. They are all less than an hour away. Last night DH told me his mum wanted to come while I was in labour and wait in the waiting room at the hospital!! Fortunately he nipped this in the bud quite quickly, but apparently was a bit upset. I’m so lucky that DH gets it - I want to have those first precious hours together as a family of three and at least get myself together/showered/work out feeding and sort bleeding/pads etc before anyone else comes in. I also don’t want to be passing the baby around when I’ve not even had five minutes to look at him/her! I think it’s good to put boundaries down at the start - if she asks me directly I’m going to say, “We can’t wait to introduce you to your grandchild! We’ll let you know when we are ready for visitors.” And leave it at that.

@nowthenforever2019 it's not 'visitors', that's 2 days out of 10 on just one person. Then they'll be his other family that want to visit to - all for most of the day because of distances, not just 30min drop ins. If we're not careful and don't think it through beforehand, his 10 days will get used up very quickly.

It may be nice for people to coo over the baby, but they don't need to all do it in the first 2 weeks. After the 2 weeks are over, I couldn't really care less.

I can have a bath whenever I like when my husband is here - other people being here, won't make that any more likely.

@nightmanagerfan this is actually how the conversation started to come up last night hahaha!

Our friends who are pregnant and were at ours had a slight disagreement because she said her mum will want to visit straight away and he thought she meant waiting at the hospital (but she didn't). My husband agreed that his mum would want to come up ASAP so I nipped the hospital possibility in the bud straight away!

Also the reason I am trying to put my foot down with this is because my husband as a habit of booking time off work, and then instead of relaxing etc, will end up helping other people or getting dragged into stuff the whole time.

He's the sort that will always put others first, so if he thinks it will make other people happy, would sacrifice his PL leave for other people to spend time meeting baby.

However, he was actually the one of us who always dreamt of having a child and is really excited. I therfore want to make sure he does get the time he deserves to bond etc and get quality time, instead of always putting others feelings first.

@coral13 @Nightmanagerfan please don't put this idea in my head! I hadn't even considering anyone trying to sneak in a hospital visit!! 😱

My DD is six weeks and DH and I talked at the weekend about how we would do things again if we have a second. All of our visitors were lovely and not overbearing, but in hindsight I wish we'd reduced the amount we had, particularly on day 3 and 5 when my hormones changed. Even without having to do much, I was still 'hosting' which can be a bit draining. Make sure you book in some days with just the three of you to hunker down on your own and just be a new family together.

Ok, coral, I've been there, I've done it. I'm trying to help but if you don't want to accept advice from someone trying to help, that's up to you! Good luck controlling everyone!

Following with interest!

We're having my dad stay straightaway (though I suspect after one night on our, albeit very fancy, sofa bed he will up sticks to a naice hotel!); PILs are invited as soon as they can make it (live further away, need to arrange pet sitters) but not overnight. Sofa bed too small for two and also no, no, no, no, no.

Not bothered about being "fair" to them in terms of overnights/time spent with the baby, but about being fair to us! My dad will mow the lawn, cook, clean up, bring early morning cups of tea to us in bed, take on a million DIY jobs, go to the supermarket, do nappy changes, take photos, provide emotional support & I'd be comfortable doing skin to skin under my dressing gown with him around. PILs will sit in monk-like silence, outdoor coats still on, awaiting DP to offer them tea, try to inflict ten bin bags of baby tat onto us, and not relax til the TV's blaring. Dreading it.

So long as your baby gets a lifetime relationship with both sets of grandparents (assuming there are no psychopaths in the family), I don't think you have to clockwatch who gets how much time and when, or who got to meet the baby at whatever age. It's a marathon not a sprint, right?

Definitely a personal choice. My first was a crazy experience and I hated the immediate intrusion as I'd been in labour for days and the family just said to my husband as he let them know he was born that they were on the way and he was so excited he agreed... I'd not even considered this so he had no reason to think I'd mind but it was not fun for me at all. Having said that it didn't kill me and the next time was more chilled out and I got a few hours before anyone came to hospital, when I was home I didn't mind visitors so much but we visited others a lot more and we just left when we wanted. I'd not have fancied over nighters but parents I'd have been OK with, I say this now as I already have 3 kids so our house is chaos anyway. I know what you mean about treating parents equally I try to stick to this too, I'm a mother of boys and I'd be very hurt if I become a second class grandparent in future so I do my best to be very fair. Your post sounds like you really would like your mum to stay but not your mil and you're justifying it so maybe it doesn't sit well with you really? I'm not judging at all BTW, I think it's quite normal for most of us to want out mum more. Your husband seems relaxed though and you're only saying it for the 2 weeks which is fair enough and you're not banning her visit. Go with the flow anyway. It's a lovely time for you all. X @nowthenforever2019 that last post was a joke wasn't it? We all have different views and many of us have children and have been there so guessing it was. We all want advice but only ever will take that that is right for us. X

@Justus22 I think it would be different if they both living the same distance away but I think my MIL coming for the day far less stressful/inconvenient for her than my mum. We do also have a family event 16 days after my due date so she will also be seeing her then too so quite close together (especially if I'm late).

I do think I'm more chilled about my mum being here for 2 days but it is because although she really wants a grandchild and is excited, she's far less likely to fuss over me/us. She will spend time with the baby and then will take the dog out for long walks etc. She's already said that when they come up, my step dad will paint the fence for us haha. It's not that I want them to do things for us, but more the fact, this means they won't just be fussing and holding the baby the whole time. She also automatically offered to come up after the 2 weeks are up for my husband - so this means I don't feel any pressure from them.

Whereas MIL, is baby mad and I can imagine will want to hold the baby the entire time it's not breastfeeding. I have less issues with this after the 2 weeks paternity leave but if she's here too much in those 2 weeks, it does take away from my husbands and our time together and I'm so conscious of that. I have no issues with what so ever but because she is so baby mad and I know she wants to come up as soon as she can - I feel more pressure that if we're not careful, we'll lose our special time.

I'm less fussed about in terms of my own time with the baby as although I know it's important, I work for myself from home so I can basically do what I want, when I want. Whereas my husband only has 2 weeks.

I'm also adamant that I only want one child - so we can't learn from it for next time and just really want to make sure that he gets everything from it that he deserves.

After the 2 weeks are up and he's back at work, I'm pretty chilled on what happens.