Hello all and congratulations ♡ Ill start with this-
I feel okayish as of writing this- im nearly 8 weeks pregnant and had the a plethora of symptoms you name it ive experienced it, food aversions, super strong sense of smell,blocked nose,weepy,fatigued,bloating,really hot,dryheaving, sickness, vivid dreams, also a GREAT one had hemorrhoids since literally day one (before BFP). To top it all off ive had a lovely cycle of depression (woohoo) I do know the difference between depression and regular pregnancy symptoms- i wont go into them here but to cut a long story short ive had suicidal thoughts. Ive not been on any social media for nearly a month inc MN and everything feels wrong.
I was in a good place while we were ttc, but im not sure i can handle it if the depression comes back again. I have been depressed in the past at various times although i have managed to claw my way back to some kind of normalcy each time. Not unscathed. Its always sort of been there in the back of my mind, you know? I noticed some things the past few weeks, not taking care of myself that well-putting on actual clothes/makeup/doing my hair, not spending alot of time out of the house and doing alot of shutting people out and just on auto pilot. Quitting and restarting jobs and having time off because i just couldnt cope. Realised its been like this since ttc in july 2018. I have 2 children youngest is 7 next month, looking back i must have had depression starting early in both those pregnancies too.
I'm having very vivid dreams of miscarrying in different stages of pregnancy and ive had a horrible nightmare where i performed a CS on myself and one where i just let myself fall off a building holding my belly - the anxiety is very real- and im terrified.
Not sure if the extra hormones have anything to do with these feelings/dreams. Dh thinks im being ridiculous and doesnt really get depression although he has "tried" he just doesnt understand how i cant just switch it off. I would feel so embarassed to bring this up with MW havent even met her or had an appointment yet.
I'm not looking for harsh words or nastiness ive had enough of those from family- i guess i dont know just some kind words of support or reassurance or something?
Again typing this please know that right now i feel okayish (apart from the sickness i can deal with the rest) im scared it will come back again and obviously i am aware that im a prime candidate for postnatal aswell i really didnt think id ever feel like that again.
Has anyone ever felt anything remotely similar in anyway at all? I just want someone to talk to tbh x everyones story is so different and alot of the time heartbreaking to hear what youve all been through and still come out the end of it ♡♡ 
and i know im so lucky to have 2 children and being pg again but i just feel like such a shit mum. I want to enjoy my kids and not be a miserable bastard 