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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I resent my baby

23 replies

Thesepreciousthings · 14/03/2019 09:32

Please no one flame me for this post, it’s taken me a lot of balls to create it.

Bit of background. This is an unplanned pregnancy but became a very happy accident and up until Saturday I have been very excited to meet my baby. I am currently 28 weeks. I am being monitored daily by the local antenatal clinic with reduced (read no) movements. I have bipolar disorder and am under the care of the perinatal mental health team.

The last few days I have been in despair. I cannot stop crying. Every time the baby’s movement is picked up on the movement I have started to hate it. I feel like I want to walk away from the pregnancy. I feel disconnected and resentful and I can’t articulate why. Last week I felt like I was ‘doing pregnancy wrong’ because I wasn’t feeling movement for days at a time, I was grateful for the extra support from the midwives at the hospital. Now I hate it, I cry my eyes out constantly and become very distressed when I’m asked about the baby. I have a scan today and I am dreading seeing the baby again. I want to deny his existence.

Perinatal psychiatrist has been in touch and offered me a bed in the mother and baby unit but I just don’t want to go. I have been in various psych wards many, many times and I always hate it. I don’t want to be away from home and away from my partner. I need him at the moment.

I don’t know what to do. I feel ashamed, guilty and terrified.

OP posts:

GlitzandGlamxx · 14/03/2019 10:05

@Thesepreciousthings all I can say is you feel like this now but as soon as your baby is placed into your arms an overflow of love will come over you. It's the best feeling in the world. He's inside you at the moment so you are resenting something you've only saw on a screen. When he's out I'd be surprised if you still felt the same x mental health can make the loveliest things feel like the worst, it's draining. but when he's here it could really help you as you have something to focus on for the rest of your life

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho · 14/03/2019 10:08

PP - that flow of love you’re talking about doesn’t always happen. Particularly in mothers with MH issues. Rather stupid and dangerous thing to say IMO.

OP - go to the mother and baby unit. They are not your typical psych ward, I promise. If they’ve offered you a place then your condition must be really serious as beds there are as rare as hens teeth. Go. Feel better.

GlitzandGlamxx · 14/03/2019 10:09

@ThatFalseEquivalenceTho dangerous and stupid? It was an opinion not a stated fact. How do you know? I have mental health and that's what I felt when I had my little girl. Don't be so quick to jump on to my thread thinking I don't know what I'm talking about. It's different for everyone. But in my case that is what I felt even despite the fact of My MH.

GMtoBe · 14/03/2019 10:11

Agree with thatfalse, PP advice is really unhelpful. Not everyone gets the rush of love.

Go to the mother and baby unit. They will help you to start to feel better.

RLOU30 · 14/03/2019 10:11

@GlitzandGlamxx

I’m sorry but that’s simply not true. Many, many women never feel the “instant rush of love” I didn’t at all and felt shit for it because everyone says you should. It took me 6 months to look at my baby and feel the love rush. People should talk about this more and how it’s okay to not fall in love isntantly with your baby. It’s mentally damaging to assume what you what you say.
OP please don’t feel shit I felt like you at times and the truth is pregnancy and being a new mum can be bloody hard. Even harder when pregnancy doesn’t go smoothly. I had a placenta abruption and my baby was born early and I spent a lot of time being monitored. It’s difficult x
I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by speaking to as many professionals as you can and take any help given. I did and it helped
Most importantly he kind to yourself you are human and your feelings matter.
Good luck darling x

GlitzandGlamxx · 14/03/2019 10:13

@GMtoBe I didn't say everyone did lol it's my opinion with my MH, everyone. Is. Different.

Samind · 14/03/2019 10:13

OP I can't imagine what you to through on a day to day basis never mind having all these extra hormones right now. Best thing is to seek out support that's right for you and to keep talking! Have they changed your meds since being pregnant?

Moonchild23 · 14/03/2019 10:14

What you’re going through sounds really hard and I just want to say you’re not doing pregnancy wrong x everyone has their own experience and baby having reduced movements is likely nothing to do with anything you’re doing.
It sounds like initially that’s what triggered you feeling this way and now its overwhelming to have constant attention and focus on the baby?
I understand not wanting to be away from your partner but sounds like the psychiatrist is taking you seriously which is positive? Is there a middle ground you can meet on for now which means staying at home but getting more support/talking therapy?
I know many people who have been pregnant (with no previous mental health involvement) who have resented the baby/regretted getting pregnant. You are moving through a huge change and it’s ok for that to bring some stuff up for you.
Not sure how you feel about meditation but it might help to sit with your hands on your belly and connect with baby in your own way. It’s udnertsnadable to feel disconnected when you can’t feel them but are constantly being monitored and having them picked up on the screen x

GlitzandGlamxx · 14/03/2019 10:15

@RLOU30 I'm not assuming anything ? I think it's quite obvious that everyone is different are they not? OP has MH I've got MH this was my opinion of how I felt when I had my baby you don't know if she will get that feeling or not? How do you know she won't? Only she will know. It's just advice.

RLOU30 · 14/03/2019 10:15

Glitz

You said :

all I can say is you feel like this now but as soon as your baby is placed into your arms an overflow of love will come over you

If you meant that’s how you feel you should have worderd your OP very different.

GMtoBe · 14/03/2019 10:15

@GlitzandGlamxx I think it's the fact that you presented it to the OP that this will happen rather than your opinion which was the issue. Any way I'm going now because I don't want to derail the thread. I really hope you get the help you need, OP.

RLOU30 · 14/03/2019 10:16

GLITZ

I didn’t say she wouldn’t I said I didn’t and don’t assume you will. Do you not understand the difference ?

GlitzandGlamxx · 14/03/2019 10:16

@RLOU30 you can't edit a comment hence why I've explained further on that was my PE

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/03/2019 10:17

I have bipolar disorder and am under the care of the perinatal mental health team.

Do you have the headspace right now to tell yourself that it's the bipolar talking? Are you still taking your meds?

Do this one minute at a time. It's hard but it's not impossible and you're living with bipolar, you're thriving, so you're good at this.

What time is your scan? Can your partner be with you?

RLOU30 · 14/03/2019 10:17

Not that it matters but if you see my previous threads you will see that I have MH too an anxiety disorder which got worse after the birth of my son. By all means share your story but just don’t make it gospel.

Stormwhale · 14/03/2019 10:19

Keep talking to the perinatal team op. Tell them everything. They have seen it all before and will be able to comfort you.

I had a lot of negative feelings towards my first pregnancy. I was in a very bad way mentally and barely got through it. It did work out ok though, and for me my feelings towards my baby while I was pregnant were no way related to the way I would feel about her when she was born.

I very much understand the feeling of wanting to run away from the pregnancy. I felt so trapped and scared it was awful, but my story had a happy ending and there is a chance yours could too.

Hang in there, take all the support and care you can from the perinatal team and Just take it tiny bit by tiny bit.

GlitzandGlamxx · 14/03/2019 10:20

@RLOU30 that's completely fine everyone reacts different. Gospel it? Erm ok .. I haven't got a "story" to share as I don't think I'd do that especially on someone else's post

Elmo311 · 14/03/2019 10:20

I don't have much advice for you OP but i am sending you hugs (if you like hugs) and you can always talk to us!
It's an emotional time, take the care offered as you need the support right now. I agree with what someone else said though, i never had that "flow of love' or whatever it is when my son was born, it took a while until i felt it.. so don't put any pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. No one is judging you.

It's nervewracking as an unplanned pregnancy (and even when it is planned it still is scary!) Have you bought anything for your baby boy? Maybe buying something small will help bond you to him a bit?

Not sure on that advice though, just an idea xxxx

RLOU30 · 14/03/2019 10:24

I think we are derailing OPs thread.
I’m glad you want to change your OP I stand by everything I put in my first post.

Leleophants · 14/03/2019 12:14

You are doing a really positive thing by being honest with how you feel and getting the help that you can. Remember how these feelings can and will fluctuate. It sounds like you really need some respite and some love. It's also ok to just want a bit of a rant!

alwaysncxx · 14/03/2019 12:18

Please take any help you can lovely, it will do you the world of good and will help you to feel better before baby arrives

Everyone is around to support you. Good luck

10IAR · 14/03/2019 12:22

Oh OP, what a horrible time you're having

Please do take the help, the mother and baby unit won't be like other psych wards. They want to help you to be well and to bond with your baby and for you to be ok.

That rush of love happens sometimes, sometimes it doesn't. Don't put too much pressure on yourself either way, the immediate priority has to be your mental health.

I get it, I really do.

Ribbonsonabox · 14/03/2019 12:33

Mother and baby wards arent like other mental health wards. Theres been a lot of money and attention poured into them recently, dont be frightened of them.
If you feel youd be better at home with your partner though then do that but keep talking honestly about what you are feeling..
I suffered from pre natal depression then post natal psychosis with the birth of my son (unplanned an unexpected) which then turned into longer term pnd.
The thing it's important to keep sight of is that the terrible way you feel is NOT GOING TO LAST FOREVER. That sounds simple but I know from experience how hard it is to convince yourself of that.
I used to fantasise about drowning myself and my baby in the river pretty much every day and when I wasnt thinking about that I was constantly obsessing over all the terrible things that might happen... I just couldn't stop thinking these things and feeling that way even though it horrified me. Throughout the pregnancy I was terrified and disconnected.
It helped to just sort of accept that it was just something I was going through and I would get through it and feel different eventually. I had a lot of help from the perinatal mental health team, they were honestly wonderful... they've heard it all before and they wont judge you however horrific you think what you are thinking is.
For me what helped massively was to compare it with a physical illness... if you had the flu you wouldn't expect to feel awful for the rest of your life would you? And you wouldn't get angry and feel guilty that you let yourself have the flu!? You are ill right now and it will take some time to get through this... but you WILL get through it to the other side. You have help and support around you and it really will be okay in the end. just keep taking the support offered and keep talking.

My son is 4 now and I love him immeasurably. Although it did take longer than predicted to bond with him as a baby because I was so ill, it's not affected our bond long term. I've also since had a daughter who is 8 months and with who I did not even develop PND at all.

Be kind to yourself OP

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