Reluctant dad-to-be?

[loulamay]

Hi everyone. I'm very new here so I've no idea what all these abbreviations and acronyms mean I'm afraid. Is there a link somewhere?

I'm 39 and have been with my wonderful partner for 2.5 years. Since we met he's known it's important to me to have children, but for him, it's not as important, and he's concerned (quite rightly) about how children will prohibit his free time. He's just launched a new business and although it's going well I think he's also concerned about the financial side of life.

He's agreed that we can start TTC (that acronym I know!) and I am having my IUD removed next week, have been taking prenatal vitamins and am assured by my Gynae that everything looks very healthy in terms of ability to conceive, plus I froze my eggs at 35 so we have something of a back up.

Since agreeing that we can start trying, I'm feeling something different to what I expected. I thought I'd be leaping for joy since this is something I've always wanted, but I'm feeling more concerned that it's not as important to him as it is to me.

We're about to get a puppy and he's very excited about that, I have a good job that I know can financially support a child even if he can't be the main breadwinner, and he's extremely loving, caring and attentive, so I'm pretty damn sure he'll make an amazing father. We both come from very close families that are really important to us.

Do any of you have any stories that sound like mine? I read so often that men aren't conditioned to be interested in pregnancy and only become 'fathers' when the baby is born, but what if he's still indifferent once the baby comes along? What if he doesn't become the doting Dad that I hope he will?!

I realise since we're not pregnant yet I'm getting slightly ahead of myself but I just wanted to voice my concerns here in the hope of finding others in the same boat.

Thank you to anyone reading.

x

Yes our situation was similar, partner was sure he wanted kids but always ‘not yet’. He agreed to start trying as a compromise rather than wait another year or so but I knew he didn’t feel as ready or as excited as I was.
Fast forward a couple of months when I fell pregnant and after it sank in (couple of hours) he is over the moon and can’t wait for baby to arrive.
It’s hard to know how he’ll feel about it or what kind of dad he’ll be - have you spoke to him about your worries? The fact he’s willing to ttc shows he’s open to kids but it sounds like he has some understandable and common worries

OP, your partner sounds like my husband! We haven't really been actively TTC but we haven't been preventing it; just letting nature take its course IYSWIM (if you see what I mean ). I thought I'd be really relaxed about it but have been so anxious every month when my period is due, and always gutted to find I'm not pregnant. This month I had a couple of ambiguous pregnancy tests and one negative one, followed by a positive! (And then about 8 more positives to confirm haha!) I'm really excited but he's taking a long time to get his head around it. He also set up his own business about 2 years ago and his initial reaction was "I don't want to lose my business because of the baby". I think he's just daunted by how unknown it all is (it's our first) - he knows his life will be turned upside down and is imagining all the worst ways that could happen.
I suspect there is a small, guilty part of him that hopes I might miscarry - though he would never voice that as he knows I would be devastated. It makes me really sad that he doesn't share my excitement, but I'm trying to give him time to process it, as we only found out about a week ago.
We had talked about having kids, and we both wanted to (though it was more important to me), but I think the reality has caught him off guard.
Anyway, just thought I'd let you know there are definitely others in the same boat!

My husband didn't want children in the same way I did but knew it was part of the deal in being with me. Anyway we now have a 2.5 yr old and a 1 yr old and he is the best dad in the world. He adores our children and it makes me love him even more than I did before as he is the only other person who gets our kids like I do. Don't over think or worry about it. It's bloody hard work having kids (especially two so close in age) but it's the beat thing I've ever done and I recon my husband would agree with that too.

I was desperate for kids, OH not so much and it was a few years of discussions and waiting for him to be ready and even then I don’t know if he was 100% sure. When I first told him I was pregnant he was worried and scared but after a few weeks he started to get really excited and when we found out the gender he started buying little outfits. I think just talk to your partner, some people are just not as confident about knowing what they want?

Thank you all! So good to hear I'm not alone. I think I went into a bit of a panic mode, wondering if maybe he would change his mind the next day or something, but he's been nothing but normal and loving ever since so I think he's fine. If/when we get pregnant he might have a moment, but I'm prepared for that - and let's be honest, parenthood is scary for everyone, even those that want it!!! I think him agreeing is making it real for me!

As a slight aside, did the reluctant Dads come to appointments with you etc once you were pregnant?

@loulamay my husband said if a man gets over excited about having a baby he is full of shit 😂 he said its very different for a man because he isn't carrying the baby but it is 100% different once baby is here xx

My other half was keen to be a dad and didn’t come to any of my appointments other than the scans! Midwife appointments are pretty boring (BP, urine test and quick feel/listen to baby) so there wasn’t really any point in him coming. Please don’t think not coming to appointments is a sign that he doesn’t want the baby!

My bf has been to my scans but not to the midwife appts because I told him not to bother as they’re boring and not sentimental at all!
I think as women when we’ve been so excited to get pregnant that we imagine how the whole process will be but in reality it isn’t always like that- there’s another human involved who has their own feelings too.
The fact he’s been loving and normal with you I don’t think you have anything to worry about ❤️

Aww I’m glad he’s been good now. My OH came to the scans but not the midwife appointments - they are pretty boring. I dragged him to a couple of ante natal classes because I didn’t want to go on my own! He didn’t enjoy it though (I kind of didn’t either!)