Unplanned pregnancy and my boyfriend doesn’t want to keep it, now I don’t want to be with him

[Becksiee]

I’m 10 weeks pregnant, 25 years old my boyfriend is 22 and we’ve been together over 3 years.

Since finding out I’m pregnant he has told me so many times that he doesn’t want the baby and doesn’t understand why I want to keep it as it was unplanned. Even going so far as to bring his mum to my home a few days after taking the test to try and talk me round to his way of thinking. They both said to ‘think of it as a few cells’ that I’m terminating, which I found so hurtful and a termination isn’t something I would consider. A week after this he then said he’d stick by me no matter what but has since had another wobble and has said he doesn’t want the baby because of the financial pressure, the change in our relationship and because he just doesn’t want one. I feel like I’ve lost all respect and love for him and would rather just do this on my own as I know I want to keep it and feel no support from him.

We don’t live together and I drive 45 minutes to see him in once in the week and at weekends (it’s hard to get him to come to my home). We discussed living together at his place but this isn’t something I want as I would be isolated from my family, who are incredibly supportive and have been looking after me due to Hyperemesis and the emotional upheaval I’m going through with my boyfriend. I wouldn’t be able to work if I lived with him (I’m self employed and all my clients and workspace are at my home) and I would be living with a boyfriend who doesn’t actually want the baby. He won’t consider moving to where I live at all.

All of these things aside in my heart I know I want this baby and that I don’t really want to be with him because of how badly he has reacted to the pregnancy. The fact that I feel this way about him now is so confusing as we were very much in love and supportive of one another until now. I can’t even talk about any midwife appointments or scans without him clamming up and breaking down.

I’ve told him that if he doesn’t want to be involved then he doesn’t have to be, that I don’t want anything from him but that if he changes his mind I won’t stop him being involved. Am I being too hard on him? I just can’t handle anymore ups and downs with him and want to concentrate on me and the baby

Well done for making your decision that you want this baby. It's absolutely not anyone else's place to try and persuade you to their way of thinking. So well done for sticking to your guns. In terms of your partner, you can't make him change his mind either! But I would just say, you've made your decision and you will be keeping this baby with the support of your family and you'd love for him to be as involved as possible. But you do need to recognise that he may never come round to the idea. That being said, he's 22 which is young for a guy! My (now husband) was 24 when we found out I was pregnant with our first - he totally shut down! He was scared of losing his social life and was only just starting out on his career, I just left him to it and he soon caught the same excitement that I had, admitting he was just scared but knew there was nothing he could do. He's now an amazing dad and baby 2 is on the way. So just give it time but don't force anything, concentrate on you!! And if your partner decides in time that he can do this then that's a bonus!

In your situation i would do the exact same thing you are doing. Yes for some women a termination would be preferable but for others it isnt an option and you shouldnt feel guilty for wanting to keep the baby despite circumstances. I am already a single parent and have another on the way, i wasnt seeing the father for very long but we were long-term friends so when he suggested an abortion in the words of 'can't you just take a pill as it isnt really anything yet' meaning it's just a bunch of cells and not a baby, i was shocked. But i've decided to carry on with the pregnancy regardless and have fantastic support from family. If it wasn't for my family maybe i'd think twice, but if your family are fully supportive then that'll make things 10x easier for you.
I'm nearly 35 weeks now and the father hasn't contacted me since i told him at around 5/6 weeks, i know that if he turned around and apologised i would want nothing to do with him, but of course would never stop him seeing his child. I'm sure it is different for you having been with him for so long in terms of feelings and you may find after a few weeks/months as he gets used to the idea that he may change the way he feels. But you have to do what you feel is right and if you dont want to be with him based on the way he's reacted and treated the pregnancy then i dont see a problem with that and i know that i would do exactly the same.

Concentrate on yourself and your pregnancy, lean on your family who sound very supportive and save up every penny you can now to fund your maternity leave and baby purchases nearer the time (eBay is the best!).

Whatever he says in the months to come (and if it was me I’d break up with him now and not contact him at all) don’t put his name on the birth certificate and do give the baby your surname.

If he steps up in the future he can apply to the courts to have his name added. Whether he turns out to be dad of the year or disappears, you only have to have a quick read on here to see the bitter regrets of women who gave their children the dad’s name.

Don’t say you won’t ask for anything from him because he’ll owe his child maintenance which you can arrange through the CMS as soon as the baby is born. Easy to say now that you want to go it alone financially but that’s not how it should work and the money is for the child.

Thank you guys for your comments I’ve been doubting myself so much and so guilty about how my feelings for my boyfriend have changed. Just want to start moving forward

if you're self employed and your home is your workspace, how is that going to work when you have a baby/go on mat leave?

I say this because if you're going to go it alone you need to be practical. You're very young (to me, at any rate), you'll be a single parent and you presumably will have nothing bar statutary mat pay. It doesn't sound ideal to me.

Just to add, a friend of mine has just had her second baby, she works from home. She has 2 under 2 and working from home has been amazing for her as she can squeeze in work here and there for extra money. I wouldn't let that be a problem for you x

You don’t need to justify breaking up with him. He hasn’t treat you very well at all and his mum is absolutely shocking . You also sound very mature and sensible, definitely don’t move away from your support network and work.

You have made your decision and it’s final, he needs to accept that and move forward from here. Hopefully he comes around to it eventually, for some men it takes actually meeting the baby before they can accept it. If not, it sounds like you have your head screwed on and will do absolutely fine.

You have nothing to feel guilty for love

When you find out you’re pregnant something shifts and your priorities can change in a heartbeat. That’s normal and healthy. It would be more of a worry if you weren’t affected by his behaviour and were pretending nothing had changed or burying your head in the sand.

You don’t want to look back at your pregnancy and wish you’d spent more time focusing on yourself, your baby and your future and less time letting this man child occupy your head and heart while he tries to bully you or hassle you or spend his time flip flopping about what to do.

You’re not doing anything wrong. Just make sure you have worked out exactly how you are going to fund yourself if self employed. And he should certainly be paying maintenance as it is for the child not you.