Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

Rant about my useless bf

17 replies

Kylieemilyj · 04/03/2019 16:32

ive posted a similar thread before but i feel its got worse. Im now almost 31 weeks pregnant, still working FT (37+ hours a week). I feel i never have any energy to do anything, tidying up, housework etc, but my partner is USELESS! his gaming and TV is the only thing that matters, and he spends all weekend at the pub (but hes really good when it comes to me needing a cuddle etc), I have a day off today and planned to do so much but i have no energy to tidy up constantly! I still havent set the nursery up or packed hospital bags or brought half the things i need but no energy. I just want support from my partner but he just says he will help tomorrow and then it doesnt happen! Ive tried everything, leaving it to get messy, doing it all and overworking myself, other people have also commented on it but nothing seems to make him realise hes going to be a father in about 9 weeks! We do the same amount of hours roughly at work, my job is more physically demanding than his and im growing a human too, but hes constantly complaining hes tired! I wish i could disappear off to the pub or sit and watch TV all day (which tbf ive been doing that today im exhausted after a weekend at work....)

Sorry I had to have a rant about everything!

OP posts:

physicskate · 04/03/2019 16:49

Would lists work? I ask dh to leave me lists of things that need doing. It helps me to not get distracted by other things. If you left him a list and said another was coming the next day (so he can't let them stack up)??

Otherwise, is it really going to be constantly looking after him and the baby? Does he provide you with the emotional support you need? What if you have a c section? Does he know what you expect of him?

Cherim90 · 04/03/2019 16:57

I'd sit him down and say to him that you need his support and to come to an agreement of who does what, you're growing a human and he should be helping more to make things easier for you, when the baby is here he won't be able to do this and he shouldn't be leaving it all to you it's not fair xx

Original poster

Kylieemilyj · 04/03/2019 17:00

I do keep joking around that its like having a child at home already... i am dreading him if i have to have a c section, luckily my family are pretty good and have said they will come round to be with me and do bits while my partner is at work (he wont get paternity leave at the time because he wont have been at his job long enough, he can only take a weeks holiday) but they are expecting him to pull his weight when bubs gets here. He acts like a single man or a teenager honestly. I dont know how much more i can take.

OP posts:

Nathansmommy1 · 04/03/2019 17:09

I think a serious chat is needed about how this can't continue and you need help. My dh isnt great around the house but we have set jobs that he has to complete and got a little whiteboard/notice board and put reminders on it for him so he can't say he 'forgot'. I also asked hin that before he sits down for the evening could he just give me 5 mins to ask if theres anything i need help with. I had to laugh this morning, dh came down to get breakfast, saw the dishwasher needed unloading and the sink full of cups/bowls. He said 'How did this happen I only unloaded it yesterday?' I said what do you think, if you unload it just once that it never has to be done again?? When they've never had to do housework before they can be clueless as to how it works!

Snowflake9 · 04/03/2019 17:19

Your partner is being seriously selfish. I am afraid to say I doubt things will change. With a baby it's going to be a lot worse. He will complain more that he is tired, has to work, been at work all day whilst you are home with the baby so why should he have to do anything ?

Cuddles are great and emotional support is great but his complete lack of responsibility towards you is not right. Cuddles don't cook the dinner, hoover or clean. I could understand if he works constantly but to say he goes to the pub or watches TV? Sheer laziness.

I would take the wires out of the games console until he actually does something adult like and helps you around the house. You are supposed to be a team! You are going to be the mother to his child. You aren't his mother, so stop acting like it.
Give him two choices, buck up of get out.

Handsfull13 · 04/03/2019 17:35

He's being seriously selfish and you need to call him out on it before it gets worse.
When he says tomorrow remind him he said that yesterday so get to it.

You need to get sorted yourself as well so write a list of what needs doing and what you need him to do and what you can sort yourself.

Hospital bag and baby stuff order it online and get delivered so you can sit in front of the tv and pack it all up.

Set time limits on things so they get done. Both take yourself away from the tv and sofa and spend 30 mins sorting out the nursery. Doing things in small doses often will help accomplish things. And setting time limits creates a feeling of not getting bogged down doing too much so it's manageable.

If he can't get off his games enough to help you now he isn't going to bother with a baby.

And no amount of awesome cuddles will make up for leaving you sleep deprived with a baby to piss off to the pub all weekend so I'd be having a chat about expectations for when the baby comes.

LovingLola · 04/03/2019 17:37

This won’t get any better
I think you need to gear yourself up for single parenting. He’s a complete waste of space

PiebaldHamster · 04/03/2019 17:44

This isn't funny. He's an adult. Don't take over mothering and mithering him with lists and chats. He knows damn well he's useless. He doesn't give a shit. He won't change. I'd prepare to be a lone parent. 'I'm not interested in being in a relationship with a child. I've tried to talk to you about pulling your weight in life (it is not 'helping') and you don't want to know. I'm going to my family's now.' And honestly, I'd leave. It'll be so much less stressful without his lazy arse around making a mess.

CountessVonBoobs · 04/03/2019 17:46

What hamster said. Unfortunately you've reproduced with a manchild and they don't change. I think he needs to be your ex-boyfriend.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 04/03/2019 17:51

Was he always this lazy?

crosser62 · 04/03/2019 17:57

I couldn’t be fucked with this to be honest.
He would need to be gone and be useless somewhere else.

You are going to be getting a whole lot more tired soon, why waste energy on something not worth wasting energy on?

If you have good, solid and dependable family around you, just crack on with them.

Life is short, don’t waste precious time on a dead dog.

Iflyaway · 04/03/2019 18:06

This won’t get any better I think you need to gear yourself up for single parenting. He’s a complete waste of space

I agree.

I do keep joking around that its like having a child at home already...

You are right. And it won't be a joke when the baby has arrived.

Please start putting your time and energy into you and your baby ONLY! because you know inside he is a deadbeat

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 04/03/2019 20:25

Hate to say it but I agree with @hampster. This isn’t actually funny, you should seriously consider your options going forward as I don’t think he’s going to change.

Snowflake9 · 06/03/2019 07:35

OP? How did it go?

Ccec · 06/03/2019 07:55

If you've posted a similar thread before then i may have posted something similar in reply so apologies if i have :)
My ex was exactly the same when i moved in with him shortly after our child was born. He had a full time job and i worked part-time and went to uni the other days so i was always out of the house too. He worked a pattern of one week at work and one week off (but could do the odd day of overtime on his week off which he sometimes did) so basically he had a potential week off where he would be home all day and yet he didnt look after our son while i was at work/uni, i had to take him to my mums while he slept and played games all day, he was completely obsessed with his playstation. At weekends he went out every weekend without fail and spent the next day recovering in bed with a hangover. It's no exaggeration when i say in the 2 1/2 years i lived with him not ONCE did he get up in the mornings with our son or do any housework or ever do a load of washing. Living with him was basically like having another child that i let walk all over me.
I'd love to be proved wrong and that things dont turn out that way for you but in my opinion men dont change and if he can treat you this way now, it certainly won't change when the baby is born.

instagland · 06/03/2019 09:10

If I think my OH is being a bit slack, I tend to list the things I've done that day so he is aware of it (some guys just think the cleaning fairy pays a visit and don't see the difference between clean and dirty), then say 'so would you mind just doing this....., I'm in a lot of pain and exhausted by this pregnancy, it should only take 10 mins....I have also made it clear I find laziness very unattractive! As it happens my OH is pretty good with chores, but I do have to ask him for help sometimes as I'm currently heavily pregnant too. I still do more than him, but I am more particular about things and when I want it done, I tend to want it done yesterday and not in a week's time.

Sometimes you have to word things differently so it doesn't come across as 'nagging' (a lazy person's favourite word). If he doesn't change though despite this, then I'm not sure he ever will. Some people just don't grow up unfortunately.

Moonchild23 · 06/03/2019 22:20

Tell him what you want him to do and when by. As infuriating as it is, some men need explicitly telling in order to see what’s staring them in the face. If he doesn’t then do what you’ve asked, you can make a point.
I don’t know how bad it is for you and by the signs of it he meets your needs in other ways? Just be really clear about what you need x

Flip