How to tell a friend struggling to conceive I'm pregnant again...

[Mamato1]

Hi,
I currently have 2 young children and have recently found out I'm pregnant with baby #3. All of my children have been conceived very easily and this one was a surprise, a welcome one at that.
My closest friend has been having issues with conceiving a baby and I'm anxious about telling her as really don't want to upset her.
Does anyone have any experience with how to tell your best friend this news is the most sensitive way possible please? I love her so much and I know she'll be happy for us but I also know it'll add to the heartbreak she's been dealing with. Help would be very much appreciated.
Thanks

Hi @mamato1, congratulations on your pregnancy. I’ve read a few similar threads in the past couple of months and even posted one myself as I’m expecting my first baby and had two friends struggling to conceive who I was worried about telling. The general consensus across the threads is usually that the kindest way to share the news is by text to give them time to process the news before responding or having to see you and put on a brave face. This is what I did and I got lovely replies from my friends, and I know that although they are sad for themselves, they are happy for me. Your friend will be too. xx

Hi Mamato.
I am in your friend’s position and it’s lovely of you to check. Please understand that her feelings really aren’t to do with you or your baby but about how much she wants what you have.
Absolutely send a message first so she can process in private and be excited for you in words first. I know this sounds selfish but I wouldn’t mention the words “easy” “surprise” or anything that shows it just happened. I wouldn’t say about how you know this will happen for her soon either, because as she knows only too well nobody can know that.
Let her lead the conversation after that.
If it helps, I find announcements and other people’s pregnancies hardest but when their actual kids appear it’s easier.

I've been in your shoes with my first dd and it's shit I don't think there's any good way around it.
My best friend had been trying for about two years and I got pregnant after two months 😕

She knew I was trying but because it had happened so quickly she hadnt had time to let it sink in. I went to hers for coffee told her I had some news, she guessed, I told her I'd give her space and we'd talk about it as much or as little as she wanted.
She ended up not speaking to me for months until she actually got pregnant and it did a lot of damage but we sorted it.

Thanks for your speedy reply and kind message @GabbyGal. We've been friends since we were children and are very close, literally tell eachother everything. I've told her the day I've found out with both my previous pregnancies and in fact with my first she was the first to know. She helped deliver my 2nd born as she's a midwife. Telling her by text feels impersonal to me but can totally see why it might be more sensitive in some ways. Ahh I'm just stuck and don't want her to think I'm making such a big deal of it when her situation has been difficult. I just don't want to hurt her.

I’ve been in your friends position. Honestly. Text her. I know it seems impersonal but I’ve been that awful person who burst in to hysterical tears when I should have been congratulating a friend. It was humiliating for me and mortifying for her. Send a text, let her sort her head out (she won’t hold it against you - she wants her baby, not yours) but in your text (or a follow up) arrange/offer a meet up.

Similar situation but I had a missed miscarriage 5 months ago and 2 friends fell pregnant just after I went through it. One kept it from me until a friend of ours told me to my face that she was and I had to try so hard to put a brave surprised face on. The 2nd was a really close work friend who told me in her car on the way somewhere that she was pregnant - she said she didn’t know how to tell me and figured to just tell me personally. I had a lot of respect for her I could tell she was so worried and I was a bit sad but thrilled because she took two years to conceive. Personally I felt face to face was better, you can hug, see what their reaction is like and reassure them and support them too. Good luck. Xxxx

I'm in a similar situation and plan to tell her by text. I'd appreciate some help with the wording. Do you think it should be mentioned that I understand it might be hard for her? Should I say that I wanted to let her know before telling our other friends? I plan to tell them all face to face the next time I see them but I'd rather give her the heads up by text first.

My best friend is TTC and struggling at the moment and I'm almost due and our other friend announced she's expecting baby no. 2 the other day.

For my friend, she has said it's comforting that she can be honest with us about her feelings. For example when our friend told us, she was able to explain that she was happy for her but a bit jealous. And the fact no one made her feel guilty or like a bad egg for it, made her feel a lot better.

I suppose what I try to do with my friend is allow her to be human (tell her to be honest with me coz I'll never judge her) and then she doesn't have to hide her feelings which I think would make her even more upset.

I also keep her updated with my pregnancy as I would any other friend so she never feels like I'm leaving her out, but I also do try not to go on and on about it (which as I'm almost due is sometimes difficult!).

Not saying this will work for everyone, she likes to talk about it whereas someone else might not. But that's just my recent experience.

Congratulations by the way xxxxx

Congratulations, OP. Only one thing to add to the excellent advice above - don't send a scan picture. They can bring back awful memories for women who have had fertility difficulties.

Thanks so much for your replies. Do appreciate you all sharing your experiences.
I do think my friend would be upset if I told her by text - we've never been like that. I'm making a plan of telling her face to face as I truly believe this will be better for the kind of person she is. I'll tell her when she's off work and has some time with her husband. what I'm going to say and how I say it are still blanks. Any advice on ways to tell her would be gratefully received please.

I would much, much prefer a text. Something straightforward and simple, accompanied by an invitation to hang out.

You will never be able to foresee what conflicting feelings this may invoke in her (anger, envy, injustice) and may not be prepared to deal with the full storm of them - or she will fear that you won't be able to and be forced to put on a brave face at a moment not of her choosing. Let her handle them in private and show you only what she wishes you to see (it might be everything - everyone is different and you say you are close - but give her a choice). That is, in my opinion, the respectful thing to do.