The Cult of Motherhood

[aikigypsy]

So, I very happy to be expecting a baby and all that, but I am not so enthusiastic about the idea that I will be A MOTHER, which some people seem to have. It's as if they're saying that the great archetype of Motherhood is going to come in and obliterate my personality, I will no longer be myself, rather I will be A Mother.

Now, I recognise that there will be changes and so forth, probably big changes, and maybe there will be days when I am totally consumed by it all, but is it unreasonable to think that I'll still be myself? That I will retain much of my personality despite having a little person to care for?

Is anyone else running into this? How do you feel about it? For those who are on their second or more time around, am I completely delusional to think I'll be able to hang onto some of my sense of self, some of my personality?

You will still be yourself. But your priorities and views may well change substantially and you may find yourself in a couple of years looking back at the person you were pre children and not recognising some aspects of her.

Do you think 'mother' is a pejorative word? Maybe that's the problem. Because once you have a baby you WILL be 'a mother' whether you like it or not.

You will still retain much of your personality, of course you will. But for me, parenthood made me softer round the edges, I think I became a nicer person and less selfish. I have 2 children btw, ds is nearly 10 and dd is 3 and I'd never held as baby before I had one and didn't have a maternal bone in my body.

Aiki, you'll still be exactly the same person you always were but like wicked says you're priorities will likely change.

I'm expecting DS2 in october and I found with DS1 that you have to put bub first, especially when they're little so you can either fight it and make life an ongoing battle or go with the flow and figure out how your new life is going to pan out together. Its hard, there's no denying it and there are times when you feel like a servant/machine/cook at not much else. but you learn so much from your kids its hard not to change or at least learn stuff about yourself you never knew really as you see the world through their eyes but its all in good way. Its the best adventure you'll ever go on.

being a 'mother' is just a description, now being a mummy thats the best thing ever

Good luck and enjoy

I'm definitely not the same person I was before children. I'm less selfish, more laid-back, more caring. I've changed in lots of ways and, I think, all for the better. I think motherhood has emphasised certain traits in my personality - fun-loving and light-heartedness as I get to play with my children and fool around - and lessened others such as being self-centred.

Yes becoming a mother has definitely made me a better person. But I do miss some of the aspects of my previous persona. However I did not go back to work (dd now 22 months) so this is probably part of the problem. I find myself craving conversations about things like politics and current affairs and am a little tired of talking exclusively about babies and toddlers and pregnancy.

Anyone fancy telling me what they think about Gordon Brown's new cabinet (or am I in the wrong place for that

A lot of people told me I didn't change much - pretty much the same grumpy old cowbag as usual. I seemed "happier and sort of glowy" though, apparently.
New cabinet... sorry, too hormonal to comment!

I think you'll find generally any changes are for the better - I found being a mother an enlightening and grounding experience. If anything I became tougher, stronger, more determined in many respects but my values and priorities changed and my strengths aren't self serving.

I've become far more political and radical than I was before. Is that just me? I find the cabinet a bit worrying tbh. More of the same in a different guise.

rebelmum - maybe you are more political and radical because you have something to be political about, eg the future of your child/children?

I think one of the issues for me has not only been not going back to work (I used to work in Whitehall) but moving out of London. I love where I live now but it feels quite provincial. Still slides and roundabouts - I would rather live here with its decent schools and low crime rate and lower house prices than back in the big City....

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I lost myself about 7 years ago, 2 years into motherhood. I fought a brave and good fight, but alas, I lost.
I am hoping to pick up the pieces again in a few years. I can't remember who I was so I might have fun reinventing myself

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Aikigypsy, you have my sympathy. I'm 15 weeks into my first pregnancy (at age 41!) and tho I'm looking forward to meeting my little girl (she's a she, the ultrasound told me) I'm not looking forward to announcing my imminent parenthood beyond my partner and parents. In fact, to cut all sentimental slop off at the pass, I've already rehearsed my pre-emptive strike: "So, by the way, if any of you think parenthood is going to turn me into a stupid, docile cow, let me warn you that I intend to go on being the stroppy bitch I have always been. And NO unsolicited belly-rubbing, thanks." That should shut them up.
Now, I can't predict what will happen to you and me, as I haven't been through this before either. All I can hope is that we will get into the swing of this parenthood thing (note how I avoid use of that loaded word MOTHER) and learn many new skills without sacrificing the things we like about our personalities. For myself, I hope to become a better time-manager, because I'm pretty crap at it now!

Depressingly, I found that having a child did not make me one iota less selfish, although it made my selfishness much more obvious.

I was relieved to find, though, that I was still myself after birth, and indeed continue to be myself 3.5 years later. Just a much grumpier, bulgier version tbh.

Don't worry about it.

Well, almost 8 months in and I'm mainly the same person which surprised me quite a lot actually.

Changes that I've noticed are: I find it almost impossible to watch/read/hear about bad things happening to babies and children. It fills me with a horror that wasn't there before. I think that probably means that I wasn't very empathetic (is that a word?) before kids.

I also get a whole lot more joy out of little things like sitting quietly in the park with ds asleep and 20 minutes to drink a coffee and read the paper. It wasn't nearly as pleasurable when I could do it whenever I liked.

As for adult conversation about politics and the like, I use my friends without kids, or with older kids for that. I really value meeting up with them and having proper conversations and steer them away from baby talk if at all possible. That's saved for friends with babies where it can be really difficult with the best will in the world to talk about anything else.

We get landed with all sorts of labels in this life and it's mainly up to you how much you let any of your roles define you. There's no doubt that "motherhood" (I refuse to capitalise it ) is exhausting and time-consuming and will for ever more be part of who you are, but it doesn't have to be, and shouldn't imo, be all you are.

Oh, and if you've got a partner, remember it's actually "parenthood" so make sure your dp gets plenty of alone time with your baby.

Dh loves his daddy and ds time and I get time to myself to go shopping, meet friends, go to the pictures, go for a coffee, go for a walk, watch tv - anything that I did pre-baby without thinking. Don't always (ever?) use that time for housework!

Ah, yes, parenthood sounds much less damning, somehow, less emasculating. I think I'm just afraid of being shuttled off to some ghetto full of women and small children who talk about nothing but raising small children. I've also resisted being labeled as one thing or another for practically forever, and just being labeled like that is annoying.

Simultaneously, I'm having a hard time figuing out how, or if, I'll be able to work outside the house in the first year (or two, or three) of my child's life, particularly while breastfeeding. My partner is pretty into the whole thing, but we're not living together yet and I'm nervous about how all that will work out (we've only been together since... oh, about an hour before I got pregnant ).

Oddly, he's run into the same problem. He told an ex-girlfriend of his about the baby, and she said, oh, now you'll be a father. To which he replied, "But I'll still be me." She said, "No you won't, you'll be somebody's dad."

Felt exactly the same with my first, aikingypsy. And was desperate to 'get back to normal' asap. Probably because I was the first of my social group to have a child, and we weren't exactly the child-rearing kind!

tbh, with just one child, it is possible to maintain a lot of your 'normal' life: childcare was expensive, but it still made financial sense for me to go back to work, so things didn't change greatly. I didn't do the mummy circuit because I was back at work within 10 weeks, so my circle of friends remained unchanged.

Now we have 3 kids and my salary wouldn't cover the childcare bills, my life has reduced down from 3 dimensions (home + work + social) to just 1 dimension (home). I hate it at times, but see it as short term. Normal life will resume in T minus 3 years.

I must admit, now I wish I'd has less of a negative image of SAHM-dom and done the mummy circuit for a while with #1.

aikigypsy I'm completely with you on this one! My friend, on hearing the news of my pregnancy, gave me a big hug and said "you'll be one of us now, one of the mummies" and my 1st instinct was to run for the hills...sounds like I'm being taken in by the moonies not the mummies.

I have been trying hard to look for a role model mummy who hasn't lost her previous life/personality and I have to say they are few and far between, but they are out there. And (in my scientific study of about 10 people!) they seem to have the most well adjusted children. Can't be a coincidence...!

Yes of course you will still be you, just you with a child to acre for. And that child will be your be all and end all. YOur reason for living. There are times you will cry, but you will be so consumed with love for this child you will hardly remember life without it.

YOu will miss 'you' time, of course but that is a double edge sword. Now my ds is in school if I find myself in town alone I gaze adoringly at women with babies/toddlers.

LOL at pruners & motherhood turning you into a raging feminist! so true. the feminists in the 70s didn't bother with improving the lot of mothers because childbearing was an embarrassing female affliction!

I like being a mother but then I still work and I'm quite old so I think I'd feel a bit left out if I hadn't had a kid.

Although I fantasise about having enough money to give up work, I think I'd be CRAP at being a SAHM.

I love my ds more than anyone in the whole world ever and I enjoy nattering to other mums about their kids. I also quite like cooking and doing vaguely domestic things.

But I like having another identity and I like having some level of financial independence - obviously much of the money goes on childcare, boring house stuff etc.

What I'm trying to say is that I like being a mother because I don't have to be one all the time.

I think the most important thing is to work out what motherhood means to you.

hhhm, i work three days a week, and today, my day with ds, i took him to the park and though he was adorable and so happy, i got bored after an hour, and then got flooded with guilt for being relieved he was back at nursery tmrw.

My dh and I were so knackered after a weekend with ds, who is a force of nature, that we took him into nursery a bit early this morning and fled to a cafe for breakfast.

I don't think you should feel guilty for ONE second.

mslucy, dh and i do that on his days off too. and he really is the sweetest baby, so i don't know if i'm not a natural mum after all.

fuck knows what that makes me then...

My mother stayed home throughout my childhood - most people did in the 70s.

She was always telling me what she'd given up- which was bollocks because she never had a great job and wanted to be home with kids.

I think kids are happier when their parents are happier and if you're happier with a few breaks then he will be too.

Once they're teens they'll hate us anyway!