Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

I don’t know if i am ready

22 replies

Pea2019 · 25/02/2019 21:26

I’ve just found out I am pregnant. About 5 weeks according to online calculators. I don’t know if i am ready for this. I’m 31, my partner is 40. I like our life, we have a nice house, my career is going well, we have lots of holidays, no money worries etc. My group of friends also have no children.

Ive been off the pill for years. i know it’s silly but we assumed we couldn’t have children. I don’t particularly like children. My partner has wanted kids for years and ive always said no, it’s not the right time.

I have anxiety and the things i look forward to are weekends in my pjs and travelling the world. I worry that i’ll resent the baby for stopping me from travelling, but on the other hand i also worry that if i wanted a baby in the future, i may not be able to.

I’ve never had a maternal instinct. My friends say if i can love a baby as much as i love my animals then it would be very lucky

Are these normal thoughts i’m having? Or is it a sign that it’s too soon?

I know it sounds odd but the thought of having to tell people is freaking me out.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MegCharlotte · 25/02/2019 22:38

I think the way you are feeling is how a lot of women feel when they first find out they are pregnant, especially when they have a career, love travel etc. I am 32 and 12 weeks pregnant with my first child and had those exact same fears you've just voiced. Tbh I had come off the pill, but assumed it would take ages, and it happened within a couple of months.

However, as soon as I had the first scan, and saw this little baby jiggling around inside me, I suddenly felt a lot more maternal, relaxed and happy. You may feel the same!

In addition, I know women who have managed to continue doing things they loved doing even with a baby/child. There's no reason why you can't still travel, have a career etc. Yes it will be difficult at times and you will need to adapt, but if you see it as more of an adventure than a life hinderance, then it could be great. It's also likely your friends will start having children in the near future, so I don't think that'll be a factor for long,

Finally, if you really don't want a baby, then you should not feel pressured to. Not every woman is meant to have children and many have really happy lives without them. Only you can decide. It's bloody hard for women, we have biological clocks which mean often we have to make decisions based on our age rather than when is right for us! (Although at 31 you have plenty of time)

Ambs81 · 25/02/2019 23:07

Hi, I also had a surprise pregnancy with my DS. I found out I was pregnant a few days after our wedding. I had a lot the same fears, worries about the impact on my career, holidays, lifestyle etc.
I didn’t feel maternal enough!
I felt strange in early pregnancy, I remember telling the midwife I didn’t understand how this couldve happened!!
But as pregnancy progressed I got more into, and once I had my 20week scan I really connected with the idea.
Our ds is 4 now, and for the last 2 years life has felt like it was before, but just even better because with have this extra person. He makes holidays better, events better, it’s cheesy but he brings so much to our lives.
I was 30 but felt like a teen Mum in comparison to my friends!! But an advantage for me has been that I’ve been able to take my time in planning dc2.
A lot of my friends who had their first child in their mid/late 30s then seem to have a second very quickly.

It’s a lot to get your head round but you will, and you won’t look back.

Original poster

Pea2019 · 25/02/2019 23:09

Thank you :-)

It is difficult. It’s difficult to know whether I am supposed to have a baby or not. I can’t work out if it’s my anxiety putting me off or if it’s ‘me’. I can’t even picture the house with a child in it. Maybe I should see how I feel at the scan.

Thank you for your advice

OP posts:

physicskate · 26/02/2019 00:04

It took me over two years of ttc and ivf to conceive. I had to really want this. I wasn't on the fence at all. I think part of that was because it bae a goal I seemingly couldnt achieve.

Ttc, and actually having a kid can put a huge strain on a relationship. So it's not a decision to be taken lightly (which you clearly aren't doing).

Ultimately I wanted kids because of knew I'd regret not having them. Do whatever you think will give you the fewest regrets...

Fatted · 26/02/2019 00:08

I'm guessing this is an unexpected pregnancy? Then it's totally normal to feel the way you do. Only you can decide what's best for you.

Even when I found out about my first pregnancy, my very first thought was 'Oh shit I'm pregnant!' and I actually sat in the bathroom for a while debating whether or not to tell my DH. This was a very much wanted and planned for pregnancy!! When I was pregnant with my youngest, I still had doubts about it all.

So it's normal. But only you can decide what's right for you.

mimitiggy · 26/02/2019 08:17

Hi @Pea2019 I can sympathise somewhat although my situation is different - we decided after a fun weekend with our nephew to go for it and got pregnant first try!

Is there any chance that you went off contraception thinking this might happen? Like your subconscious maybe was curious. If your partner wants a child that can be helpful because he will bolster the part of you that wants one but can also be annoying because it can hinder your decision!
I’m now 12 weeks and 34 years old and we are still trying to decide if we want this...

Karigan195 · 26/02/2019 08:21

Where do people get this idea that you have to stop travelling when you have a baby? Ok you get a little limited by school holidays when they get older but I toured Europe when my son was a baby. A lot of countries are actually more baby friendly than here and have spare nappies in the loos etc.

I was never particularly maternal, loved animals travelling and have a ‘high powered’ job but my son adds to it rather than takes away. I still do much the same things and if anything explore more!

fee1234 · 26/02/2019 09:12

I felt the same but we have decided to use some of my maternity leave at the end to do some more travelling with the baby if all is well. I've spent a lot of time researching good places to go and we are feeling confident that together we can handle it. It won't be easy and it will be a different type of travelling than what we are used to, but we just don't see why having a baby needs to be the end of doing something we love so much.

Original poster

Pea2019 · 26/02/2019 11:09

That was my mindset for a bit, but when i actually looked at how many people I know with a child who has done this, i couldn’t think of 1 person. I also thought that i could do a couple of 2 week trips and leave the baby with my mum (she’d love it). But then i thought that i’d be a bad person for leaving it behind!

I have started questioning our whole relationship today. I’m not sure if i’m purposly trying to push OH away to make the decision easier.

OP posts:

Karigan195 · 26/02/2019 12:11

I’ll probably get flamed for this but my mind gets boggled by the huge number of mums I know who have a baby then suddenly it’s I can’t do that because of the baby all the time. Now there are some things you can’t do. Baby can’t bunji jump for instance but then you take turns. Baby can still travel, baby can still go for hikes, weekend breaks explore bloomin Machu picu if you want to. It’s down to you. Are you a go getter or a stay at home because it’s easy.

My sons travelled half the world with us with our only restriction being work and money.

physicskate · 26/02/2019 12:20

If it helps: my mum was a flight attendant and my dad used to fly with her (and me with my sister who's 3 and a half years older) on layovers all the time. People used to comment on what a well-behaved baby I was when I'd sleep an entire 6 hour flight when I was 6 months plus. You make it work if you want it to.

How many people travel/ backpack in their 30's?? That's why you don't here about loads of new parents who do!! Plus babies use up a fair amount of expendable income...

53rdWay · 26/02/2019 12:23

Yes you can travel with babies, they’re really portable! Toddlers a bit harder in my experience but still doable.

With a lot of this stuff you can’t plan out how you’ll feel in advance. You’re not a bad person for considering leaving a baby with your mum when you go on holiday even though maybe most people you know wouldn’t - those people are dealing with actual babies they’ve met and got to know, not with hypothetical “when there’s a baby here would I be okay with this” scenarios. Maybe you’d feel like that too in their position, maybe you wouldn’t, you can’t know.

It’s interesting you talk about whether it’s ‘too soon’ or whether you’re ready yet. It sounds like you’re imagining some future you who feels differently about this, and you know you’ll end up there eventually but aren’t there yet. Maybe - but that’s a different thing to “I’ll never be ready, it’ll never be the right time, this is not what I want ever” and you owe it to yourself and your partner to be clear that you’re not saying the first while meaning the second.

I wouldn’t worry about not having a ‘maternal instinct’ or going gooey over other people’s babies. Men don’t worry about this when considering fatherhood. ‘Father’ is not considered a personality type, it’s something you do and it’s a relationship you have. Think of ‘mother’ the same way.

User12879923378 · 26/02/2019 12:37

I was 41 and had wanted a baby for ages (no real fertility problems, just never the right time). I spent a lot of my pregnancy wondering what on earth I had ever been thinking. It is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me but it's huuuge. You are entirely entitled to be petrified and you really don't have to have this baby if now is not the right time. The only reason to have a baby is that you want to.

User12879923378 · 26/02/2019 12:38

Was petrified of holding other people's babies, by the way, but can't put mine down

Karigan195 · 26/02/2019 12:59

Yeah I don’t hold other people’s baby’s either lol.

thinkingcapon · 26/02/2019 13:11

I felt the same......I didn't really think about the actual impact it would have on me or us. I didn't really ever feel very strongly about having kids but thought I'd regret it if I didn't

I can't tell you what to do, but I'm ashamed to say that I'm almost 3 years down the line and still feel that it wasn't the right decision for me in becoming a mum but I try so hard to never let my child see that

Take your time, I'm sorry none of us have a magic wand x take care

GabbyGal · 26/02/2019 13:24

My pregnancy was planned and it was still a shock when I found out! The driving force behind TTC was mainly that I’m 34 and knew I wanted kids with my partner eventually so we went for it.

So it was a shock and telling people was so weird, still is a bit. I’m 18 weeks now and really happy to be pregnant and feeling connected to baby, but I’m glad I have another 22ish weeks to get my head around it. I haven’t looked at any baby stuff yet and I still have no interest in other people’s babies. But the scans really are amazing!

Original poster

Pea2019 · 26/02/2019 21:47

What is it that makes you think it wasn’t right? Financial situation? Or not having maternal feelings etc?

OP posts:

coral13 · 27/02/2019 06:50

"I’ve never had a maternal instinct. My friends say if i can love a baby as much as i love my animals then it would be very lucky"

This is me!!!!! My purpose/calling in life was always to adopt animals. It was my husband who always wanted to be a dad. We got together with him knowing I didn't want children but him wanting me over children. I've had a few years to get used to ths idea and I'm now 18 weeks. I think I'm helped by the fact a lot of my friends are going it at the same time so it doesn't feel as strange to me anymore.

Original poster

Pea2019 · 27/02/2019 08:38

Animals are the best! When my OH comes in i say ‘Dads Home’ to the cats and dog 😂. Although he’s only a step dad to one of the cats 😆. I think my plan is to forget about it until the scan.

OP posts:

thinkingcapon · 27/02/2019 11:17

Pea2019 was that question for me or all posters? X

Hugtheduggee · 27/02/2019 11:59

A freak out is perfectly normal and even people who plan babies have them.

I think deep down you probably do want a baby as you've been off contraception for years, so maybe subconsciously you've been OK taking that risk.

What I will say though, is if there is a substantial chance you will terminate, then please start thinking about it earlier rather than later.

If you wait until your 12w scan, then think about it and then you might have to wait a couple of weeks, its going to get much more traumatic for you as the baby will be much bigger and more developed. You may start to feel him or her move. So it's not something you can totally put out of your mind until your scan.

I was very apprehensive about becoming a mum, and thought I'd feel like I had my wings clipped. But actually I love it. We still have fun, travel etc. We've been away without the baby a couple of times. But also, because the baby is your family, doing things like holidays with then feels natural.

Flip