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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Selfish to have dc with a 15+ year age gap?

27 replies

RosiePozie · 24/02/2019 21:47

I had my first dc at 18 and he is now 14. I’ve always wanted a second child but I ended up single for most of my twenties... I am now nearly 33 and am in a great relationship and the subject of having dc together has come up.
Someone at work told me I’d be selfish to have one now as my first dc will have exams pretty every year for the next few years and he’ll need a stable, quiet environment to study properly and generally be available for these turbulent teenage years and not have me distracted by a young child.
Has anyone gone through this?

OP posts:

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MadameJosephine · 24/02/2019 21:54

What nonsense. My DS was 16 and in his GCSE year when his sister was born. He was delighted and they are very close despite the age gap. He’s at university now and they telephone each other and write letters all the time. Oh and he got A* and A graded so didn’t do him any harm there

nos123 · 24/02/2019 21:58

I don’t think it’s selfish at all and it’s quite rude of your co-worker to say so.

As for exams, there are plenty of places to study that are better than home (the library). Is there enough space/sound proofing in your house so that he newborn won’t keep your teen awake at night? Mind you, in that respect I don’t think it’s different from having another child with a smaller age gap.

It really is your life and your choice. Your teen may even be delighted with a new sibling. I was once very close to someone who’s brother was 13 years younger than him and it didn’t disrupt his life at all (though he was quite indifferent to his younger sibling until he was about 3 and got “more interesting” haha).

Angelmiracle · 24/02/2019 22:08

I know siblings with even bigger age gaps than that - not selfish at all. They adore other! Go with your heart it's no one else's business.

Original poster

RosiePozie · 25/02/2019 09:10

Thank you all, I was a bit taken aback when my co-worker made that comment tbh.

OP posts:

Campurp · 25/02/2019 09:31

What a bizarre comment for your co-worker to make. My mum got remarried and proceeded to have 4 more children when I was 10,12,16 and 19 and I managed to go through school, 6th form and University with no issues.

Lindtnotlint · 25/02/2019 09:34

Utter Nonsense. Go for it!

Ccec · 25/02/2019 09:39

I agree its not selfish at all. My son is 11 and im due with no.2 in April, he's getting ready to do his sats but having a new baby in the house isnt going to make a difference and when he is studying for his gcse's i will ensure he has whatever environement he needs to study.
I'm sure your son will love having a sibling, me and my sister have 10 years between us too and we're really close.
Forget other people's opinions, if you and your partner want a child then go for it :)

talktoo · 25/02/2019 09:46

Selfish??? What a strange claim. And terribly rude. Telling people off for their very normal lifestyle is beyond weird and far more selfish than having a large age gap. Sheesh some people will tell you that having only one child is selfish, that having too many children is selfish, now that having a large gap is selfish. What the hell is is wrong with people???

TwitterQueen1 · 25/02/2019 09:48

Does your colleague have children? Not that it matters particularly as I think it's none of their business and those reasons aren't valid anyway. Family life comes in all shapes and sizes and what matters is that everyone is loved and cared for. Go for it!

ReaganSomerset · 25/02/2019 09:48

No. The argument could be made that pretty much any pregnancy is inherently selfish, but the age gap doesn't make it any more so.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 25/02/2019 09:52

I’m sorry but if someone can’t sit exams because there is a child in the house they are going to fail in their career they have children anyway. I’ve done a degree while having two young children of my own ffs. Your coworker is being previous. A few friends of mine have this kind of age gap with younger siblings and they love it. They all find having a baby/babies in their lives very enriching and I would say that most of them have matured wonderfully since having younger siblings.

NotAFuckingYummyMummy · 25/02/2019 09:54

Go for it.
I have an 18 year old, an 8 year old and an 8 month old!
Wouldn't have it any other way. They all adore each other

GregoryPeckingDuck · 25/02/2019 09:54

Oh and my husband sat his a levels while being the main career for his younger sibling. He’s gone all the way through his studies and done a PhD with excellent results all the way through. Having a younger sibling around really isn’t a big deal.

RiverTam · 25/02/2019 09:58

Well - she's got a point, hasn't she? GCSEs are a pretty hellish time for lot of teens and bringing a new baby into the mix right now could be quite a big issue for him. Baby teething all night right before an exam? Hardly great, is it?

I don't think the gap itself is an issue but the actual age your DS will be could well be. Might not, of course.

Seline · 25/02/2019 10:01

Not an issue.

Someone said I was selfish for having more DC because my eldest has special needs. DS1 adores his siblings.

People will always say stupid things!

Tinty · 25/02/2019 10:06

I have an 8 year gap so not GCSE age but one thing my 8 year old did was never ever wake in the night when I brought his baby sister home (think he got that from DP!).

And he was a rubbish sleeper himself but never heard his DSis.

Your DS will be fine and with any luck will like having a sibling.

HarryPottersSecretSister · 25/02/2019 10:07

Absolutely ridiculous.
Not selfish at all (in fact, controversial one but I genuinely feel that where possible (fertility issues and health problems obviously aside) that giving a child a sibling is one of the loveliest things you could do for them)

I'm presuming you're not going to make your son raise the new baby/ do all night feeds and care of the newborn while he's studying? That might be an issue obviously. Other than that- no. People all over the world sit exams while they have young siblings. Some live in a busy home with nieces and nephews and grandparents and sit exams. Some have to work and study for exams. Some have a sick parent they need to care for while sitting exams. Some have a chaotic home life and have to sit exams. Tell your colleague to be sensible here (and to maybe get a hobby): having a baby in the house while a person is sitting exams is hardly life destroying.

pumpkinpie01 · 25/02/2019 10:16

Absolute rubbish, how rude of them ! There are 16 years between my sons and it hasn't affected my oldests education at all.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/02/2019 10:32

Yes OP, your only goal is to make your home a sanctuary of study for the next four years and focus yourself fully on him If you had younger kids already who are also noisy distractions I'd recommend short term lockage in the garden shed unti they too are ready for exams.

Your friend is being ridiculous. If you want a baby, have one. DS will no doubt be grossed out that you're having sex but beyond thst he'll be fine

KateTTC123 · 25/02/2019 10:35

I come from a large blended family. For 10 years it was just my sister and I; there is an 18 month difference between us. Then suddenly both my parents remarried. We got a new big sister (5 years older than me) then 2 brothers (10 and 14 years difference) on my mum's side and a sister and brother (18 and 21 years difference) on my dad's side. I can honestly say it's been brilliant! I love having so many siblings and we all get on; even the ones that aren't related to each other! I say go for it! At 33 you are the same age as me; it's a great time for a new baby :)

Yogagirl123 · 25/02/2019 10:47

Not selfish at all. The only thing I would say is in my experience siblings with a large age gap, often don’t have a close relationship.

How would you son take the news do you think?

Good luck OP.

Spargle · 25/02/2019 11:55

My baby sister is 15 years younger than I am. I wasn’t enthusiastic about the prospect of a baby, but when she emerged I fell in love. I think it was also really good for me to get a little taste of parental responsibility (taking her out, changing nappies, trying to get her to stop crying when she had colic, entertaining her) without the commitment of an actual child to look after. Plus, of course, she adored me.

She became the favourite, of course. She’s at uni now, studying in my nearest city, so it’s been great to have her around. I am forever grateful that my parents decided to have another one!

notacooldad · 25/02/2019 12:02

Your colleague is a dick.
Stupid thing to say.

TheOrigFV45 · 25/02/2019 12:28

Since you work, you'll be on mat leave for a while which I think will be lovely for your older child having you home more.

KnobJockey · 25/02/2019 12:49

I worry about this, as I have a 15 year old DD and am 10 weeks pg with number 2. A new baby arriving in September, just as we are starting exam year. But I'm worrying about all sorts, so I'm adding it to the list! Trying to see the positives- she'll fall in love with a little one, she's excited it will take a bit of our focus from her (so she thinks!) and I'm very hopeful it will drive home the importance of contraception and pregnancy for her!

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