12 weeks pregnant but feel very detached from baby

[McGlitch]

Hi, I’ve NC for this as I have a few friends on here and would hate anyone in real life to know how I’m feeling.

I’m 12 weeks pregnant with a planned and much-wanted 2nd baby. I’ve had HG (but with less vomiting and more 24/7 nausea) since mid-January. I have medication now which takes the edge off but it took a lot of stressful appointments to get the medication.

I was referred to a consultant at hospital at 10 weeks because I’ve been so low and wasn’t sure I could continue with the pregnancy. (I’m aware how insensitive that is and I’m so sorry to even be thinking it, never mind admitting it to anyone)

Throughout all of this, I’ve found it difficult to work and to take care of my 3 year old DD. Family have helped when they can, DH does everything at the weekends and in the evenings and she’s now doing extra nursery sessions. I absolutely hate that this pregnancy is having such a detrimental impact on her, I can’t even play with her. Everyone insists she won’t remember or care, but that doesn’t make it any easier. This wasn’t her choice.

I had a scan at 11 weeks and while it was nice to see that everything was ok, I didn’t get the overwhelming happiness that I had with DD’s scans. I felt a bit numb and emotionless about it. I don’t think about there being a baby in there, I just think of it as “a pregnancy”. By 12 weeks with DD, I was obsessed. I thought about it constantly and felt completely in love with the baby. I definitely don’t feel like that this time. People ask if I’m excited, and I’m really not.

If something terrible happened, I have no doubt I’d feel sad and very guilty, but I’m not sure I’d be as devastated as I should be.

I know this isn’t a normal way to feel but I don’t know if I should be doing something about it or if I’ll bond later in pregnancy. Has anyone felt the same?

I have to admit that I dont feel that same excitement as I did last time but that's because I know what's coming, I've got someone else I need to care for, I'm generally more drained and exhausted before you even take into account the pregnancy.

Last time it was so new, first time parents, that thrill, not actually realising what you've got yourself into. Now I've got the concern about back to sleepless nights, dealing with 2 children, will dd be OK, knowing I'll have to go back to work and pay shed loads for childcare.
I'm still early days but I'm sure it will get more real as it progresses. I've just got nausea but struggle to be the mum I want to be for dd but she is fine, and it's a small blip in a long life. And when I'm off on mat leave I'll see her much more than I currently do.

Definitely make sure you keep your midwife in the loop as she should be able to offer support and guidance.

I’ve got 3 children and never made the emotional leap when pregnant from bump to baby. I think it’s a completely normal way to feel. They were always a theoretical entity to me until birth.

I wasn’t connected to either of my children until they were born. I felt both but resentment for how unwell I felt and what I was missing out on. But once they arrived I was completely smitten. So try not to worry x

Actually I think it is a normal way to feel. How you felt the first time, whilst lovely, was probably more unusual.

If you've had a really tough first trimester it's not at all surprising you're not full of bouncing delight!! Hopefully as you get a chance to recover a bit you will have a bit more energy (or maybe you won't until the babe comes, and maybe even not straight away then, that's ok too).
It's tough having to adjust to not being the mother you'd like to be just now. You might need to grieve for that a wee bit. It can be totally terrifying to think how life is going to change, and how you are going to carry on being as attentive a mother as you want to be, times two. Of course your brain is taking a bit of distance from the reality of that new baby!
If you feel persistently down, remember that antenatal depression is a thing too, and your midwife is well placed to help. you are a trooper! You've made it through some really shitty weeks!

I'm not sure I understand what you think you should be feeling at 12 weeks, even if you weren't ill with HG and harassed from trying to look after a demanding small child? I regarded the scans with my planned and wanted son as medical check-ups, done to see if there were problems, and they didn't cause me any more emotion that getting the all-clear from any other test, just relief. And for different reasons to you I had an incredibly busy and demanding pregnancy, which involved a lot of flying and stress-inducing deadlines, and though I did all the right health-related things, I can honestly say I didn't really give the baby much thought until I went on maternity leave at 36 weeks.

I certainly wasn't radiating maternal contentment, or 'in love with' my baby, now an adored six year old, and I didn't tell anyone other than DH, the GP and my line manager until I was 18 weeks. I think you're unusual in feeling that with your first pregnancy. Just think, not too long ago, you wouldn't have even known for certain you were pregnant at 12 weeks.

I agree with Dusty, if you have a tough few months, then it’s natural to feel detached with the pregnancy. I had a scare over my first pregnancy, and didn’t feel connected. It was only when I asked for the sex of the baby (not routinely revealed twenty years ago in my local hospital) that I could start getting excited again.

I also think that depression during pregnancy is more common then people think.

depression in pregnancy

I don’t think what you are feeling is at all unusual - I felt similar with my second pregnancy (although admittedly it wasn’t planned). I felt it really helped finding out the sex at 20 weeks, I felt I could bond better and imagine having the actual child when I knew what we were expecting. So hang in there!

I too felt this way until my 20 week scan this time. Baby wasn't planned and my husband and I were just OK with everything (I feel awful that we felt like that too) although we knew we'd adore and love them with everything we have when they arrive. I too have terrible sickness and nausea (still do although it's slightly better than at its peak) and it's affected our family too, I've not been the mother I'm used to being and the kids understand and have been great but it has made me feel that resentment however I think the 20 week scan made everything more real for us all. All health checks were great and we found out the sex which has always helped me feel more able to bond with them personally, my children are very excited too so that's really helped. I hope you feel better soon and don't be hard on yourself, I'm sure once you have your 20 week scan, start to feel movements and get prepared that you'll feel more connected. Xx

I'm now 17 weeks. I've never been one of the normal "I've always wanted to be a mum" women. It's actually my husband who has always wanted to be a Dad. I have been calm throughout but I wouldn't say excited or overly bondy. Honestly though, the last couple of weeks something has just switched. One of my best friends had a baby on Friday. I honestly thought this would freak me out (as it would be a vivid picture of what we're doing soon) but instead it's made me mega excited. I just think it comes when you're ready.

Thank you for the reassurance. It hadn’t occurred to me that my feelings during my first pregnancy were more unusual.

I guess I’m feeling guilty for feeling so apathetic this time. It’s interesting that a few of you mention finding out the gender. I’ve always been adamant that I wouldn’t want to but discussed it with DH yesterday. Need to think about it though, the surprise was very important to me with DD.

I have to say my last pregnancy was really tough and i was so unwell, i was also worried that I wouldn't bond with the baby when he was born, but that completely changed when he was born, he became my focus, he needed me and we have a great relationship.