**Trigger warning** Pregnancy loss - help with a gift

[MissB83]

I'm sorry if this is on the wrong part of the site, please move if needed!

One of my dearest friends has just suffered an early pregnancy loss (an ectopic pregnancy).

Once the dust has settled a little for her I was wondering about getting her a gift to help with her grieving process.

I can't decide whether it would be better to get something which she could perhaps symbolically "let go" of (a Chinese lantern, a balloon etc) so she can say goodbye to baby; or maybe something she can keep (I've seen some bracelets for "angel babies", a plant she can tend etc).

Any thoughts or advice gratefully received!

I'm really sorry for your friend's loss, you sound like a lovely person. Please don't use a balloon or a lantern as they can kill animals if falling near them.

How about a pretty stone that she can put somewhere memorable or in her garden?

When I had a miscarriage, I found dates like scabs/due date hard so was taken out to help occupy me.

I hope she's ok

My best friend had an ectopic pregnancy, she was very ill after. I couldn't be there as she lives so far away now but I sent her a nice pair of PJ's that I knew she'd like, she has a thing for pyjamas.
She said she really appreciated coming home from hospital and being able to get into something new and comfortable.
So rather than focusing on something for her grieving maybe find something that's more about her and that she'd like, if that makes sense?

Agree with the above comnent about balloons, lanterns, also would avoid flowers as they die in a short time frame. I had several miscarriages and have a plant for each one in my garden but I chose it myself. I think she will be very touched by the gesture, whatever you send. Make a note in your diary to remember the anniversary and send a card or do something to mark that - everyone else will have moved on and forgotten by then.

If she has a garden, a small tree would be symbolic, others would rather not be reminded - it's kind of a personal thing varies so much. Does she have a partner you know well enough to ask?

Environmentally, Chinese lanterns and balloons are awful. Also, it’s a very personal thing to say goodbye and “let go” of a baby. I don’t think it’s a thing that’s right to be given as a gift.

I’m not sure all people who have early losses think of them as angel babies so I’d ditch that unless you’re really sure your friend would like it. Again, personally I’d have hated a permanent reminder to wear.

You sound absolutely lovely. I’d go for a care package type present (nice food, comfy pjs etc). That’s what I appreciated most.

You’re a lovely friend. Agree re avoiding lanterns. I bought my own jewellery but it’s very private and nobody other than me knows what it represents. If she’s still in hospital or bedbound I’d go with nice pyjamas and easy-to-eat food for now and maybe a hardy plant in a nice pot for later.

I was really pleased with a care package from ‘don’t buy her flowers’ which had gin, cake, a magazine, mascara and a few other bits in. A few friends sent flowers and wine gifts which was also really appreciated.
A friend of mine miscarried and I dropped a card through and left flowers and chocolates on her doorstep which was appreciated.

If she has other kids and a busy life a parcel from Cook might help her manage whilst she’s recovering.

For a good friend I knew well I dropped a gift bag on her door with wine, chocolates and magazine with a card with a long message inside. For a woman who worked at my DS nursery I gave her an expensive candle and chocs. I think just acknowledging the fact is important when so many feel too uncomfortable to mention it.

After my miscarriage my friend sent me a care parcel with wine, chocolate, a nice candle and bath bombs, it was perfect.

I agree with some of the other comments above, rather than getting her something to help with the grieving and letting go etc I would get her something that isn’t loss related. A nice fluffy set of PJs maybe, slippers, that sort of thing. When I had been really poorly once my friend bought me a pamper set in a box that she had put together herself with a face mask, a lovely Lush bath bomb, some magazines and some chocolates and I thought that was so sweet. Or when she’s feeling up to it you could offer to take her out for a nice lunch or dinner. Or just even a thoughtful card with a gift card inside so she can treat herself when she feels up to it.
You sound like a lovely friend, she is lucky to have you x

This is so helpful, thank you everyone!! Its one of those times where you just don't want to do the wrong thing. I am going to make her a pamper pack with lots of the things suggested including either pyjamas, slippers or a soft pashmina, and I will diarise to do something for her for next year/baby's due date x

I would go for a nice candle.
The Yankee pillar ones maybe.

I really appreciated it when my friend came round with cake and wine and held my hand whilst I cried after my TRMR. Most people sort of avoided me because they didn’t know what to say but really what I needed was a cuddle.

Our first pregnancy ended in a ruptured ectopic. Choosing something to have in memory was very personal and part of the grieving process for us, so that may be something your friend will want to do herself.
We had lovely cards and messages, flowers, chocolates etc, just knowing people were thinking of us and around for support if we needed meant such a lot. You sound like a lovely friend and I'm sure whatever you send will be appreciated. I'm sure she'll need you over the next few weeks and months Xx

I made this - thank you for all your help

That’s lovely OP, I’m sure she will really appreciate it x

You're a lovely person.