Can't tell gender? (And some other things!)

[CaMina]

So I did read a few threads but everyone seems to get distracted 😂

I just went for my 20wk scan yesterday, and they couldn't tell the gender because the baby had it's legs together. They /think/ it might be a boy, but the woman said to get it double checked when I go in next (basically, don't buy anything yet!). They booked me in again in 2 weeks as they couldn't get a clear view of the babies face or It's heart (I had a brother die of a heart abnormality when he was born).

I just wondered, if they can't tell again when I go, do I just go with the idea of it being a boy or wait until it's born? We really wanted a girl since we already have a boy, but obviously would be happy with either! I'm desperate to start buying things, especially since if it is a boy, I can get my older one a bunk bed and the new baby can have his old Moses basket/cot bed until they're old enough to share.

A few other questions I wanted to ask, this is my second pregnancy. Sorry if I sound a bit meh.

1. I have LITERALLY met my midwife ONCE. This is my second scan so far in this pregnancy. My midwife booked me in for a mental health check (to do with me as a teen, 10+ yrs ago, long story short I had severe depression dud to abuse and other things) without even consulting me first or speaking to me about it; and to be honest I'm really upset. I didn't go through any of this with my son, I put up with the health visitor visiting up to/after he was 1yo because they kept expecting me to have a mental breakdown from stress (regarding my family) which just stressed me out even more. I didn't get any depression or baby blues or anything, i went to all my appointments and my son was consistantly a healthy weight etc. I know every pregnancy is different but it's upset me that I met her once, she didn't talk to me, I literally got a letter through the post and my GP and my hospital didn't even know what the letter was about. Is that normal? She keeps pushing me for a home birth as well, which I do not want as my mum lost 3 babies AT a hospital. I just feel like the doctors aren't actually considering my feelings or opinions at all.

1. Is it normal to only have been seen twice? I think my son I had quite a few (at least 3 or 4, plus a diabetic test!) by now. This time my appointments have lasted almost 2hrs each time, with my first we were in and out. It's a bit stressful as I wasn't prepared for appointments to last that long, especially since it's just been a scan? None of my doctors are talking to me about anything, I don't get told about appointments until it's via text, the one I got yesterday was only because I was there with her and she left me alone for about 20 minutes to see if she could even get me an appointment. I just feel a bit lost as there's no communication and when I speak to the doctors etc they also don't know what's going on?

1. Is it possible to change hospitals? I tried calling my local one (after over an hour of trying to get someone to pick up! And that's not the first time!), they told me it's up to the other hospital I want to move to. Who told me that it's up to the hospital I'm with or my GP to move me to them. So I called my hospital again who kicked up a fuss and started getting snooty to me, before eventually telling me, yes, you can ask your GP. And now, for whatever reason, my GP is never at my local practice so I can't get an appointment to change hospitals. I want to change to the one I had my son at, which is closer to my partners mother, as she will be my babysitter for my son and also because I've been there before, they pick up their phone almost immediately (when you're in labour and your own hospital are ignoring you, it's really stressful!) So I just turned up there to have my son last time 😂

I think that's it for me 🙈 Thank you so much if you read this far. I'm just desperate for advice as my hospital/doctors clearly don't have any!

Hi!
If they can't tell, but can do all the other bits of the scan I imagine they probably won't rebook a scan just to tell.

With regards to your other questions, it's totally their call to book a mental health check, we'll sort of. I can't remember exactly how it works but if it flags up something it's almost automatically done.
My midwife had to stress the point that my mental health was way in the past but said that i could still get the appointment through the post. Thankfully I didn't.

Also, yes it should be possible for you to change hospitals.
I had a whole faff doing this, but I eventually sort of got it done by lots of harassing and calling and getting midwives to also send requests as usually for the second you're under midwife care (and therefore seeing them once for a normal pregnancy unless there was complications in your first is totally normal, at least that's what my experience was)
Theoretically any gp should be able to do the request, not necessarily a particular one.
Hope that helps! Again, all from my experiences of doing the same sort of things so not necessarily the normal practice

Sex - doesn't matter with so much else going on. You can still buy things, no reason you can't buy a bunk bed and reuse Moses basket/cotbed if it's a girl.

1. A bit odd that she referred to MH without reason or consulting you but not the end of the world to have them onside.

Very odd that she's pushing for a home birth. In my area atleast, it's difficult to persuade them to drop the idea of a hospital birth. Tell her you will absolutely not consider this option. In this case, NO is a complete sentence!

1. With my eldest I met the midwife at 10 weeks and my first official appointment was at 17w 5d for my dating scan, with my youngest I had seen them 2 or 3 times plus had 2 scans and Glucose Testing by this stage. I moved areas in between so I think it varies greatly but if you're not happy tell them. They don't sound particularly helpful!

1. I transferred when I was 30 weeks with my eldest, I think I spoke with my midwife then the hospital I was moving to and they sent everything through with my notes etc.

You can always book a private scan to find out if your baby is a boy or girl? Surely either would be able to use your old noses basket etc anyway?

Thank you all for replying.

I know the gender isn't a big thing, I'm just being really broody 😂

With my mental health, I just a bit irked because they didn't refer me with my 1st and I was dealing with my teenage sister doing drugs in the house etc. This time, it's just me and my partner living together so 🤷‍♀️ I mean the only thing I'm getting stressy about is me being hormonal/back and leg pain. I just felt, I would go straight to them if I had a concern that I was depressed? And again, it was when I was a teen (14/15yo) when I had depression 🙄. They seem to think there's still something wrong with me 🙈 I haven't been on any medication since I was a teen, so i just feel they're exaggerating it all.

I still haven't done a glucose/diabetic test yet. I'm literally 20wk 2 days. No mention of it from them, either! Which is odd because I am a whole stone bigger this time then when I had my son. I haven't put on any weight yet (since getting pregnant) but the fact is I started off overweight and still am so expected to be doing one.

I wasn't even told I would get an appointment through the post! It just turned up, I thought maybe it was my dating scan being rebooked. So I called to double check, as the letter wasn't specific about what it was about. And like I said, took an hour to get through via phone to the midwives, then another 30+ minutes being sent in circles, different phone numbers, no one at the hospital or my GP knew about it!

My GP Practice have stressed it has to be my normal GP. I thought it was weird that it had to specifically be her. Oh, at the time I tried to book as well, I thought I had cystitis so I got even more annoyed they told me to call back on Monday (think it was Thursday or Friday when I called?) And that they would do a urine test, then! Last time (I also got it around this time with my first, weirdly!) They booked me in immediately and gave me anti biotics "Just incase".

It's just strange this time round they seem so dismissive, lack of communication etc.

I think I'm going to have to give my GP a call again tomorrow, I don't know who else to call, to try and get my hospital changed. I just don't like how they don't seem to communicate with one another, or myself!

Oh and the Moses basket thing, it's not that, it's that my son is still using his cot bed as he's not quite 3 yet (I mean, it's technically a bed now, but you know what j mean). So I want to redo the bedroom for both my little ones and organise the beds etc.

If it's a girl then I want to get 2 single beds so later on they can have their own rooms VS sharing, rather then wasting money buying a bunk bed and then buying a single bed later on

You can get bunk beds that separate into two single beds if that helps.

I can't comment on the mental health side, although I was diagnosed with mild PND with DD 18 years ago but nothing flagged up with DD who was born last year, or with this pregnancy. Maybe too much time has passed.

You're midwife can't make you have a home birth, no matter how much she stresses. Be firm with her and let her know exactly what your wishes are. And if she tries to persuade you tell her NO! I personally would never choose a home birth, I feel if something goes wrong at least in hospital everything is nearby if needed.

As for midwife appointments, I saw my midwife at 12 weeks for my booking in appointment, again at 16 weeks, was meant to see her at 20 weeks but she is fully booked so will see her at 23 weeks instead. All my pregnancies (4 so far) I've saw the midwife every 4 weeks until the 3rd trimester then every 1 to 2 weeks until the birth. However, I do believe it depends where you are.

Any GP at your practice can make the referral to the hospital you want, it doesn't have to be your specific GP. I very rarely see my GP, it's usually locums etc but still have referrals done, repeat medications set up etc, tests organised etc.

Ooo good idea! I will look into that. Thank you!

😅 I think I would've preferred to see my midwife more then just once, similar to you @Bunnybaubles.

There's no way I'm having an at home birth 😂 I will kick and scream my way to the hospital if I have to - like you said, if there are complications, I'd rather be there!

It sounds like they're just purposely being difficult with letting me change hospitals, judging by everyone's replies! Which just adds to my annoyance of lack of communication 😅

Thank you xxx

Can't help re the midwife side of things but as a PP said, you can get beds that come apart. Google detachable bunk beds.

Can't you just ring up the hospital you want to be cared at and book in with them? You might have to have a repeat booking appointment but sounds like it would be quicker than going through the GP!

A lot varies by trust but at mine the gtt is at 24-27 weeks, you get a letter with an appointment for it at the hospital. Also with subsequent pregnancies you do see the midwife less, at 16 then 28 weeks, then they increase and become fortnightly after 34 weeks. So it doesn't seem unusual that you've only seen your mw once (after booking) by 20 weeks.

Also you don't have to attend the mental health appointment, ring and cancel. It's probably a new initiative to help put support in place for women struggling. You probably met the referral criteria at booking, although the midwife should have told you she was referring you so you had the chance to decline then.

Just get a private scan? They aren't very expensive and you get more pictures as well. 😜

We are finding out our babies' genders at 14 weeks and having a 3D scan around 23 weeks. Both at private scans.

Is this not normal in the UK? 🤔

*private clinics

Re meeting your midwife only once - I met my named midwife for the first time today - at my 34 week appointment! She booked me for my 36 week appointment...for which she’s on annual leave 🤦‍♀️ It’s literally been a different midwife each time. Also have seen a different GP both times for those apts too. Not ideal.

I’d stop worrying about sex - pay for a gender scan privately if it’s so important to you to know (I get it - I would have in your situation as I. HAD to know!). The main purpose of the 20 week scan is to find medical anomalies/problems...you have another scan coming up to check that your baby is all healthy...if I was you I’d be more focussed on that.