My partner wants the baby but not me

[Millymomo01]

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I love him very much. He already has a son from his previous marriage of 7 years. His ex warned me never to have a baby from him. Im always crying, always miserable, having trouble sleeping. I'm already an emotional person, so that doesn't help. I'm strong minded, but weak at the heart when it comes to love. I can't remember the last time he made me laugh or made me feel special. He has lived in my home for over a year now and has never offered to pay anything towards anything, because he says it's not his. He got rid of his car a few months ago and shares my car, and sometimes puts fuel in it and thats it. Whenever i try to talk to him about how i feel, he makes me feel like i'm the one who is always at fault. Im 12 weeks pregnant, and he came with me to the scan and held my hand and kissed me, thats the first time in a very long time he has held me like that. I know he has always wanted another baby and will be a good father. But how can i carry on being with someone who doesn't love me, just wants the baby. He keeps saying he "wants to leave me but i wont let him".... i always say go go go....and then turns into another argument. I'm so confused, don't know what to do. I don't have any family or support. Can i be a single mum with no support? Or worst option.... why bring a baby into this world, into a relationship like this. Im so lonely and lost. I'm dying for a cigarette, but trying to be good. Times like these, i just want to loose myself.

He is 12 years older than me, i always do anything he asks me to. But when it comes to me wanting something thats important to me, he ignores or doesn't want to listen. I know I'm not perfect and can be a nightmare sometimes. He has always been a difficult person to compromise with and talk to. He never admits he is wrong, or says sorry. I'm so scared to be on my own again, especially being pregnant now.

@Millymomo01 this is my first ever LTB. Well, don't leave him, kick the cocklodger out. He sounds like he is contributing nothing to your life in the way of support or love. Take the control back from him.

I totally get that it is hard being a single parent. I really do. But you do not want your child to grow up looking at him and thinking his behaviour is acceptable.

Pregnancy is hard enough, without what sounds like an abusive relationship to me. I say this because you've said that whenever you argue, he always makes it out to be your fault and he never says sorry.

He's living in your home now without contributing anything financially. Will this be changing once you've given birth?

Kick him out and make a lovely home for your child. You'll both be far better off.

Best of luck, OP.

Thank you for your support, your right. You are completely right. I know deep down thats what i have to do. Every time i mention the support when i go on maternity, he just ignores me and doesn't want to discuss it, or turns into an argument, saying i did this on purpose to him, so he wouldn't leave me. Before i told him i was pregnant, he said he wanted to leave me but i wouldn't let him go? Which sounds so stupid. If someone wants to leave, they go don't they? Honestly, I've been on the pill 5 years and never got caught, but he always calls me a liar and never trusts what i say.

I have been in 3 relationships, im now 28 and hate being alone. I think its because i have no real close friends or family. Maybe? I dont know. It's so hard to let go... but its the right thing to do. Im just desperate? Stupid? I can't remember the last time he said something nice to me, and when i ask him what have i done so wrong to you.... he comes up with silly little things i have done in the past and never lets it go and moves forward. I think the worst i have ever done to him, is cried in front of his family because he was making me feel worthless. I was so embarrassed, his family don't speak much English, i wish they could have understood what he was doing to me. I really wish he would wake up and realise what he is doing, so we could move forward and be happy. But i know thats impossible.
Thanks xx

Be kind to yourself, OP. It sounds like an awful situation.

Right now: take all of his things and put them outside. Then call a locksmith to change the locks. You may also want to change your number.

Relationships can have rocky patches, sure. But only two years?? And you can't remember the last time he was considerate?!?! This is not a long term sustainable relationship.

He is a manipulative parasite!!

You will be fine, repeat frequently to yourself. I went from leaving my exh to moving overseas alone and I was terrified. It was the best thing for me I've ever done.
It's okay to be alone. You will be less lonely alone than with someone who treats you this way.
I never say l ace someone but you need to focus on yourself and your baby, if you wnat to keep the baby. You will be fine - it will be hard but not half as ahrd as staying in the situation you are in with a newborn.

OP, you need to be free of this awful man; he is manipulating you, he has already made you feel worthless; is this the way you want to feel for the rest of your life?

Please get rid, as pp suggested, change the locks, pack up his belongings and don't engage with him, He will try to manipulate you again.

Whenever i try to talk to him about how i feel, he makes me feel like i'm the one who is always at fault.

This is not good, OP. It’s not going to get better once the baby is here and probably it’ll be worse with the stress of looking after a newborn. Sounds like you would have a more stable, happier life on your own.

You don’t say specifically in your post if you are considering termination but if you are already struggling mentally, are not in a supportive relationship and don’t feel you would cope with a baby then it might be something to think about. You are the one who has to go through the pregnancy and it’s your decision to make - noone else’s.

All your replied mean a lot to me. I just wish i was strong enough to get the courage to kick him out. The thing is, if i keep this baby, is it wrong of me to not allow him to have any part of this baby life? He isn't a bad father to his son, just to me. Is it fair? I just know if i carry on with this pregnancy, he will always be around no matter where i go, as he isn't the type to abandon a woman when their pregnant. He isn't completely bad person, just to me. Xx

I think you already know what you need to do... Honestly, it seems like he is taking advantage of you, and your post makes it clear that you already know this and you already know you need to leave him, ask him to move out, and move on with your life. He can (and should be) involved in the baby's life, but he shouldn't be taking advantage of you like that.

I know from experience that it's easier said than done to leave someone, and it's difficult to be alone especially with no one else close to you. It's hard to listen to others' advice when you're the one in the relationship, I know. But from what you're saying, you know what the right thing to do is. You just need to be strong and do it.

Once you end this, you will be able to see things even clearer than now. You'll know it was the right choice, and you'll find you do have other people in your life. Don't be with someone like that just because you don't want to be alone. It breaks my heart to see people in this situation, because I know what it's like.

I really hope you do the right thing, and wish you all the best with your pregnancy.

He is a bad person. You deserve so much better.

You say he isn't a completely bad person, just to you. Some people aren't able to respect the person they're in a relationship with. That's nothing to do with you, as you've already had confirmed by his ex.
Honestly you should kick him out, he's dragging you down and it's the last thing you need. I'm sorry to ask this, but are you sure about having his baby?

OP, you said his ex warned you to never have a baby with him. Why is that?

By all means, if you want to keep the baby and for them to have a relationship with their father, then do so, but do it through proper channels ie proper visitation arrangements through family court, and make sure he is paying proper maintenance. He's had quite enough from you without not paying towards a child too.

You've said he's not a bad person, but he is! He might treat his other child well, but that is the bare minimum of acceptable behaviour here.

I really hope things work out for you, OP.

If he

Sorry- rogue "if he" in last post!

Op, you sound desperate to be loved and I'm sorry your partner isn't being as supportive as you'd like.
Unfortunately, no matter how much you love your partner or do things for him or play the perfect wifey role, he isn't suddenly going to change and become your perfect loving caring partner.
It doesn't work like that.
You can't change someone's inherent personality type.
You need to really look at him without your rose tinted specs on and see him for how he is currently and the way he acts around you and his child and decide if you are willing to settle for that level of selfishness for the next twenty/thirty years or so?

Personally, I wouldn't stay with him in your shoes because I know there are far nicer men out there but you have to be willing to live on your own for a bit and build up your self esteem.

In terms of whether it's unfair to keep father away and out of baby's life... it's up to you in the end, but you do say he's not a bad father, and you don't want to deny your child the right to having a father. There is a difference between him being in your child's life and being in your life. Just because you allow him to have a relationship with the child, doesn't mean he will be around all the time. There are limits, and you can set the rules. He doesn't have to be involved in the pregnancy either, only allow him to see the child when he is born.