I need some advice - estranged friend

[gm405]

I was in a abusive, emotionally and physically, relationship since August last year. Things escalated pretty quickly, he started the abuse within a month into the relationship. Unfortunately because i was in such a bad place when i got with him he saw how vulnerable i was and was able to take advantage.

He was successful in cutting out a lot of people from my life, including. my best friend. Because I kept going back to him fight after fight, even when I told her how he had physically abused me I believe that she got frustrated with me and couldn't cope with it. I was to blame really, I just knew what I had to do but I was being controlled so much it was so hard to know what to do. I lost contact with her which absolutely killed me.

Anyway, I found out I was pregnant late last year, I was still with my abusive boyfriend at the time. It took a lot but the icing on the cake was when he had his hands round my throat when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I decided that enough was enough and I left him. It has been really hard, I've been so lonely and depressed and I definitely did not want to be a single mum. But anything is better than what he put me through.

Anyway I did reach out to my friend via text about 3 weeks ago, just after I left him, but she did not respond to my text. I don't really blame her because i haven't been the best friend but on the other hand it is really cutting because of what i have been through, i was controlled and abused.

I came off Facebook last year because my ex was so controlling and constantly questioning me about who i had on there, it was just easier. I am now 16 and half weeks pregnant and I decided that I was going to go back on Facebook and put up my scan photo as a lot of people don't know I am pregnant.

First thing I see when I log onto Facebook is that my estranged friend has put up a scan photo announcing her pregnancy, she is even due the same month as me.

Now I don't really feel I can put it up on Facebook, i feel really torn. I don't want it to seem like I am only doing that because she did it. I was considering perhaps deleting her off Facebook along with her family members that I have on there. I really don't know what to do. I know it seems like a really stupid problem but I could really do with some advice.

I do miss her as a friend but her silence has really spoken volumes. I do get that I hurt her but I went through months of abuse, I just feel that the blame is totally put on me but in fact I am the victim to the abuse I suffered.

Any advice would be great. Please be gentle, I am very emotional at the moment! Pregnancy hormones along with feeling lonely and depressed are not a good combination.

Could you call her ? Texting isn't very satisfactory when you've been estranged and you want to reconnect. Her lack of response could mean anything - she might not still have that phone number, she could be sick, anything . I'd take the plunge and give her a call , or go to her place if you know where she lives. It sounds like you really need a friend, and if you explain in person about what happened, she might just understand.

I have been the friend in this story. It's really hard to watch your friend going through something like this - you feel so helpless. I found it emotionally really difficult. Not to condone her actions - but it is hard. She may still be trying to decide how she feels about things. Maybe she's scared you will still go back to him, and is protecting her own emotional and psychological state - especially if she's pregnant.

Reach out to her again, if you feel strong enough. Share your pregnancy news. It might be enough to break down the barriers.

How long has it been since you spoke? She may have changed her number. She may also be wary thinking your still with him or likely to get back with him and she will be dropped again. She may also be wary thinking you are after a lot f support she might not be in a position to give. I second others when they say try calling her but also contact a domestic violence organisation if you haven’t already as they will be able to support you

Why don’t you just congratulate her under the pic of her scan and tell her you’re due the same month and hope you can meet up?

Like OP said her number may have changed since you last were in contact etc. Worth trying to message her in FB and arranging a meet or just breaking the ice. Good luck.

I think you need to send a little more than a text explaining things a little more. Communication is key. If she then still rejects your friendship there is little you can do but move on.

If you want to post a scan pic then do.

What did you say in your text? Was it "hi, how are you?" or did you properly explain to her what you were going through, how much your regret cutting her off and how much you miss her?

If you can't call her, or she doesn't pick up, a letter might be a good idea so you can congratulate her on her pregnancy and really open yourself up about what abuse you went through and how sorry you are that you lost her friendship.

Also, I personally wouldn't post the scan pic. I'm sure you've personally told anyone close enough who needs to know. Everyone else will find out soon enough. I just think it could aggravate the situation.

I've also been the friend in this situation although she's still with the man (13yrs on) who I had to watch treat her like dirt and isolate her from her friends. I hope that he grew up and treats her well now but I doubt it. She's on my fb but stopped speaking to me for no reason years ago, prior to that she'd call me when at work so he didn't know and then after a while that stopped and despite that of she ever did contact me I'd be her friend. I reached out to her a few years ago when I was getting married and invited her and her partner to the evening and she didn't reply and it hurt but I realised I need to move on too. It's unlikely she changed her number but possible, I'd fb her and say you text but not sure if she got it, you understand she's been hurt but you've been through a lot and have broken away from him now but you too are pregnant and due in.... . You would like to be friends but if she doesn't want to you understand. Then following that message you could put your scan up. I don't think she'd think you were copying, you can't make yourself 16 Weeks pregnant just for her and I'm sure she'd not be so self obsessed to think you're copying, she's not the first to post her scan on fb or have a baby. X

You may need to reach out a few times, tell her how you feel, that you miss her and congratulate her on her news. Good luck 💚