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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Father with Cancer and wanting to conceive...

12 replies

annabruder · 15/02/2019 20:35

Hello,
I am about to turn 37 this April and my partner and I recently decided we wanted to start trying for a baby. We have been chatting about it for a year or so, and finally decided we should go for it! However, my father, a couple of weeks ago, was diagnosed with terminal oesophagus cancer and we have been told he may only have until the end of the year. I'm not sure whether myself and partner should still start trying for a baby? I'm aware I am getting older and there are possible more complications with conceiving and having a baby as you get older. However, I am fully aware of the stress, worry and all of the emotions which goes with a loved one dying. Should we wait or should we try to conceive? Has anyone got any advice for me please? Thank you

OP posts:
scottiesheep · 15/02/2019 20:38

Sorry to hear about your father Thanks I would personally carry on as you were as you can't plan these things to the T anyway. Just keep an open mind and it'll all happen when the time is right anyway

Hiphopopotamous · 15/02/2019 20:45

Someone close to me died not long after DC1 was born. It really lifted everyone up at such a difficult time to have a new baby in the family, he brings so much joy to everyone and I'm sure helped people with their grief to see new life growing.

Plus, you don't know if there will be difficulty conceiving and you would really kick yourself if you waited too long.
Go for it

seeingdots · 15/02/2019 21:43

Sorry to hear about your dad. In your shoes I would continue TTC. I lost my own dad when I was 7 months pregnant and strangely I think being pregnant helped me to cope with it. I knew I had to look after myself for the baby and make sure I was taking care of my mental health and stress levels through the process of bereavement. It also gave me and my mum a point of hope to look forward to and something positive to focus on once she arrived. It was heartbreaking for me and my dad when it became clear he wasn't going to live long enough to meet my DD but I was able to share her name with him and when he passed he went with the knowledge I was on my way to having the family I'd always wanted.

Life is too short to put important things on the backburner. Good luck to you in the coming months Thanks

ChaosMoon · 16/02/2019 07:17

I'm so sorry about your DF. To echo what pp have said, I'd start TTC and I'd do it for all the same reasons. You don't know how long it will take and if it does happen sooner rather than later, a baby is a wonderful source of positivity that can help people move forward in these situations. And your DF would probably be delighted if he knew you were expecting, although I'd caution you not to put too much weight on that. TTC is a rollercoaster at the best of times, so just go easy on yourself. Good luck.

Original poster
annabruder · 16/02/2019 21:06

Thank you for all everyone's advice. It's really helpful to hear people's thoughts. Thank you Thank you

OP posts:
DustyDoorframes · 16/02/2019 21:14

I was in your position, and we carried on TTC for a while then stopped, and started again a few months after my relatives had died. The sadness of no baby every month got too much with the other sadnesses, and I also had horrible feelings of regret that my dad would miss out on seeing my baby, so every period was just too grim. Had I caught quickly I think it would have helped a lot though, as PP said. Prepare for some complicated feelings either way...ThanksThanks

Original poster
annabruder · 17/02/2019 19:46

Thank you for your sharing this with me and your honesty.

OP posts:
xJune88 · 17/02/2019 19:54

I lost a baby last January, lost my dad in May and then a second baby in June. I'm now 28 weeks pregnant I do believe the second loss was effected by stress very much but was so eager to try again, my dad was very happy and supportive that we were trying and knew about the first 2 babies. My due date is 2 days after my dad passed away and we are all looking forward to a positive. Thoughts are with you it really is shit xx

Original poster
annabruder · 18/02/2019 18:40

Thank you for your message. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and difficulties. Thank you for sharing. And good luck with your baby. All the best x

OP posts:
KatnissMellark · 18/02/2019 18:55

Sorry to hear about your DF @annabruder.

I hope it's not too crass to say, but at almost 37, time is not on your side. I wouldn't delay TTC. I hope everything works out for you Flowers

PBobs · 18/02/2019 21:56

I'm 38. My husband and I weren't really thinking we wanted children. Then suddenly, boom. The broody train hit me and I was fortunate to get pregnant very soon.

5 weeks into my pregnancy my parents phoned (I live overseas) to tell me my dad has incurable cancer. I don't want to say what kind as he's one of only a tiny % with this type so it's outing. Let's just say it could Be 6 months or 10 years and we have no idea. But it's incurable and terminal. He's fit and healthy and not too old and I was and am devastated. I'm an only child and we don't really have much extended family. We're a little crew of 3 and 4 with my husband as they love him more than words can say.

I still hadn't told them by this stage. Due to my age we had decided we would wait for our NIPT results before telling anyone. I waited until the all clear and told them via Skype at about 14 weeks. They were over the moon. My mum says it's given my dad life. It's given them something good to focus on and talk about. When the chemo is rough I send him a baby update message and he always appreciates them. I also think he feels happy to know that I'm sorted and settled and he can picture my life in the future even if he won't be there. He seems less worried about me and my choices than ever before. I've always been a bit of an impulsive nutter - got it from him.

So that was my long way of saying that being pregnant whilst my dad and family are struggling with tragedy has been so positive for us. I am so pleased I was able to give him some joy and something positive to look forward to because fuck knows the rest of it is going to be shit. I just hope baby is safe and healthy because I feel it's keeping a lot of people going right now.

I'm so sorry for your difficult time. I wish you all the love and best luck in the world.

PBobs · 19/02/2019 00:05

I should also add that I am of course over the moon to be pregnant and it has given me and my husband a light in the dark moment.

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