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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Am I having DC1 or DC2?

22 replies

Fuppy · 09/02/2019 21:39

DS died in NICU, now pregnant again. The question is, am I expecting DC1 or DC2?

I find it difficult to answer people who ask if this is my first...and it seems like some type of compulsory question people need to ask. Strangers, midwives etc.

I consider this DC2, but having no children at home it sounds a little odd. On one hand I don’t like to discuss what happened face to face with people I don’t know because people behave awkwardly after, so I could say DC1, but I don’t want to behave as though my DS was never here. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Farmerswifey12 · 09/02/2019 21:41

Sorry for your loss OP.

I would definately say you are having DC2

PaintingOwls · 09/02/2019 21:43

I would be blunt personally, very matter of fact. This is definitely your second child.

MaryBoBary · 09/02/2019 21:46

Sorry to hear this OP. I find it difficult enough explaining I have had 4 pregnancies but only 1DC born, I can see how awkward this is for you. I would say this is DC2 and my go into any further details. And if anyone is nosy enough to continue to ask questions, tell them the truth and perhaps they will reconsider asking pregnant woman so many personal questions next time. From the bottom of my heart I hope everything goes well for you xxx

Bubblewrapandwine · 09/02/2019 21:49

Congratulations and I’m sorry for your loss, I think baby will always be DC2 but it might be easier for you to pick and choose what feels comfortable at the time, when you have a baby everyone wants chat, you might choose to say DC1 at shops, baby clubs etc but when having a proper conversation you might want to tell them

LittleBirdBlues · 09/02/2019 21:50

A good friend of mine was in the same situation. I met her after she had lost her son and was celebrating her daughters third birthday. She told me at the birthday party that her son had died when he was six days old. It was awkward, I didn't know what to say at first other than how painful it must have been for her. But my awkwardness is my problem and not a reason for her to pretend like her son had never lived. He is very much still a part of her life, and of her family until today. We speak about him very openly now. There is a birthday party for him every year, which is a joyful event with lots of family and friends. I think it is very healing for her to know that people acknowledge him and he isn't a secret. I think she is so strong and brave for dealing with it the way she is.

That said, it is a very personal decision that has to feel right for you. Take your time to decide what will be best for you and your family in the long run.

firsttimebabybirther · 09/02/2019 21:50

This is your second child , so sorry for your loss

spacefrog35 · 09/02/2019 21:51

I have been in your position and I found it incredibly challenging. Mostly I gave the easy answer (DC1) as I needed to protect myself from intrusive questions from strangers. Sometimes I would give the real answer but not often. I had a sticker put on my medical notes by one of the midwives so I didn’t have to keep explaining myself to them. It might be worth asking if your hospital as anything similar. My hospital and midwives were incredibly supportive. I hope yours are too.

I hope you have a gentle and peaceful pregnancy

LittleBirdBlues · 09/02/2019 21:51

Just to add, with medical professionals they should see from your maternity notes that this isn't your first child. Could you have a note put into your notes explaining what happened to avoid being asked the question repeatedly at every appointment? I can imagine that must be so very difficult.

Much love to you and congratulations on your pregnancy.

tbd2 · 09/02/2019 21:53

DC2 - the first may not be here but is always in your heart

E20mom · 09/02/2019 21:54

I would definitely say it's DC2.

SD1978 · 09/02/2019 21:55

It's DC 2- but it's up to you what level of information you want to give people. Close friends and family know it's DC 2. Randoms, up to you if you want to explain the circumstances with your first child.

Jamhandprints · 09/02/2019 22:01

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
I think it depends on the question. If they say "is this your first?" Then no. But if they say "do you just have the one?" Then you could answer either way, depending on what feels right in the situation. You don't have to feel guilty about telling people or not telling people. Your first baby will always be in your heart and that's the most important thing.

Original poster

Fuppy · 09/02/2019 22:03

Thank you for your thoughts and kind words.
MaryBoBary I’m sorry for your losses it’s not easy at any stage to lose your baby and the future you’d planned. I hope all is going well now?

My current pregnancy is very healthy so far (touch wood) and I’m back under the care of FMU only as a precaution this time, the extra scans will be appreciated too

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 09/02/2019 22:04

Another have said this is your second child. But what you day to other people is entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with.

sometimessometimes · 09/02/2019 22:05

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby OP

My baby was born prematurely (22w) and didn't survive (obviously). When I was pregnant again I'd answer strangers with "yes this is my first" but friends and acquaintances I'd say "technically my second as we lost our son last year" but I never go in to detail as it's too painful to talk about.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 09/02/2019 22:07

I’m sorry to hear about your DS.

One of my children died in NICU but I still include her in the total number that I have. I find the second question tends to be “how old are your children” and I’ve become good at saying their ages followed by “and another one who died.” I feel more uncomfortable and awkward not including her, and I figure that I’m the one who has experienced my baby dying so I’m the one whose feelings get priority over saying what I want to say in response to other people’s questions.

OlennasWimple · 09/02/2019 22:13

Strictly speaking, I've been pregnant three times, given birth once and have two children five years apart*

But I dont' say that to people because it's confusing, I sound like some kind of riddler and - most importantly - it's a lot of personal information about me and my DC that most people don't need to know.

In your circumstances, you get to decide what you want to say at that time and to that person. You are not to feel guilty about a little white lie or a lie by omission, if that is what you need to do to protect yourself. Likewise, if you are open about your situation and it makes someone else feel awkward, that is for them to deal with and not you.

Practice some answers so that you are comfortable with them.

And congratulations on your pregnancy

*I have one bio child, one adopted child and had two miscarriages, in case you were wondering

HalfBloodPrincess · 09/02/2019 22:15

Sorry for your loss. And congratulations on your pregnancy.
I think I’d go with dc2.

Original poster

Fuppy · 09/02/2019 22:15

spacefrog35 sorry you had to go through it too, it’s an exclusive club no one wants to be a member of. It is on my notes, they asked me to write all information regarding previous pregnancies & outcomes before my first midwife appointment, but they still ask. I didn’t know the sticker thing was an option though that sounds perfect, I have 16 week midwife appointment next week so hopefully she can work some magic on my maternity notes.

OP posts:

BrizzleMint · 09/02/2019 22:17

Absolutely DC2 in my view but whatever you feel the most at ease with. I'd be inclined, with strangers, to say something non-committal purely so you don't get asked questions that might be upsetting.
OTOH, if you can cope with questions about your DC1, then that might be unnecessary.

so sorry for your loss and congratulations on your DC2.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 09/02/2019 22:32

I have the SANDS sticker on my notes but still get asked 🤷🏻‍♀️. This is definitely DC2 for you though, OP.

Original poster

Fuppy · 09/02/2019 23:41

@PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin Wow re. SANDS sticker and still asking. Sorry for your loss

After reading all of your responses I'm feeling better equipped to deal with the questions now. I think I'll always answer that this one is DC2. I was worried that the first question would be well where is he atm? But in reality it's likely to be age related, I can say he would have been (x) years old. And hopefully that'll stop the questions, if it doesn't then I can tell them it's a story for another time if I don't want to talk about it in that moment.

Thank you everyone, you've helped me overcome an anxiety/stressor that's been bothering me a lot recently, I appreciate your time and support xx

OP posts:

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