I am a mess

[OMGidkWTFtodo]

I am probably one of the most traumatised and dysfunctional self-sabotaging victim-mentalised learned-helpless and negatively-affected-by-life people I could imagine. I never had kids because I didn't want any. I've had 2 terminations. I have nothing to offer a kid, I wouldn't know what to do with one, they don't usually like me much. I got ill with my mental health and ended up losing my job. My partner and I have had nothing but misfortune together (and apart) we both have lifetime health problems. He lost his job a month or two back. We live in a house I could not bring up a child in, the area we live in is rough, the house is damp and in disrepair. last year I ceased to feel like a woman, I already have chronic alopecia, then got skin sores and lesions on my face, got a cyst in my groin and scalded a breast with hot boiled water leaving a nasty scar. We had no sex all year. We fell out so often I was ready to leave. The things that happened in our lives took me down one thing after another, and I had lost myself, my purpose and my identity. So why oh why, at age 40, him 50 did we conceive a pregnancy on christmas day? I am lost. I decided to terminate and was told it should be done relatively quickly, only to find on calling for an appointment I would have to wait 3 weeks. Now my emotions are all over the place and I keep seeing 'signs' and 'coincidences' telling me to keep this 'baby' and I find myself wanting it, then freaking out cos that means I SERIOUSLY don't know myself, at all. Plus I have no clue, no resources and I can't move for all-encompassing tiredness, pain in my breasts, (I believe I have vasospasm? WOWZER) and being sick. Please, someone, help me cos we are distraught and in a real crisis, I don't know if we can do this.

Your first few sentences are quite concerning. Have you spoken to a mental health team?

@OMGidkWTFtodo
Lovely, you need to reach out, you’re in a hell of a pickle.
If you’re just looking to talk it over the Samaritins are a great resource. It’s a start? There you can unleash all the good and bad points that you can think of.
Perhaps they will be able to signpost you onto someone else? Sadly the only person who can make this decision is you, but at least you can talk it through until you feel more confident in your choice.
The three week wait is awful, I really feel for you.
Be kind to yourself

yeah, I have some support there but in many ways, it made things worse the services in psychiatry did not serve my needs at all. Had they done so I would not have lost my job and the whole thing was another huge trauma for me, however, I still remain in the care of a psychologist within the team who deal with my physical health problem. I know they will help however they can, they confirmed my pregnancy and are waiting to see what I decide too....

Thank you for your kind words. Samaritans are fantastic but I have called them before and I know they will listen and not be able to advise as such, its kinda hard, you know they are listening but they can't give an opinion, I guess nobody will, you are right nobody can make the decision but us. I just don't even know where to start with the practicality of it all and I don't feel like I have much strength. I know I thought my life was a write-off and purposeless, I don't want to bring a life just to give myself that. I don't want to give a child a job. I don't want to make another person turn out like me. I don't have the money to live in a place of nature, to buy the organic foods and natural products that cost the earth, I can't afford it for me never mind a family. We eat cheap and that often means either bland or frankly, laced with god knows what crap, I think kids should have a certain standard of careful thought and attention I don't know if I can do that, I am pretty much a failure looking after myself let alone anyone else. But the signs, they keep coming and its like I'm being directed. No logic in the world FOR this. none. Yet is this 'instinct' just hormones and despair at my own sad life, regret? yeah, some of it. I know I can't live through a kid. it's inexplicable that I'm even considering it. But if I do wrong here I can't go back. I'm 40 years old. I've never felt so naive.

Depends on how you look at it....children do need vegetables and a varied diet (so do you). But they don’t need organic. I’m not the person to ask about raising children cheaply, I’m shit with money. It’s possible though.
Small children don’t even need a garden, access to a park is far more useful, and then prepare for the hours you will spend walking to and from the park. Best ones are in cities!
You don’t need to buy books, libraries are still around (just!).
However, you would not be the first person to say ‘I cannot give this ball of cells the life it needs to be happy’. Money must play a big part in that.

Also emotionally, as you say, you will have to be the parent all the time.

There is no shame in admitting that a child is not for you.

FWIW I think the signs are your subconscious, not actually signs. 40 is not that old to get pregnant.

But you do have to stand by your decision and not look back.

It’s not your partners decision, but have you talked to him?
Is he looking for another job?